It's amazing looking back how perspective changes so drastically over time. When you're younger you view things such as love and what marriage means to you so differently. I've been married before, in fact I never got divorced even though we've been seperated for two years, but the reasons I got married were all of the wrong ones, and so were the reasons I stayed. At the time we had been together for so long and we were expecting our first child. Getting married, even though I knew we were wrong for each other, seemed like the sensible thing to do. He asked, and even though I didn't see a future with him because we loved so toxicly and separated often; I agreed. I used to see divorce as a sense of failure whereas now I see it as a catalyst for growth and sometimes a necessity, especially when the people are wrong for each other. I looked at my vows seriously, even though it was like in sickness and in health, sure! I'll take care of you when you're sick. Love to me as well as marriage was a commitment, but I viewed it as an easy task. If I'm being completely honest, I loved him for who I wanted us to be, for who he was when I met him. I would look at the good times and think, if I just do this, if I'm more like this, things will be how they used to be. But in reality, people change. I didn't look at the long term factors. Communication, teamwork, honesty, agreeing to disagree, wanting the person to be happy regardless of what that meant for myself or if it tied into my views or plans of the future. I just wanted someone to love and a family, but I expected it to be a certain way. Well, we were starting a family, and I loved him or at least the idea of who I thought he was and the potential I saw in him. But are those really reasons for marriage? The short answer is no.

Real love is hard but it's also easy. It's a combination of loving yourself and loving the other person for who they really are, not who you want them to be or think they can become. People change. Are you willing to respect the person even when you disagree eith them or their choices? Can you see the changes in them and accept them for who they are? Can you be willing to try to understand and to listen, even if it isn't what you thought should or would happen? Can you love them through those changes, truly, instead of expecting them to be who they were when you met them? People can't grow without change. Relationships can't evolve and grow without change. Change is a necessity. You have to be willing to accept that, to love the new versions of them because it is who they are and are becoming, to be happy for them no matter what it means for you. You have to be selfless, and while you may not view yourself as a selfish person, being selfless means no matter what it means for you, you are happy as long as they are.

I still view marriage as a commitment, because it is; but marriage to me is more than a family and a last name and an idea for the future. It's more than making soup when your partner is sick, or buying them the video game they've always wanted. Marriage is an understanding. It's seeing the other person and hearing them, it's friendship and love with no strings attached. It's evolving with them, instead of holding them to expectations and standards they can't fill. It's working together in every aspect, never keeping anything from them no matter how dark. It's communication. It's telling them the hard shit because when you don't, you set them to a standard they don't even know they have to meet. Then you get disappointed and hold resentment, which is toxic. Marriage to me says, no matter who you'll become, no matter what life throws at us, I will accept you for who you choose to be and I will work and fight through every battle because you mean more to me than the hard times life throws our way and I can't imagine my life without you. Not because of a matter of comfortability or history or obligation, but because I know we have each others' backs and can make it through anything as long as we work together.

I feel so much more about the topic that is hard to put into words, so that's all for now. Just some of what's on my mind.


© mistybby