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Bonnie, Clyde and the Post Office.
Arnold was either drunk or recovering from being drunk. His blood status would be deemed; intoxicated, constantly.
And what comes with being a drunk is the idea that you're a lovable drunk, which is almost always not the case.
The idea of pissing yourself at a friend of a friend's birthday party is understandably unacceptable, especially at 11 o' clock in the morning at a Gocart track. But Arnold would consider this falling within the realms of a lovable drunks remit.
" Come on, I may of had a few too many."
" We had to have the Gocart cleaned and you went home in a bin liner you fucking idiot."
Any normal person would take this constructive criticism on board and try their utmost to never do that again. But Arnold takes this advice and stores it away in his deepest part of his brain, in a box marked old Vhs tapes. Under that box is a box marked childhood trauma. Arnold has done a tremendous job of camouflaging and sealing these boxes away. And periodically Arnold douses them in alcohol in the hope that they fade away, they don't. They're strong but they do leak.
------
Yatin Patel swallows hard as he looks down the barrel of a gun. It wasn't a real gun it was the outstretched fingers of a 23 year old girl called Chloe.
"Give me the money now. The cops are gonna be here any second." Demands Chloe.
She quickly brandishes her fingers at another man in the cue. He is very confused by this.
Yatin shoots him a reassuring look and hands Chloe her change. She grabs it and throws it in a pillow case she had brought to this so-called heist. Grabbing the Hubba bubba she has legally purchased, slash stolen in her mind. She then backs out of the shop being sure to point her fingers at every confused customer in the shop. She then runs as fast she can back to her flat. Which is situated directly above newsagents she has technically robbed.
" She has tied me up in the past." Said Yatin smiling.
" How long has she been doing this?" Inquired the bemused customer.
" Since she was about eleven."
" Wow all that time?"
" Ye her mum says it's best just to play along otherwise she err…" Yatin stops himself so not to veer off from polite conversation. "... well it's just best we play along. It's quite funny sometimes when she brings both guns." Yatin points both of his fingers in the air and makes gun noises.
" I hope you tripped the silent alarm." Said the bemused customer with a smile.
----
Chloe made a click clacking noise with her mouth as she mimed dismantling her Walther Ppk.
" You said this wouldn't happen again Chloe. You said the last time was the last time." Her mother said in her most dramatic distress. Chloe sensed her patronizing tone, she always sensed her patronizing tone.
She slid her imaginary Ppk under her bed in an old box that was for Christmas bath salts. She then stood up and walked towards her bedroom door not forgetting to give mother the two fingers before slamming the door closed.
Since her father left her Mother, Chloe has had to live with her Mother's bitterness. And although she loves her Mother she would like nothing more than to put her imaginary PPK against her temple and pull the trigger.
-----
"Chloe I've signed you up to a dating agency. You've got a date Friday."
Chloe was bewildered at her Mother's proposal; or revelation more accurately speaking. There was a sly look twitching away on her Mother's face as she dragged heavily on a Benson and Hedges cigarette.
" I somehow managed to take a picture of you when you were asleep. You didn't look entirely dead so hopefully the guy won't be a complete weirdo. "
Chloe's mother kept her gaze on the TV so not to make eye contact with her daughter. She didn't want to seem overly smug.
As Chloe fled the room, her Mother knew exactly what to expect.
Chloe returned with her fingers drawn and she wasted no time blasting her Mother away.
" You need to meet people, you can't just stay in your room all day." Exclaimed her Mother.
Frustrated at the fact her Mother's brains weren't showering their living room she checked the pistol grip of her Walther PPK.
" Check the Safety Chloe."
" I don't need your help Mother! And what possessed you to sign me up to a dating site." Chloe makes a clicking noise for the Safety on the PPK. Then continues to pump 9mm rounds into her Mother's centre of mass.
" You Chloe are an absolute weirdo. I love you Chloe but you're a nut nut. You need to find a man."
" A man!" Scream Chloe. She then runs out of the room again.
" You need to leave this fantasy behind you. You are not a dandy highway man. Stop holding up the bloody newsagents. Yatin has a long fuse but he's not gonna let you do it forever."
Chloe returns again with something that's obviously bigger given her grip is further apart and her elbows are jutted out wider.
" What's that's supposed to be now."
" A Sterling submachine."
When Chloe unloaded the 30 bullet banana clip into her Mother, her whole body jolted as if she was having an epileptic fit.
" Oh jesus." Said her Mother as she rolled her eyes.
Chloe loaded another clip as her Mother rose to her feet then made her way over to her daughter and placed her hands on her face.
She looked into Chloe's desperate eyes then said "Your going." Then kissed her on the head then sat back down and watched the rest of the The Chase on T.V.
All that Chloe could do was to sling her weapon then scream her heart out like a child that's been sent to her bedroom.
She is 32 years old.
-----
Arnold had decided to celebrate his sobriety that morning by drinking cheap wine in the afternoon.
His arse was now getting sore from that stiff bar stool. He had been sat at the upstairs bar of the Crown and Anchor for 4 hours and he was very well oiled.
" I Like you Mollie."
"Millie." Corrected Millie.
"It's because you don't judge a book by it's cover." Arnold continued; oblivious to Millie wincing at his chlichèd advances.
" That's where you're wrong. I am judging you right now. Your book cover is terrible, like every other shit kicking dickhead your life is sub par. You think you're Oliver Reed; but to borrow a phrase my 14 year old sister; you are a waste man without the talent."
This was a lot of insults for Arnold's inebriated brain to process all once. But eventually the feeling of embarrassment flushes through his synapses. Luckily for Arnold he was able to file Millie's aptly made comments away in that soggy box in his mind. Then he declared he was going for a shit.
"Nice." said Millie with disgust.
Arnold snorted the rest of his cocaine in the toilet cubicle. Then he gave a short cockney monologue in the mirror.
After graduating university with a Performing Arts degree the only acting that Arnold had done was in the various pub toilet mirrors dotted across London.
He was lost and underqualified which is a recipe for a destitute downward spiral.
" I will be sticking my hands in cement on the Hollywood walk when I get my break. You mark my words!" Arnold was stood on a table now screaming at the disheveled patrons.
"Get off the table you dickhead." Screamed the 80 year old lady that was sat at the table Arnold was now using as a soap box.
" Ye Arnold, get off the table." Millie chimed in; as she was pouring a gin and tonic and trying to take her job seriously.
The walk from the bar to the bathroom had shifted a lot of the alcohol that was trapped in Arnold calves to Arnold brain. And it was now incapacitating his speech. His jaw was grinding and his fingers were tracing his palms. While murmuring he was the greatest actor on the planet, Gene the 80 year old that called Arnold a dickhead was now tying his shoelaces. Gene was a bitch.
"You couldn't act your way out of a wet paper bag." Screamed Gene.
" Why would I be in a wet paper bag Gene!" Replied Arnold in a high pitched shrill.
"Guys calm down." Moaned Mille with her head in her hands asking herself why she was babysitting these idiots.
-----
Chloe's Mother rubbed her temples as she sighed at her Daughter's recounting of her evening.
"They said they'd called the police."
The restaurant Manager was trying to coax Chloe off their table. And that was his opening gambit.
" Did you hear what he fucking said!" Bellowed Chloe across the restaurant to sounds of the clientele gasping in shock.
"Madam please." The manager said urging Chloe to yield.
" What did he say?" Her mother said with an accusing tone. Whilst trying to contemplate what on earth a perfectly good, living, breathing male suitor could possibly say to cause enough offense and jeopardise Chloe finally moving out.
" He said I looked nice." Chloe said with a loathing tone.
Chloe's Mother was confused and the restaurant manager was confused also. But the most confused person in the restaurant that evening was Malcom; the blind date.
He still had a finger trained on him. He had never been held at finger point before. He had no idea what to do. Maybe he should of realised there was something a little kooky about this girl when he noticed her earrings were made out of florets of broccoli.
" You didn't complement my broccoli earrings!"
"Oh they're lovely." Said Malcom quickly grabbing the opportunity to quell the situation.
This was followed by a chorus of onlookers taking the same opportunity. The restaurant manager was hoping this would calm Chloe down.
" What is wrong with you Chloe?" Her Mother said, sounding completely beside herself.
Chloe sighed at her Mother's defiance. "What happened next." Her Mother asked not wanting know but wanting to know.
"Well of course I left no witness." Chloe said so matter of factly.
It took about 5 minutes to kill everybody in the restaurant, as Chloe backed out of the front door. Everybody was very confused. Chloe also got into a small gun battle with a 5 year old at one of the tables before his mother pulled him away.
----
It took a moment for Malcolm's sensibilities to force him out of his seat and chase after his quirky blind date.
Malcom didn't finish his sentence before Arnold fell through the plate glass window of the Crown and Anchor.
Arnold couldn't steady himself after Gene tied his shoe laces. Condemning him to his fateful plunge out of that window. Killing Malcom instantly on impact.
Chloe rushed over to see what had transpired.
As Malcolm's dead body rolled off Arnold, Chloe and Arnold's eyes transfixed, and Chloe right then and there fell in love with this aerial assassin.
" I am in so much pain." Arnold managed to say to Chloe through immense pain.
" I love him." Chloe said to her Mother.
"Fucking hell!" Her mother replied.
-----
"This is Chief Inspector Morris, of the Hampshire Constabulary. You have 4 Armed police officers outside the post office. So we need to get you and the other people in the post office home safely." Barked Inspector Morris through a battered old megaphone.
" This was supposed to be a quiet weekend away Chloe. Now we're in a hostage situation. After you've tried to rob a post office." Arnold was now breathing heavily as the severity of the situation dawned on him.
"I know its fucking hot right?"
Arnold was not expecting that response and now he felt like he was going to pass out.
"Mavis!" Chloe shouted as she moved back to the post office counter. Mavis was visibly and emotionally shaken. She could only raise her eyebrows to show acknowledgement.
" Why is there heavily armed police outside?"
Mavis pointed to the button of the silent alarm under the counter. Chloe hung over the counter to take a closer look. Chloe gave an audible hum surrendering the notion she hadn't thought of the silent alarm.
"Where did you get these guns Chloe?" Arnold couldn't believe he was having to ask this question.
" Car boot." Responded Chloe.
Arnold's mind had now disconnected from reality.
" Wouldn't it be romantic if me and you went out in a blaze of glory. Like Bonnie and Clyde. I used to listen to love songs and read the escapades of Bonnie and Clyde. They lived such a dangerous loving life."
Arnold couldn't think of a time he took a disliking to "the law." And he'd only been seeing Chloe for three months. He was kind of thinking that Chloe asking him to die in a hail of bullets for 30 pound and a few stamps was a bit of a relationship faux pas.
Chloe loaded a magazine into the Sterling submachine gun. And then checked there was a round in the chamber of the Walther PPK.
" Hold this." Chloe politely asked Arnold.
Arnold grabbed the Mills Bomb hand grenade without knowing what it was until Chloe pulled the pin out.
" Brilliant a hand grenade." Sighed Arnold.
Chloe then passionately kissed Arnold on the lips.
" Don't let the lever go until we're outside babes."
Although the madness of the situation should of rendered Arnold stuck rigid with fear. Chloe had a persuasion that made his fears dissolve. Loving someone and allowing them to love you is the greatest thing you can do; thought Arnold.
" Mavis! I think we're gonna miss the last post!" Bellowed Arnold
" Nice one liner babes."
" Cheers."
With that the two strode out to meet the unknown, their destiny. But a calmness had settled over Arnold's heart and a certainty that everything was going to be ok had entered his mind.
Epilogue:
In 50 years Hampshire armed police had only discharged 1 bullet in the line of duty, until that day. 3 times the amount that had killed Bonnie and Clyde ripped through the bodies of Chloe and Arnold. 390 bullets tore through them. The armed police were quoted to say " We got a bit carried away."
Even after the mills bomb had exploded devastating the lovers. The police continue to fire.
The End.
© Stephen White
And what comes with being a drunk is the idea that you're a lovable drunk, which is almost always not the case.
The idea of pissing yourself at a friend of a friend's birthday party is understandably unacceptable, especially at 11 o' clock in the morning at a Gocart track. But Arnold would consider this falling within the realms of a lovable drunks remit.
" Come on, I may of had a few too many."
" We had to have the Gocart cleaned and you went home in a bin liner you fucking idiot."
Any normal person would take this constructive criticism on board and try their utmost to never do that again. But Arnold takes this advice and stores it away in his deepest part of his brain, in a box marked old Vhs tapes. Under that box is a box marked childhood trauma. Arnold has done a tremendous job of camouflaging and sealing these boxes away. And periodically Arnold douses them in alcohol in the hope that they fade away, they don't. They're strong but they do leak.
------
Yatin Patel swallows hard as he looks down the barrel of a gun. It wasn't a real gun it was the outstretched fingers of a 23 year old girl called Chloe.
"Give me the money now. The cops are gonna be here any second." Demands Chloe.
She quickly brandishes her fingers at another man in the cue. He is very confused by this.
Yatin shoots him a reassuring look and hands Chloe her change. She grabs it and throws it in a pillow case she had brought to this so-called heist. Grabbing the Hubba bubba she has legally purchased, slash stolen in her mind. She then backs out of the shop being sure to point her fingers at every confused customer in the shop. She then runs as fast she can back to her flat. Which is situated directly above newsagents she has technically robbed.
" She has tied me up in the past." Said Yatin smiling.
" How long has she been doing this?" Inquired the bemused customer.
" Since she was about eleven."
" Wow all that time?"
" Ye her mum says it's best just to play along otherwise she err…" Yatin stops himself so not to veer off from polite conversation. "... well it's just best we play along. It's quite funny sometimes when she brings both guns." Yatin points both of his fingers in the air and makes gun noises.
" I hope you tripped the silent alarm." Said the bemused customer with a smile.
----
Chloe made a click clacking noise with her mouth as she mimed dismantling her Walther Ppk.
" You said this wouldn't happen again Chloe. You said the last time was the last time." Her mother said in her most dramatic distress. Chloe sensed her patronizing tone, she always sensed her patronizing tone.
She slid her imaginary Ppk under her bed in an old box that was for Christmas bath salts. She then stood up and walked towards her bedroom door not forgetting to give mother the two fingers before slamming the door closed.
Since her father left her Mother, Chloe has had to live with her Mother's bitterness. And although she loves her Mother she would like nothing more than to put her imaginary PPK against her temple and pull the trigger.
-----
"Chloe I've signed you up to a dating agency. You've got a date Friday."
Chloe was bewildered at her Mother's proposal; or revelation more accurately speaking. There was a sly look twitching away on her Mother's face as she dragged heavily on a Benson and Hedges cigarette.
" I somehow managed to take a picture of you when you were asleep. You didn't look entirely dead so hopefully the guy won't be a complete weirdo. "
Chloe's mother kept her gaze on the TV so not to make eye contact with her daughter. She didn't want to seem overly smug.
As Chloe fled the room, her Mother knew exactly what to expect.
Chloe returned with her fingers drawn and she wasted no time blasting her Mother away.
" You need to meet people, you can't just stay in your room all day." Exclaimed her Mother.
Frustrated at the fact her Mother's brains weren't showering their living room she checked the pistol grip of her Walther PPK.
" Check the Safety Chloe."
" I don't need your help Mother! And what possessed you to sign me up to a dating site." Chloe makes a clicking noise for the Safety on the PPK. Then continues to pump 9mm rounds into her Mother's centre of mass.
" You Chloe are an absolute weirdo. I love you Chloe but you're a nut nut. You need to find a man."
" A man!" Scream Chloe. She then runs out of the room again.
" You need to leave this fantasy behind you. You are not a dandy highway man. Stop holding up the bloody newsagents. Yatin has a long fuse but he's not gonna let you do it forever."
Chloe returns again with something that's obviously bigger given her grip is further apart and her elbows are jutted out wider.
" What's that's supposed to be now."
" A Sterling submachine."
When Chloe unloaded the 30 bullet banana clip into her Mother, her whole body jolted as if she was having an epileptic fit.
" Oh jesus." Said her Mother as she rolled her eyes.
Chloe loaded another clip as her Mother rose to her feet then made her way over to her daughter and placed her hands on her face.
She looked into Chloe's desperate eyes then said "Your going." Then kissed her on the head then sat back down and watched the rest of the The Chase on T.V.
All that Chloe could do was to sling her weapon then scream her heart out like a child that's been sent to her bedroom.
She is 32 years old.
-----
Arnold had decided to celebrate his sobriety that morning by drinking cheap wine in the afternoon.
His arse was now getting sore from that stiff bar stool. He had been sat at the upstairs bar of the Crown and Anchor for 4 hours and he was very well oiled.
" I Like you Mollie."
"Millie." Corrected Millie.
"It's because you don't judge a book by it's cover." Arnold continued; oblivious to Millie wincing at his chlichèd advances.
" That's where you're wrong. I am judging you right now. Your book cover is terrible, like every other shit kicking dickhead your life is sub par. You think you're Oliver Reed; but to borrow a phrase my 14 year old sister; you are a waste man without the talent."
This was a lot of insults for Arnold's inebriated brain to process all once. But eventually the feeling of embarrassment flushes through his synapses. Luckily for Arnold he was able to file Millie's aptly made comments away in that soggy box in his mind. Then he declared he was going for a shit.
"Nice." said Millie with disgust.
Arnold snorted the rest of his cocaine in the toilet cubicle. Then he gave a short cockney monologue in the mirror.
After graduating university with a Performing Arts degree the only acting that Arnold had done was in the various pub toilet mirrors dotted across London.
He was lost and underqualified which is a recipe for a destitute downward spiral.
" I will be sticking my hands in cement on the Hollywood walk when I get my break. You mark my words!" Arnold was stood on a table now screaming at the disheveled patrons.
"Get off the table you dickhead." Screamed the 80 year old lady that was sat at the table Arnold was now using as a soap box.
" Ye Arnold, get off the table." Millie chimed in; as she was pouring a gin and tonic and trying to take her job seriously.
The walk from the bar to the bathroom had shifted a lot of the alcohol that was trapped in Arnold calves to Arnold brain. And it was now incapacitating his speech. His jaw was grinding and his fingers were tracing his palms. While murmuring he was the greatest actor on the planet, Gene the 80 year old that called Arnold a dickhead was now tying his shoelaces. Gene was a bitch.
"You couldn't act your way out of a wet paper bag." Screamed Gene.
" Why would I be in a wet paper bag Gene!" Replied Arnold in a high pitched shrill.
"Guys calm down." Moaned Mille with her head in her hands asking herself why she was babysitting these idiots.
-----
Chloe's Mother rubbed her temples as she sighed at her Daughter's recounting of her evening.
"They said they'd called the police."
The restaurant Manager was trying to coax Chloe off their table. And that was his opening gambit.
" Did you hear what he fucking said!" Bellowed Chloe across the restaurant to sounds of the clientele gasping in shock.
"Madam please." The manager said urging Chloe to yield.
" What did he say?" Her mother said with an accusing tone. Whilst trying to contemplate what on earth a perfectly good, living, breathing male suitor could possibly say to cause enough offense and jeopardise Chloe finally moving out.
" He said I looked nice." Chloe said with a loathing tone.
Chloe's Mother was confused and the restaurant manager was confused also. But the most confused person in the restaurant that evening was Malcom; the blind date.
He still had a finger trained on him. He had never been held at finger point before. He had no idea what to do. Maybe he should of realised there was something a little kooky about this girl when he noticed her earrings were made out of florets of broccoli.
" You didn't complement my broccoli earrings!"
"Oh they're lovely." Said Malcom quickly grabbing the opportunity to quell the situation.
This was followed by a chorus of onlookers taking the same opportunity. The restaurant manager was hoping this would calm Chloe down.
" What is wrong with you Chloe?" Her Mother said, sounding completely beside herself.
Chloe sighed at her Mother's defiance. "What happened next." Her Mother asked not wanting know but wanting to know.
"Well of course I left no witness." Chloe said so matter of factly.
It took about 5 minutes to kill everybody in the restaurant, as Chloe backed out of the front door. Everybody was very confused. Chloe also got into a small gun battle with a 5 year old at one of the tables before his mother pulled him away.
----
It took a moment for Malcolm's sensibilities to force him out of his seat and chase after his quirky blind date.
Malcom didn't finish his sentence before Arnold fell through the plate glass window of the Crown and Anchor.
Arnold couldn't steady himself after Gene tied his shoe laces. Condemning him to his fateful plunge out of that window. Killing Malcom instantly on impact.
Chloe rushed over to see what had transpired.
As Malcolm's dead body rolled off Arnold, Chloe and Arnold's eyes transfixed, and Chloe right then and there fell in love with this aerial assassin.
" I am in so much pain." Arnold managed to say to Chloe through immense pain.
" I love him." Chloe said to her Mother.
"Fucking hell!" Her mother replied.
-----
"This is Chief Inspector Morris, of the Hampshire Constabulary. You have 4 Armed police officers outside the post office. So we need to get you and the other people in the post office home safely." Barked Inspector Morris through a battered old megaphone.
" This was supposed to be a quiet weekend away Chloe. Now we're in a hostage situation. After you've tried to rob a post office." Arnold was now breathing heavily as the severity of the situation dawned on him.
"I know its fucking hot right?"
Arnold was not expecting that response and now he felt like he was going to pass out.
"Mavis!" Chloe shouted as she moved back to the post office counter. Mavis was visibly and emotionally shaken. She could only raise her eyebrows to show acknowledgement.
" Why is there heavily armed police outside?"
Mavis pointed to the button of the silent alarm under the counter. Chloe hung over the counter to take a closer look. Chloe gave an audible hum surrendering the notion she hadn't thought of the silent alarm.
"Where did you get these guns Chloe?" Arnold couldn't believe he was having to ask this question.
" Car boot." Responded Chloe.
Arnold's mind had now disconnected from reality.
" Wouldn't it be romantic if me and you went out in a blaze of glory. Like Bonnie and Clyde. I used to listen to love songs and read the escapades of Bonnie and Clyde. They lived such a dangerous loving life."
Arnold couldn't think of a time he took a disliking to "the law." And he'd only been seeing Chloe for three months. He was kind of thinking that Chloe asking him to die in a hail of bullets for 30 pound and a few stamps was a bit of a relationship faux pas.
Chloe loaded a magazine into the Sterling submachine gun. And then checked there was a round in the chamber of the Walther PPK.
" Hold this." Chloe politely asked Arnold.
Arnold grabbed the Mills Bomb hand grenade without knowing what it was until Chloe pulled the pin out.
" Brilliant a hand grenade." Sighed Arnold.
Chloe then passionately kissed Arnold on the lips.
" Don't let the lever go until we're outside babes."
Although the madness of the situation should of rendered Arnold stuck rigid with fear. Chloe had a persuasion that made his fears dissolve. Loving someone and allowing them to love you is the greatest thing you can do; thought Arnold.
" Mavis! I think we're gonna miss the last post!" Bellowed Arnold
" Nice one liner babes."
" Cheers."
With that the two strode out to meet the unknown, their destiny. But a calmness had settled over Arnold's heart and a certainty that everything was going to be ok had entered his mind.
Epilogue:
In 50 years Hampshire armed police had only discharged 1 bullet in the line of duty, until that day. 3 times the amount that had killed Bonnie and Clyde ripped through the bodies of Chloe and Arnold. 390 bullets tore through them. The armed police were quoted to say " We got a bit carried away."
Even after the mills bomb had exploded devastating the lovers. The police continue to fire.
The End.
© Stephen White
