|This is a story about Ada and her blog posts about the way she misses Railey, the love that she has lost.|

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I still remember the last time that we met. It was at the park where we used to camp. The park that holds most of my memories of you.

It was the last summer that we shared together. You were holding that big duffel bag behind you, and wearing a huge grin on your face.

Do you remember how much I wanted to come with you that day? If only I didn't have summer classes, I would have really begged you to take me with you. Because my summer would only be complete if I spend it together with you.

And I remember how you said that you would miss me. And how you promised you would be back soon. But that promise... you never kept that promise.

There was a hole in my heart the day you left. I knew that I would miss you but it was more than that. And I bore in my mind your smiling face as you waved goodbye so that I'd have something to remember about you before your return.

So that summer, without you, I did everything that you used to do. That was how much I missed you. I tried to learn the game you used to play on your phone, that even now, I never understood. And I bought lots of gummy bears that you loved so much, which I only kept in my pockets. Or sometimes, I take them out just to stare at them when I couldn't bear the thought of missing you.

And I tried to fly a kite in the park, but I still failed to keep it afloat in the sky like you do. And I watched a film by myself at night, but it was not as fun as when I was watching them with you.

And I realized how much I missed you. That I couldn't do anything without you. That nothing that I do will be as much fun as doing them with you.

And I would feel that scratching feeling in my chest all throughout the time that you were gone. But I never understood what it meant.

I never understood it... until you were gone. For the rest of my life.

And I remembered the day you said goodbye, that I never knew would be forever. And the scratching feeling turned to burning, as if my chest was lit by fire.

That day, why didn't I realize that I love you? Why haven't I been able to tell you how I feel? How did I not have known that it was love? When all the while, my heart had always been filled with butterflies when you're around.

If I had insisted on coming with you, will you not have left me forever? Will it have changed everything? Will you have been here beside me now, giving in to my requests like you used to?

And if I had told you I love you, will you have said you love me, too? Because if there was one thing I regret the most, it was that I learned too late that it was love for me to tell you how I feel. That I never knew how I meant to you back then, and I forever never will.

And all these years, I wonder what could have been. If I have learned sooner the meaning of you in my life.

And all the more I would miss you, because I know what I have missed. The chance to see your expression when I tell you I love you. The chance to know if you also felt the same. The chance to know how it feels to be loved by you. The what ifs that I missed everyday since you've been gone.

People tell me to move on from the memories of you. That no one could save me if I drowned myself from missing you.

But how could I stop missing you, Rai? How could I, when I know how much I've missed?




© nabinara