When she was in her dying stages, I couldn't but notice how important she is.
When she came back, I couldn't but notice how much I missed her.
I thought when she would be back all that fears of loosing her, loosing my best friend, would disappear and I could talk like I used to.
But it's like I am back where I used to be.
Not being able to say what is going on.
To the questions how are you? I'm answering I'm alright.
And I say it again and again... The same lie.
Then I try to say the truth but in the last moment I stop...

There is this unreasonable fear of she hating me, replacing me, being annoyed of me.
My mind is telling me lies...
And while I try to help, I feel like I'm failing.
I try to stand strong, but it's a facade.
And I'm building up that old wall again,
And I feel the mask is consuming me...

Now I cant say what I feel, and yet I feel more then I ever did...
The panic attacks, the self hate, the cuts, the anxiety...
The Trauma, amnesia...
The signs of an eating disorders slowly developing,
and then that upcoming wish of death that is plaguing me for months now....
I pour my heart out here because I can't say it...
But for everyone who asks I'm fine, I'm alright don't you worry I'll handle that no problem....
Wishing I could believe my own lie...
© the cold boy