It's at times like these that I ask myself; is he really worth it? How can someone that I have been with for more than a decade not understand why I am not a fan of spending time at his ancestral home?!? Why does he still suggest that I should go and spend time with people who he is very well aware will never accept me?!? Does he not notice how drained I am after the visits to that home?!?! Does he just not care about my mental wellbeing? It's at times like these that I ask myself, why in God's name have I put up with these crazy lot for all these years?!?!?

As I continue weeding my small patch of vegetables I cry out to God and ask him to help me make the right decision; because for the life of me I am sick and tired of pulling ropes with those people. It will never matter how good I am to them, they will always find a way to see me as the villain. I have really tried to be good and do good, but I cannot keep messing with my mental health in the name of trying to belong to a family that does not want me. My strategy of staying as far away from them as possible has worked for me for more than a month now. I do not understand why this guy is trying to make me go back there again.

I'm really not in the mood of going through the sea of emotions that they bring out of me, not even for him. Not anymore!!! I am already digging angrily and I try to control myself because it isn't the vegetables' fault that those people bring out these emotions from me. I try to control myself and resolve that no matter how much he begs and pleads, I will not go there. I will stay in my safe space, with my internal and external peace, far away from negativity. I do not care what he says, or how he will react. I'm the one that has to live with myself every single minute of every single day and not him. So I will look out for myself.
If I cannot love myself, who will?