"You are something."
I said as I looked into his eyes, maybe deeper.
His face became puzzled and he asked "what I do now?"
I smiled. He's lying. He knows exactly what he's doing.
"You confuse me."
Again, a puzzled look on his face. He asked how.
Thinking about it, I never really concluded on how he made me feel.
Do I really like this guy or am I only attracted to his everything?
Aren't those two same things?
I get scared to think of a future with him cos I'm not sure if he's thinking the same with me.
I only want a mutual relationship, is that too much to ask?
He's someone I want so bad but can't have.
"You are my friend".
When he said that to me over text, I didn't know whether to be happy I'm his friend or whether to be sad because I wanted more.
"You are innocent, I'm bad for you."
For two decades, I always tried to avoid trouble, looked the other way but with him, I'm lost in it. All the "bad" that I wouldn't do, I'm reconsidering for him.
"I feel I'd get hurt" I told him one time.
"Hurt is part of living" was his response to me.
I may hurt him, he may hurt me or we both could hurt each other..
A trap that as I get closer to, becomes inevitable.
I wanted to stop. I wanted to forget. But I've come to this point where if I back out, I'd be hurt. I'd hurt myself.
I'd be thinking of "ifs" and be full of regrets for backing out and away from one whose goofiness makes me smile.
One time, over the phone, I said something about life not being fair.
He said "life never is fair, if it was, you wouldn't be way younger"
He was the one who came in too early. Now we both have to bear it somehow.
I like him a lot but as we progress, I realize he does too. Only he's restricting himself because of our differences.
I see this. I feel it. It makes me hurt but I can't stop.
******
"You confuse me."
"How?"
"I'm always in the middle of claiming you as mine or guarding my already stolen heart."

© skinnyCee