I am a woman. I am ripe. I an duly endowed with gifts that I am keeping for the man in my future.

I am a woman. I am young. I do not know what destiny has in store for me or what fate has planned for me. I just have faith and I believe it will keep me going when the storm drops by.

I am a woman. I am fatherless. Having lost my father, I only have my mother and we are poor, with nowhere to go to, no one to turn to.

I am a woman. I have dreams and aspirations but with no support, I have woken up to reality. Being poor is painful, being poor with no hope is worse.

I am a woman. I have a sick mother and since she can't work, I have decided to take charge and bring food to the table, remembering that my mother is the only one I have now.

I am a woman. I have tried out several jobs, I have been fired from countless jobs but I am still looking.

I am a woman. I have ran out of options and mum is becoming worse. I sit down in pain and I cry. I cry out the burden, I drown out the pain.

I am a woman. I have a friend, she has an advice. I am against it but with no more money, mum dying little by little, I am left with no objection. I take on the job.

I am a woman. My body is the temple of the Most High used by men who are high. I have few customers now with a little cash I have begun saving.

I am a woman. I rest at day and work at night. I am no vampire nor an owl but work descriptions I have to obey. I have bills to pay, this job is the only way.

I am a woman. I have lost my dignity. I am ashamed of myself but as I said I have bills to pay, shame won't pay the bills. I can't be stupid that much. I must use what I have to get what I want.

I am a woman. However, attached to that, I am a stripper, harlot, prostitute, disgrace, slut, whore, daddy's pet, cocksucker, a person of no integrity, etc. I am immune to them at that point but as time drags on and I am alone, I feel more immense pain, I want to cry because I am so lonely, it hurts.

I am a woman. I have been condemned by my family, friends, community, society. I no longer participate in gender equality because my own gender do not equalize me. When I go to any occasion, I am asked to sit down because my line of work makes me unfit to be proudly called a woman.

I am a woman. I just lost my mother. Suddenly life has no meaning to me. Society is disgusted when I am present. My own mother, before she left, looked at me with disappointment and shame. Men have no regards for me because they have seen all of me, especially the parts of my body that they are not meant to see. My pride, they have trampled. My dignity, they have mocked. When I look at the world, I feel let down. So, I feel there is no need staying. I feel is time to go join my father and probably my mother. A happy reunion in the afterlife.

I am a woman. I am standing on a rooftop. I am wearing my most comfortable clothes. I feel suicidal and I understand why. I want to go, fall down from this highest place and end it all. No one will remember me though, I did not make any impact, I mean I was not allowed to. When I look at the world from this point, it looks busy, it looks like the billion people occupied in the world are making a difference. It makes you question your purpose in life, "did you do what you were meant to", "did you make use of your time wisely", did you, did you, did you? It makes you feel so small and inconsequential especially if you have felt like that for the past few years of your life.

I am a woman. I must say, I am very beautiful, that was why I was very successful in my line of work. However, as I stand here today, on this rooftop, I look below and know beauty is not all it takes to be happy in this life. At times, your beauty is the reason for your pain. I am meaningless and with nothing but sorrow in my heart, I want to end it all. I remember the gossips, the whispers when I enter a place, the social distancing towards me like I have covid, the nicknames I have been given, the men who beat me for pleasure, the men I have to endure because when I behave well, I am paid well. I remember the endless vomits after each night of working. I remember the tears I have spilled even when working. I remember the insane requests certain men make to get pleasured. I remember the endless condoms and birth control pills. I remember how I felt so dirty, I stopped going to church. I remember the several moments I looked at poisons like they were the answer to stop my misery. I remember, I remember, I remember.

I am a woman. I have been working as a prostitute for years. I have felt dead for years. I have been sad for years. However, as I stand here, willing to take my life, wearing my best cloth, I feel happy. I feel happy that I am about to leave this world. I feel happy that I have survived all these years. I am not taking my life because I am weak but because I am strong, a strong survivor. I don't want to stay here, I have no reason to. Mother is dead, everyone around me wants me dead and even myself wants me dead. I endured all this pain so I am a survivor, not a weakling.

I am a woman. I am ready to fall. After dwelling so long on this life I lived, I feel this is the best closure I can give myself. As I take the first step, I think about my father. The second step, I think about my naive, young self. With the last step, I think about what my father must have thought before he died, what he must have thought when in the afterlife, he saw his only child strip partially naked, to stroke a pole, earn a man's attention, get fully naked, pleasure the man nonstop to make money she will use and eat, bath, pay rent, buy clothes and most importantly, take care of her sick mother. I wonder what he felt when he saw all those things and had no power to stop it because he was no longer in the land of the living. I think about what he thinks now I am coming to join him and mother in the afterlife.

I am a woman. I just fell to my death and the final thing I thought is how I wish society understands how helpless most girls are when they decide to go through my line of work. As I hit the ground, blood gushing out from my head, I pray for God to accept my soul in heaven, I pray that he forgives me for the line of work I was involved in, I pray he gives me peace now I am dead because it was the only thing I always wished for while alive.

I am a woman. With the police sirens surrounding me, and the commotion caused by my falling, I hear the noises, smile, close my eyes and drift off to the afterlife. I have lived and now I am done living.

© Ifeamareme Uchechi Favour

#pain #deathispeace #loneliness #afterlife #suicide #survivor #inspirational #emotions #womanempowerment