I cannot sleep.
And the more I focus on trying to sleep the less sleep I get.
I'm smoking marijuana (loads of it) like it's the end of days, I'm trying to get myself so stoned that just maybe it'll tranquilize my mind for a few days. Yet it refuses to submit to the reset button that is sleep.

Maybe my sleeplessness is like a tool, unconsciously incorporated, and infused into my mental like a safety measure because lately I'm having so many dreams, that I remember, dreams that are hard to face even after the multiple decades between the event and present day. Violent attacks in my volatile dreams cause me to wake in a pool of my own sweat, with my heart pulsating at worrisome levels.

And these dreams fucking hurt. These dreams mainly focus on my childhood trauma, most of the time it's a reoccurring dream that I was stuck repeatedly having at an almost nightly pace in my adolescence and as if nothing has changed, night after night I remain awake and scared to jump back into the nightmare.

Like I have had the same experience so many why can't I just stop from thinking or dreaming about it. Why is it that randomly I have the courage to deal and a more common scenario is me crying silently to myself or even just thinking that ultimately puts me in that position again. Night...