I do realise that im getting old that i know less of myself. People talk and neighbors wont settle for less, they keep on asking how i am so that they can update the other citizens around my community. The problem is that i am so different from other kids especially boys. No football, i wash dishes a lot then cook, i dont do dating as i was raised in a god fearing family which believes that dating is a sin so people assume that i am gay. Well, im not. Others say that i must not mind any of them assuming less of me and i tell them "there are many things i worry about but minding and worrying about what someone says about me isn't one of them at all". So i was Seven years when my real mom left me, she didn't have much of a choice did she? She was raped then killed. The murderer hasn't been caught till today meaning there's no justice at all here in this world. "Those who kill by knife will surely die of a knife". On my mother's burial i did not cry, not that i did not want to but the fact that i was so young to understand who dies or who reigns. Then that was the last day seeing my father again, when he went he promised to visit more often, told me he loved me. Coming to think of it he never visited since then. Everyday when i wake up i bow then pray, thanking god for giving me another day and wish that he does the same for my father who left me long ago, technology made it easier for everyone, even so there's no contact or any form of communication. I just wish i could just see him entering the same door when he left me, telling me empty promises. I bet he knows nothing of what i eat, i wear even my age but even so the fact remains he is still my father, if only he is though. Since then i never came to a point to understand myself either, im always isolating myself. Anytime i try mixing myself with others i always get bored nor get hurt i do not know why. Seeing kids same as my age or even twice as my age calling out their fathers who are able to respond breaks my heart each and everytime, i just get jealous more often. My pillows are even salty and damp because i cry myself out to sleep every night praying that my dad can think of me and come looking for me. Maybe he has some reasons of not showing up but i also have many things to tell him and i have the right to know anything. "I am less of how i should be i just try to be brave and not show anybody of how i am". I then promise a I'll wait till he comes back from wherever he is. I know less of who i am, i want his fatherly love, his comfort, his voice, his teachings, his presence and his motivations. They say "The parent's love and teachings are a lot different from anybody's love out there",so who am i to agree to disagree when i even know less of who am i, when i live for the sake of leaving only footprints in this world. I will wait till my feet get sore, when my feet get tired of standing, when my feet break into pieces then I will walk away and wait no longer. "Wait for what you love then walk away when it doesn't love you back".
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