I have been denying myself for months of not being ok. I indulged in various activities and programmes a year back to tackle this. I got indulged so much that my body started crying for rest and sleep, but again I denied it as I wanted nothing to take place in my brain. I was so into these things that I smiled, laughed and made puns a lot with some gangs. But I never felt any joy or happiness even though if it's my birthday or my favourite food, place, people etc. I started looking like a wreck and a piece of shit. I didn't want to talk about it because I was surrounded by the normal people who can't understand my condition or would joke about it. After some months, when my body got too much tortured, I was hospitalised . Those days were both painful and horrifying. Doctor diagnosed it as a colon infection. But I know the actual infection was inside my head which led to this. I started taking care of myself both mentally and physically. So I exited from everything where I felt any danger to my peace of mind and ended up in isolation but in peace. Still I was not well. I always felt restless, my legs never stopped from shaking and I know I need something to block my head as I have already exited from everything else. But all I got in return was rising rage inside me and frequent panic attacks. I was too afraid to tell anything to anyone because I am carrying so much shame, guilt, childhood traumas, trust issues, arrogancy, fear and a high anger level. I tried everything that I got into working out and exercising so much that my body has shown an immense development but there was none mentally. At last it got too out of control that I had to go to a psychiatrist. I was afraid, nervous and numb. He questioned me a lot and those questions kinda gave me a panic attack. I started crying as I little by little opened myself. Tried to control it but the tears were out of control. He diagnosed me with hyper anxiety and panic disorder and instructed me to start the therapy sessions immediately after 10 days with regular consumption of sleeping pills and an anti- depressant or panic prevention tablets.

People make fun or take us for granted because we are not normal. It's tough to be here. I feel breathless. Suddenly I am numb and at other moment I am angry. It's easy for the normal people to say that we are over doing it. No we are not and we don't like it either. It's really exhausting. We don't want to cry, but even though if there's no reason for crying there will be a sudden flow of those uneven emotions. It's hard when you can't feel your legs at night and want them to chop up from your body. It's horrifying when your hands start shaking. Death seems to be easy when your half body gets paralysed and you can't feel your body at nights. But all you can do is just tightly grab the pillow under your teeth as hard as possible, so noone can hear you screaming and sobbing. And then after 2 and 3 hours of that sudden attack you get to sleep so deeply that you doesn't feel like ever waking up until there's an important work or a pushing force the next day afternoon or evening.

And still you would find it easy to tackle and us overreacting on it because you are normal and we are not.