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Religion and Faith From"Broken Men walking tall"
For a long while in my life,I have really questioned,what Christianity is.
The most important question had been between faith and reality.
Sexual Sin,it was here,I saw people err, and because me myself was constantly violated in the pretext of a relationship,I began to question if christian values were really something that can be achieved or just rules that people try to obey but fail always.
"Just let me have sex with you, just a little"my supposedly christian boyfriend pleaded,in a scantily furnished room with a bed on the floor and a reading table.
Then he would proceed to dry hump me through my clothes, through every ordeal I knew even though it was not intercourse,my hymen was still intact but yet I knew it was wrong.
But I just didn't have the will to end it.
"All Men are the same,sex is important,at least he did not try to rape me"so my little self said
He was a good guy
"I don't want to make you do what you don't want to do,it will be sexual abuse"
"I don't want to destroy your life"he said
But as I left the room,even though with intact hymen,I knew virtue had left me.I felt belittled taken advantage of, but at least my hymen was still intact.
"I don't want to continue in this relationship"I would say provoked at myself,beating myself up for staying alone with a boy.
Then the cycle would continue for the next three years, break up,plead with me,get back promise not to dry hump me,molest me,fail and beg.
I really began to question myself,but as I got older and began experiencing sexual urges,I slowly turned to pornography,so bound to pornography,I would spend hours of the morning viewing it.
It sapped into my soul chewing up the last remanant of innocence in me,now I knew sex was pleasure, people moaned, people scream,it was ridiculous,I too began to crave Sex, but I was a Christian therefore I would retain my hymen till marriage.
Towards the end of college,I was now ready to be a wife,at least I felt I was,why wouldn't I,I had baged a degree,I could get a job.Have kids and have sex.This here was my reality.
The boy whom I could boyfriend had left college and had lost his virginity at 26,he was with me but he was cheating.The urges were so much,the temptation too much to resist, and he gave me a pass to begin to date other people.
why wouldn't he,he had a live in lover,she was purely for sex,and she knew he had a girlfriend,me.
When I met an older guy,who claimed to be a Christian,I thought he would be very responsible,but I had met worse, without my consent,he would lure me into his bedroom under the pretext of helping with the cleaning and because he was bigger and older take advantage of me.
It was so ridiculous that the first time,I had Sexual intercourse,I didn't know I did,I thought it was just foul play.I lost my virginity without knowing it.Perhaps it was not deep enough for me to have felt it.
But when he told me,we just had sex.I wouldn't believe it,it was not like the pornography,it lasted for seconds.He must be bluffing I quickly told myself.
So I stayed away from secluded places with him,but Even in the dark in the public eye,he would dry hump me.When the relationship finally ended after a failed marriage attempt because my soul and spirit finally separated July 16th on his 33rd birthday, with obvious force,he took advantage of me, and tore the remnant of whatever hymen was left from a year before.It was the darkest period of my life,I thought my parents marriage ending broke me but after what I guarded myself by was destroyed, the only thing in the world I felt was mine was taken,my Soul separated from my body and I would go to be numb for years,the only thing I could feel was the guilt that I allowed myself to be sexually abused and from that day my life went downhills.
Now I had nothing,I didn't know where to turn, sitting in my pool of misery,I met the father of my Son years down the line.
He swung in quickly like a hero everything went pretty fast, he had come to pick a wife and build a family.
He picked me
"he picked a broken 21 year old, nothing had prepared me for the humiliation and the pain I would feel when my father suddenly left, nothing prepared me that I would give out the only thing I had to offer, without my consent and knowledge, nothing prepared to offer the Man who would make me wife just my education and my virginity,but it had been carelessly stolen from me.I was a completely broken person,my soul and body had separated,I was breaking down paranoid from my past experiences, distrustful and hateful but I hid it in silence, isolation,acting out anger and lack of courage.
But who is to blame?
The Adult who took advantage of a teenager,or the teenager who was careless?
Now I look back at before,they say fornication is a sin, and therefore many believe that God would forgive them like any other sin,but I beg to differ the concept of our modern day Christianity and what we teach our children.
For when we say it's a sin to have premarital sex,we are indirectly saying God would be mad at you,if you let someone take advantage of you.But that is not the truth.Rather than teach children religion I would rather teach the next generation the concept of Good and Evil as in the beginning.
With whatever value I had left I married my Ex-husband,at first he was sweet, very understanding, open minded, patient and in love with me,but just yet again that phase soon passed and he became the exact opposite ,it did not help that my family didn't accept our marriage,which we did secretly.I felt worthless,so I had to constantly voice out my worth in an argumentative manner,strive to always be right, be in control,it was all to hide the real pain that was going on inside from unmedicated wounds.I love him when he didn't make me feel worthless, but when he did,I took the hate I had on my rapist and poured it on him in an episode of rage.Slowly he withdrew and our relationship became one with all the obvious red flags and it was only good when we had Sex.
But he too had his brokenness,he was heart broken,he was so broken he had travelled through the Atlantic ocean to pick a wife.But with what he saw his interest dwindled,he saw a bitter little girl just like him, just like the women who he escaped from marrying at home.
He had dated a woman,who had cheated on him, and he had loved her,now he would never fall in love unguarded to him now, every woman was a bitch.His father and Mother had separated when he was 4,he blamed his mom,she was the one who left, and married another and forced to call his step father "Dad"
The confusion of his childhood solidified after his heart break and he too became a pillar of stone, nothing could teach him to treat a woman, especially the women that challenged men, like his mom challenged his dad and his ex girlfriend cheated on him.
#SAY NO TO NONCONSENUAL SEX
#NON CONSEXUAL SEX IS RAPE
#SAY NO TO RAPE
The most important question had been between faith and reality.
Sexual Sin,it was here,I saw people err, and because me myself was constantly violated in the pretext of a relationship,I began to question if christian values were really something that can be achieved or just rules that people try to obey but fail always.
"Just let me have sex with you, just a little"my supposedly christian boyfriend pleaded,in a scantily furnished room with a bed on the floor and a reading table.
Then he would proceed to dry hump me through my clothes, through every ordeal I knew even though it was not intercourse,my hymen was still intact but yet I knew it was wrong.
But I just didn't have the will to end it.
"All Men are the same,sex is important,at least he did not try to rape me"so my little self said
He was a good guy
"I don't want to make you do what you don't want to do,it will be sexual abuse"
"I don't want to destroy your life"he said
But as I left the room,even though with intact hymen,I knew virtue had left me.I felt belittled taken advantage of, but at least my hymen was still intact.
"I don't want to continue in this relationship"I would say provoked at myself,beating myself up for staying alone with a boy.
Then the cycle would continue for the next three years, break up,plead with me,get back promise not to dry hump me,molest me,fail and beg.
I really began to question myself,but as I got older and began experiencing sexual urges,I slowly turned to pornography,so bound to pornography,I would spend hours of the morning viewing it.
It sapped into my soul chewing up the last remanant of innocence in me,now I knew sex was pleasure, people moaned, people scream,it was ridiculous,I too began to crave Sex, but I was a Christian therefore I would retain my hymen till marriage.
Towards the end of college,I was now ready to be a wife,at least I felt I was,why wouldn't I,I had baged a degree,I could get a job.Have kids and have sex.This here was my reality.
The boy whom I could boyfriend had left college and had lost his virginity at 26,he was with me but he was cheating.The urges were so much,the temptation too much to resist, and he gave me a pass to begin to date other people.
why wouldn't he,he had a live in lover,she was purely for sex,and she knew he had a girlfriend,me.
When I met an older guy,who claimed to be a Christian,I thought he would be very responsible,but I had met worse, without my consent,he would lure me into his bedroom under the pretext of helping with the cleaning and because he was bigger and older take advantage of me.
It was so ridiculous that the first time,I had Sexual intercourse,I didn't know I did,I thought it was just foul play.I lost my virginity without knowing it.Perhaps it was not deep enough for me to have felt it.
But when he told me,we just had sex.I wouldn't believe it,it was not like the pornography,it lasted for seconds.He must be bluffing I quickly told myself.
So I stayed away from secluded places with him,but Even in the dark in the public eye,he would dry hump me.When the relationship finally ended after a failed marriage attempt because my soul and spirit finally separated July 16th on his 33rd birthday, with obvious force,he took advantage of me, and tore the remnant of whatever hymen was left from a year before.It was the darkest period of my life,I thought my parents marriage ending broke me but after what I guarded myself by was destroyed, the only thing in the world I felt was mine was taken,my Soul separated from my body and I would go to be numb for years,the only thing I could feel was the guilt that I allowed myself to be sexually abused and from that day my life went downhills.
Now I had nothing,I didn't know where to turn, sitting in my pool of misery,I met the father of my Son years down the line.
He swung in quickly like a hero everything went pretty fast, he had come to pick a wife and build a family.
He picked me
"he picked a broken 21 year old, nothing had prepared me for the humiliation and the pain I would feel when my father suddenly left, nothing prepared me that I would give out the only thing I had to offer, without my consent and knowledge, nothing prepared to offer the Man who would make me wife just my education and my virginity,but it had been carelessly stolen from me.I was a completely broken person,my soul and body had separated,I was breaking down paranoid from my past experiences, distrustful and hateful but I hid it in silence, isolation,acting out anger and lack of courage.
But who is to blame?
The Adult who took advantage of a teenager,or the teenager who was careless?
Now I look back at before,they say fornication is a sin, and therefore many believe that God would forgive them like any other sin,but I beg to differ the concept of our modern day Christianity and what we teach our children.
For when we say it's a sin to have premarital sex,we are indirectly saying God would be mad at you,if you let someone take advantage of you.But that is not the truth.Rather than teach children religion I would rather teach the next generation the concept of Good and Evil as in the beginning.
With whatever value I had left I married my Ex-husband,at first he was sweet, very understanding, open minded, patient and in love with me,but just yet again that phase soon passed and he became the exact opposite ,it did not help that my family didn't accept our marriage,which we did secretly.I felt worthless,so I had to constantly voice out my worth in an argumentative manner,strive to always be right, be in control,it was all to hide the real pain that was going on inside from unmedicated wounds.I love him when he didn't make me feel worthless, but when he did,I took the hate I had on my rapist and poured it on him in an episode of rage.Slowly he withdrew and our relationship became one with all the obvious red flags and it was only good when we had Sex.
But he too had his brokenness,he was heart broken,he was so broken he had travelled through the Atlantic ocean to pick a wife.But with what he saw his interest dwindled,he saw a bitter little girl just like him, just like the women who he escaped from marrying at home.
He had dated a woman,who had cheated on him, and he had loved her,now he would never fall in love unguarded to him now, every woman was a bitch.His father and Mother had separated when he was 4,he blamed his mom,she was the one who left, and married another and forced to call his step father "Dad"
The confusion of his childhood solidified after his heart break and he too became a pillar of stone, nothing could teach him to treat a woman, especially the women that challenged men, like his mom challenged his dad and his ex girlfriend cheated on him.
#SAY NO TO NONCONSENUAL SEX
#NON CONSEXUAL SEX IS RAPE
#SAY NO TO RAPE
