Her words cut so deep. It doesn't matter what she says. It doesn't matter if she's trying to look out for me or drive me crazy. She has cut so deep so many times that no matter what, she hurts me. I feel my eyes swell up with tears and my heart beat faster. I feel my body shake and fight off my anxiety. I feel trapped in a room too small for me. No way out, I have to stay put. She can't keep me forever though, and I've vowed to count down the days until I can run away. Will it help? No. I'll still hurt. I'll still cry at night about my broken family and how I feel like I have nothing and no one. It'll be better in the sense that I don't have to deal with her, the adjustment will just be hard though because I don't like change. I've been tossed around too much. Had to live out of a duffle bag too many times. All I've ever wanted was to have a place that felt like home. A place where I could keep my things and stay. A place where I felt like I belonged. I've been chasing that feeling since I was a little girl. Telling you this is hard but I feel better when it's out. Talking to no one and yet I feel like I have an audience. A huge family and yet I have no one. It'll always be an every man for themselves kind of world. I've tried to keep myself together for so long. Bottle up my hurt feelings and place them in a cellar with the door labeled DO NOT ENTER. I will forever be the only one who will understand what I'm going through and I still can't accept that. I've always dreamt of someone who would come into my life and care so much. Someone who would understand and fix everything. Someone who would make me feel loved. I think I'm supposed to be that person but I can't. I've glued myself together enough times to know that I can't do it all by myself forever. I'm broken. I want someone to sweep me off my feet and take me away from everything. Away from my pain and fear. I have a fear of being alone that haunts me. I've only ever wanted someone to love me the way I've always wanted to love someone. So much passion. I want to love someone and give it all. Love is a bet and I want to win, all chips on the table. I would do anything for my love. Give it all up if I had to. I want a forever and always. But in reality you can never know what's meant to be. You can never know who's going to stay. I want to be stronger. I want it all to not matter so much, but I can't help it. Even the strongest glass will shatter if it has enough cracks in it. I wish the cracks would heal but they'll always be there. You can't uncrack glass, and you can't undo the damage that has been done. Because of her I will always be insecure. Always feel like I don't belong. I will always have pain. I will never be able to love her like I used to, like I should. It kills me but I can't change that. There will always be a wall of untrust between us and I want to remind her that she laid the first brick. I'm too stubborn to break. I'll always be scared of her and her male companion, and panic when I hear yelling. I will live with triggers that can set me into an emotional storm because of them. I'll never feel any emotion from her “I love you”. I'll never get an apology for all the abuse and heartache. She will never understand what she has done. I used to be able to feel love between us. That love has been lost, and I'm sorry to say forever. It'll never be the same. There will forever be a cold breeze followed by pain between us. I will never forget what's been done, how she's hurt me. I will forever see her as a threat. I will never trust to put my guard down. One day I will be a veteran. A veteran from the cold war I've fought with her. Endless and painful, my scars add up. War is never pretty and there's always death. The death in our war was our relationship and trust. I promised myself years ago that I'd escape when I was able. I'm ready and waiting. Feet planted in the ground and ready to run. Once I hear that whistle, once my day comes I'll take off running and never look back.
© JennaMay