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Stop throwing away.
There is a time to grow up and learn what is important in life. For yourself, for the world around you and for those you love. I had a falling out at twentyseven. I went to jail for a brief stay and had probation for a couple of years. This time was short but I had made a choice to change before the time began. I had the time over my head from learning a split second too late.
I am an addict named Brian. I hate the connection between my name and what I have struggled with. There is no way being an addict should ever come before my name. I am Brian, a person who struggles with addiction. . .
Nope. I hate it. I am Brian Reese, a person who has gotten sick as hell of being called an addict. I am 48 years old and I have never been arrested again. I have however had a group following of local law enforcement since I was thrown out of my home and had my ex-girlfriend take my 12 year old puggle, Sam away from me. I have had a chip on my shoulder with the entire world and everyone in it. I have tried to work and have earned less money than at any point in my lifetime. I have slept in my car in the winter and didn't have enough gasoline to heat myself. I have been taken to the hospital twice with hypothermia.
I have a new problem in my place in life. I have partially given up. I have had a family business go under. A regular job that added security to my life and gave me some middle class status go under sending me back to the drawing board. I have had an addiction lead to some great failures in love and relationships. I have seen blood and fought hard to stay alive at times. I have had a knife dig into the skin under my chin as a man told me he was about to slit my throat. I have had more irony and bad luck than anyone I have ever known. And I do not care about the entire pile of failures and bad circumtances one bit. I admit the turning point comes when you get to lie your head on a pillow again and put some of your things away for a while without having them shoved inside your backpack and only what you can carry with you. That is when you can finally start to reflect on all that has happened and where you are now. That is when a cooler mind will begin to see the situation for what it is and begin to formulate a plan to get back on your feet again. The problem is I don't want to. I don't care about getting anywhere anymore. I just want to rest . The worst of my trials was the 6 years I worked on the dock with my old company as I and the others knew we were slowly going under. Nothing we were going to do would change it. I and the other men who worked there the longest were doing crazy things to keep it opened . I ran two routes and never called in sick or took vacations for the last 6 years. I fell towards the end of the 5th of those 6 years and had 3 shoulder surgeries in two years as was left disabled to some degree. Clearly this would take away quality of life and make it hard to earn money in the end. I was going to have to change . And change is something I really don't like. For better or for worse. I just don't like tomorrow to upset the comfort of today. Short term thinker, I know how bad it is. I am an addict.
I fell for the 'living in the past" routine so hard that I have spent nearly all of my life reliving bad events that have occured since I was 3 months old. I have PTSD and often don't remember doing or saying things I do. If I have a tramitic experience it doesn't really appear to bother me at the time it happens. The follow day or days after it does. And sometimes during the strangest events that do nothing to explain my behavior to the other people around me. Like begining to hyperventalate at a stoplight or during lunch with my girlfriend while she talks about her day.. These times are usually going to bring on more consequences. Live your life in the past long enough and that becomes all life has to offer you.
None of them stalled me. Not a single thing that happened to me as a result of drug use or bad behavior ever made change. I started to get in touch with how other's behavior made my life harder. Then I started to see that if I could change that for another person as a result of my experience, I could feel better about what I had been through. Not the prolific words many would hope for when seeking easy solutions to life and it's complications for sure, but it is the basic life lesson I have here . One that when I started applying into my days would change the entire makeup of my life. Amazingly this leson came as a result of a girlfriend of mine who used drugs with me, getting a puppy as a birthday gift when she was the last person on earth who should have had one. She would leave that puppy at her drug dealers house whenever she would go to work and let him watch the puppy until she returned from work. He would do his best job of tending to the very young pup and would rarely even put him down for brief periods during the day as a result of there being drugs in the carpet at his trailer home. I know this of course because I was the drug dealer . What I learned from this was that if you start to care about someone or something else beside yourself, then even if you don't like yourself, your life will improved and indeed must improove at least enough to watch over that other thing you love. And that will be the introduction to the first chapter that will come in the following days called MONTY. It is about that pup and his life and how it changed me and others around me. One life really does matter. And depending on the reason it matters, that change can be extreme. Never assume your not worth anything. Never go to bed at night thinking there is nothing special about you. Never feel so lost and lonely that you give up. Life has too many curves and turns to bring you back from beyond that door. Now that I have your attention. The intro is about over.
The opening of this larger project about my steps and writing to record my path and learning, will include many smaller sized parts of the bigger story which has a first book and a second I am outlining with the intent of writing it later on. There is not enough time in the day for one person no matter what class of people they are currently representing.
I am an addict named Brian. I hate the connection between my name and what I have struggled with. There is no way being an addict should ever come before my name. I am Brian, a person who struggles with addiction. . .
Nope. I hate it. I am Brian Reese, a person who has gotten sick as hell of being called an addict. I am 48 years old and I have never been arrested again. I have however had a group following of local law enforcement since I was thrown out of my home and had my ex-girlfriend take my 12 year old puggle, Sam away from me. I have had a chip on my shoulder with the entire world and everyone in it. I have tried to work and have earned less money than at any point in my lifetime. I have slept in my car in the winter and didn't have enough gasoline to heat myself. I have been taken to the hospital twice with hypothermia.
I have a new problem in my place in life. I have partially given up. I have had a family business go under. A regular job that added security to my life and gave me some middle class status go under sending me back to the drawing board. I have had an addiction lead to some great failures in love and relationships. I have seen blood and fought hard to stay alive at times. I have had a knife dig into the skin under my chin as a man told me he was about to slit my throat. I have had more irony and bad luck than anyone I have ever known. And I do not care about the entire pile of failures and bad circumtances one bit. I admit the turning point comes when you get to lie your head on a pillow again and put some of your things away for a while without having them shoved inside your backpack and only what you can carry with you. That is when you can finally start to reflect on all that has happened and where you are now. That is when a cooler mind will begin to see the situation for what it is and begin to formulate a plan to get back on your feet again. The problem is I don't want to. I don't care about getting anywhere anymore. I just want to rest . The worst of my trials was the 6 years I worked on the dock with my old company as I and the others knew we were slowly going under. Nothing we were going to do would change it. I and the other men who worked there the longest were doing crazy things to keep it opened . I ran two routes and never called in sick or took vacations for the last 6 years. I fell towards the end of the 5th of those 6 years and had 3 shoulder surgeries in two years as was left disabled to some degree. Clearly this would take away quality of life and make it hard to earn money in the end. I was going to have to change . And change is something I really don't like. For better or for worse. I just don't like tomorrow to upset the comfort of today. Short term thinker, I know how bad it is. I am an addict.
I fell for the 'living in the past" routine so hard that I have spent nearly all of my life reliving bad events that have occured since I was 3 months old. I have PTSD and often don't remember doing or saying things I do. If I have a tramitic experience it doesn't really appear to bother me at the time it happens. The follow day or days after it does. And sometimes during the strangest events that do nothing to explain my behavior to the other people around me. Like begining to hyperventalate at a stoplight or during lunch with my girlfriend while she talks about her day.. These times are usually going to bring on more consequences. Live your life in the past long enough and that becomes all life has to offer you.
None of them stalled me. Not a single thing that happened to me as a result of drug use or bad behavior ever made change. I started to get in touch with how other's behavior made my life harder. Then I started to see that if I could change that for another person as a result of my experience, I could feel better about what I had been through. Not the prolific words many would hope for when seeking easy solutions to life and it's complications for sure, but it is the basic life lesson I have here . One that when I started applying into my days would change the entire makeup of my life. Amazingly this leson came as a result of a girlfriend of mine who used drugs with me, getting a puppy as a birthday gift when she was the last person on earth who should have had one. She would leave that puppy at her drug dealers house whenever she would go to work and let him watch the puppy until she returned from work. He would do his best job of tending to the very young pup and would rarely even put him down for brief periods during the day as a result of there being drugs in the carpet at his trailer home. I know this of course because I was the drug dealer . What I learned from this was that if you start to care about someone or something else beside yourself, then even if you don't like yourself, your life will improved and indeed must improove at least enough to watch over that other thing you love. And that will be the introduction to the first chapter that will come in the following days called MONTY. It is about that pup and his life and how it changed me and others around me. One life really does matter. And depending on the reason it matters, that change can be extreme. Never assume your not worth anything. Never go to bed at night thinking there is nothing special about you. Never feel so lost and lonely that you give up. Life has too many curves and turns to bring you back from beyond that door. Now that I have your attention. The intro is about over.
The opening of this larger project about my steps and writing to record my path and learning, will include many smaller sized parts of the bigger story which has a first book and a second I am outlining with the intent of writing it later on. There is not enough time in the day for one person no matter what class of people they are currently representing.
