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If You Can't Tell Us
If you find your child not confiding in you, regardless of his/her age, you have failed in a very important subject of parenting : Trust.
Result will be that your child will try to find this trust in strangers. And if that trust, that only trust he/she has in someone, gets broken by any means, he/she is left shattered.
At that time you'd try to do everything to bring him/her back to normalcy and because you won't have any idea of the reason, you'll say things like 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?', in a frustrating manner, or 'IF YOU CAN'T TELL US, WHO ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO TELL!', again in a restless manner.
Your child still won't open up to you, because now there will be struggles added of how to tell you, whether to even tell you or not, what are you going to think of him/her, what will be your reaction, and so on.
And this adds fuel to the fire of his already disoriented state, and you are never going to know this, until or unless he/she themselves say things.
Now why this happens?
Take your own example.
Let's say you work somewhere. 'Once something came up and asked a colleague of yours to help you this time and you'll be very grateful and will help in return also whenever needed. But the colleague denied your request saying that he is way too busy.' You realised the sitution and said that it's ok. Again at some other point of time you asked for help and the colleague denied with another reason. Then again it happened with a different excuse. Please note that' this is the only colleague that you have been trusting for so long, he's friendly cheerful and very kind towards you, and that's why you trust this person only at your workplace.'
But seeing these numbers of denials, WILL YOU TRUST HIM AGAIN TO ASK FOR ANY HELP?
Most probably no.
The same goes with your child, regardless of his/her age!
If he's a kid and does something very ashmaeful, or tells you that he's done this thing, which is very shameful, you'll scold him/her and threaten him to be punished if it's done again. But a kid doesn't know what is shame and will probably do the same mistake again. And you'll do the same reaction again. And again. Now maybe he/she has stopped doing that 'shameful' thing. But this thing gets programmed into his mind that 'IF EVER A MISTAKE IS DONE AND THAT TOO A' SHAMEFUL' ONE, HIS/HER PARENTS CAN NEVER BE CONFIDED IN AND ARE THUS TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS '.
Now this' shameful' thing can be anything.
Watching TV for a little more time ( your child will watch secretly, always looking for when you are leaving)
Making clothes dirty ( your child will try to hide them or worst, he/she will STOP doing things that are going to make his/her clothes dirty)
Failing a test/ getting marks less than your expectations ( he/she will try everything to hide it, will try wrong means to get through, will aways be in a stressful state of mind before and after the results, the stress can sometimes go really high and unfortunately, you know what will happen.)
Having a male friends - this can be restricted to certain societies only and girls only ( will start telling lies to be with her friends and will probably drop a moral value of always speaking the truth forever)
Having a girlfriend or boyfriend - again restricted to certain societies only (again he/she will lie, maybe do stupid things, have regrets, maybe have breakups, and then will be handling them all alone. If you don't know what a breakup feels like, think of it as a feeling when someone dear to you dies and you can never have them back, for some this feeling is for a few days, for some, few months, and for others, a few years ; it's almost that feeling.)
And so on.
Now let's talk about the reaction.
If you'd have talked to your kid calmy, and try to make him/her understand why the thing is wrong and how it can be dangerous for him/her FIRSTLY, secondly for anyone else. Because face it, your child at some point of his/her life, will be alone, or let's say have to take his/her own decisions and make his/her own judgments, without your advice or guidance.
If you reason for things by saying 'what will people say', 'what about our reputation', ' they'll say we are bad parents' and all, your child will be programmed to take decisions from your point of views for the rest of his/her life. And imagine what state he/she'd be in when you, at some point in his/her grown years, ask him/her to decide, leaving him/her hanging just like that, claiming that' they've help you grown in a wise person, so now you decide by yourself. '
He/she will be so stressed out, you have no idea. And after claiming the above said thing, if he/she takes a wrong decision,oh God! I don't think I have to mention what your reaction will be.
Coming back to when you'll treat your child calmly, and you do it every time, regardless of number of times he/she repeats the same mistake, your child's mind is, firstly, understanding why that thing is wrong and secondly, programming that these guys(YOU) are really trustworthy! 'Even if I am wrong and do some mistakes these people will always have my back by advising me in the best way and helping me out accordingly. ( I am not talking about some serious crime stuff)'
Now let's see the different scenarios.
TV ( he/she WILL watch TV for long period of time, but eventually it will become Sometimes, because he/she now knows why it should be stopped. You've given him/her the right reason, no?)
Making clothes dirty ( No worries! Right?)
Failing a test (your child will focus on HOW HE/SHE CAN IMPROVE, rarehr than to be guilty or thinking about handling your reactions.)
Having male friends ( So what? Friendship has no gender. And on a practical ground having a male friend or friends is a good thing for your daughter's security, no?)
Having a boyfriend/girlfriend (Your child will come straight to YOU, to share the excitement and that butterflies in the stomach feeling, he/she will ask you in matters like how to treat his/her partner, tell you about the boy/girlfriend' s nature - so if you think your child is going to get hurt later, you'll warn him in advance and will keep warning, and if your child is hurt in the end he/she will have a shoulder to cry or someone to lean on-where you'll tell him about the lessons to be learnt)
And so on.
Of course no one can be a perfect parent. Parenting involves a lot of subjects!
But just try, to ace all the subjects of emotions, trust, care. Rest will fall in place on their own and even if they don't, it will not matter that much.
This TRUST subject is also easy to ace.
Think of your child as another adult member of your family. And then go down to his/her level of understanding to teach him. Try to walk in his/her shoes, although they won't even fit your whole hand!
AND
If you think it's too much for you to draw your time and attention to, don't be a parent.
No offence.
But IT'S HIGH TIME WE START TAKING PARENTING SERIOUSLY.
Kids suffer unknowingly because of bad parenting and this suffering becomes worse when they start growing up, and in adulthood, when they realise 'Why they are like this' it worsens their bond with their parents.
About the colleague story in the beginning, he won't bother about you or work or your needs. But your child, IF YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD, HE/SHE WILLL UNDERSTAND YOU. He/she will then help you even before you ask.
Isn't this what you want your old age to be like?
Moral values or family values are another aspect of parenting. Let's talk about it in some other Story post.
© bani745
Result will be that your child will try to find this trust in strangers. And if that trust, that only trust he/she has in someone, gets broken by any means, he/she is left shattered.
At that time you'd try to do everything to bring him/her back to normalcy and because you won't have any idea of the reason, you'll say things like 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?', in a frustrating manner, or 'IF YOU CAN'T TELL US, WHO ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO TELL!', again in a restless manner.
Your child still won't open up to you, because now there will be struggles added of how to tell you, whether to even tell you or not, what are you going to think of him/her, what will be your reaction, and so on.
And this adds fuel to the fire of his already disoriented state, and you are never going to know this, until or unless he/she themselves say things.
Now why this happens?
Take your own example.
Let's say you work somewhere. 'Once something came up and asked a colleague of yours to help you this time and you'll be very grateful and will help in return also whenever needed. But the colleague denied your request saying that he is way too busy.' You realised the sitution and said that it's ok. Again at some other point of time you asked for help and the colleague denied with another reason. Then again it happened with a different excuse. Please note that' this is the only colleague that you have been trusting for so long, he's friendly cheerful and very kind towards you, and that's why you trust this person only at your workplace.'
But seeing these numbers of denials, WILL YOU TRUST HIM AGAIN TO ASK FOR ANY HELP?
Most probably no.
The same goes with your child, regardless of his/her age!
If he's a kid and does something very ashmaeful, or tells you that he's done this thing, which is very shameful, you'll scold him/her and threaten him to be punished if it's done again. But a kid doesn't know what is shame and will probably do the same mistake again. And you'll do the same reaction again. And again. Now maybe he/she has stopped doing that 'shameful' thing. But this thing gets programmed into his mind that 'IF EVER A MISTAKE IS DONE AND THAT TOO A' SHAMEFUL' ONE, HIS/HER PARENTS CAN NEVER BE CONFIDED IN AND ARE THUS TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS '.
Now this' shameful' thing can be anything.
Watching TV for a little more time ( your child will watch secretly, always looking for when you are leaving)
Making clothes dirty ( your child will try to hide them or worst, he/she will STOP doing things that are going to make his/her clothes dirty)
Failing a test/ getting marks less than your expectations ( he/she will try everything to hide it, will try wrong means to get through, will aways be in a stressful state of mind before and after the results, the stress can sometimes go really high and unfortunately, you know what will happen.)
Having a male friends - this can be restricted to certain societies only and girls only ( will start telling lies to be with her friends and will probably drop a moral value of always speaking the truth forever)
Having a girlfriend or boyfriend - again restricted to certain societies only (again he/she will lie, maybe do stupid things, have regrets, maybe have breakups, and then will be handling them all alone. If you don't know what a breakup feels like, think of it as a feeling when someone dear to you dies and you can never have them back, for some this feeling is for a few days, for some, few months, and for others, a few years ; it's almost that feeling.)
And so on.
Now let's talk about the reaction.
If you'd have talked to your kid calmy, and try to make him/her understand why the thing is wrong and how it can be dangerous for him/her FIRSTLY, secondly for anyone else. Because face it, your child at some point of his/her life, will be alone, or let's say have to take his/her own decisions and make his/her own judgments, without your advice or guidance.
If you reason for things by saying 'what will people say', 'what about our reputation', ' they'll say we are bad parents' and all, your child will be programmed to take decisions from your point of views for the rest of his/her life. And imagine what state he/she'd be in when you, at some point in his/her grown years, ask him/her to decide, leaving him/her hanging just like that, claiming that' they've help you grown in a wise person, so now you decide by yourself. '
He/she will be so stressed out, you have no idea. And after claiming the above said thing, if he/she takes a wrong decision,oh God! I don't think I have to mention what your reaction will be.
Coming back to when you'll treat your child calmly, and you do it every time, regardless of number of times he/she repeats the same mistake, your child's mind is, firstly, understanding why that thing is wrong and secondly, programming that these guys(YOU) are really trustworthy! 'Even if I am wrong and do some mistakes these people will always have my back by advising me in the best way and helping me out accordingly. ( I am not talking about some serious crime stuff)'
Now let's see the different scenarios.
TV ( he/she WILL watch TV for long period of time, but eventually it will become Sometimes, because he/she now knows why it should be stopped. You've given him/her the right reason, no?)
Making clothes dirty ( No worries! Right?)
Failing a test (your child will focus on HOW HE/SHE CAN IMPROVE, rarehr than to be guilty or thinking about handling your reactions.)
Having male friends ( So what? Friendship has no gender. And on a practical ground having a male friend or friends is a good thing for your daughter's security, no?)
Having a boyfriend/girlfriend (Your child will come straight to YOU, to share the excitement and that butterflies in the stomach feeling, he/she will ask you in matters like how to treat his/her partner, tell you about the boy/girlfriend' s nature - so if you think your child is going to get hurt later, you'll warn him in advance and will keep warning, and if your child is hurt in the end he/she will have a shoulder to cry or someone to lean on-where you'll tell him about the lessons to be learnt)
And so on.
Of course no one can be a perfect parent. Parenting involves a lot of subjects!
But just try, to ace all the subjects of emotions, trust, care. Rest will fall in place on their own and even if they don't, it will not matter that much.
This TRUST subject is also easy to ace.
Think of your child as another adult member of your family. And then go down to his/her level of understanding to teach him. Try to walk in his/her shoes, although they won't even fit your whole hand!
AND
If you think it's too much for you to draw your time and attention to, don't be a parent.
No offence.
But IT'S HIGH TIME WE START TAKING PARENTING SERIOUSLY.
Kids suffer unknowingly because of bad parenting and this suffering becomes worse when they start growing up, and in adulthood, when they realise 'Why they are like this' it worsens their bond with their parents.
About the colleague story in the beginning, he won't bother about you or work or your needs. But your child, IF YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD, HE/SHE WILLL UNDERSTAND YOU. He/she will then help you even before you ask.
Isn't this what you want your old age to be like?
Moral values or family values are another aspect of parenting. Let's talk about it in some other Story post.
© bani745
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