Just like that its back! I can feel it rushing throughout my whole body, as it exists I can feel my hands go numb and I am incased in a dull but harsh pain. I've been here so many times I can actually feel my heart as it cracks, the cracks becoming bigger and then piece by piece it breaks apart again.

I've been told time and time again that my intuition is strong and that I need to learn to trust it and follow it! Of course me being me I never do, at least when it comes to matters of the heart, and always I end up hating myself more than I already do.

How do you follow your intuition when you know it will drive the one thing you desire most in this world away? I guess that's way "they" call it a vicious cycle. One I don't want to be trapped in. I hope I'm wrong, I hope I'm just reading too much into an insignificant thing. If I'm right however, I will once again feel so stupid. I don't want this to be one of those too good to be true deals.

I have fallen so hard, harder than I ever have and have been under the impression that it's all being reciprocated. On the other hand I have been asked what I would do if one day I wake up and its all just a cruel dream? I truly don't know what I would do.

I have no home, no family, no friends, no where to go, no where to turn, if this is truly all a dream, in all honesty no one would miss me, no one needs me, no one wants me, (if this is a dream) so I would kill myself.

As she finishes writing these words in her journal, she realized that she doesn't have what it takes to kill herself . She picks up the exackto blade, looks at it, begins to say dream of the cold steel slicing down her arm and imagines the warm blood dripping down to her fingertips then onto the floor.

One more thing to hate herself for. She day dreams but she'll never have the fucking guts to do it. so she placed the blade in her journal, puts her mask on and forces herself out the door.


To be continued...
© JasmineShockeyey