My daughter was kidnapped illegally by a man sworn to protect and serve and we became victims of harrassment of CPS for no reason other than falsified accusations they would never be able to prove were true but still after getting her back I was harassed by cps, police, and her school because of him because of his power he abused they proceeded to illegaly remove my daughter from me forever because of it. being harassed by someone connected to law enforcement and being a single working mother still making minimum wage living in section 8 with no family to help financially would make me powerless to stop it.

I wanted to die.... for years the hurt was unbearable. It took me to the bottom of any bottom but I couldn't keep living like that. I needed to change, for my daughter but also myself.

But , I had to accept that i would only be a non-custodial Mother from a distance and I had to be okay with it!

I never thought 4 years ago that my life would be turned upside down and that I would have my (almost)6 year old daughter ripped from me multiple times and ultimately put in foster care. Then to battle for years to retain custody her asking me every visit when she was coming home I would tell her soon baby soon... i was so wrong, I couldnt keep my word of being able to give her the only thing she wanted so bad, to come home and be around her grandparents. I was forced by cps falsely making up a lie saying if I didnt sign her over they would put a restraining order on my child and I, and I would never see her again. I figured if they could take her away from me for no reason they could definitely keep her from me forever. Heartbroken and hopeless, I would sign in blood that I had to give my little girl that I gave birth too, raised, and loved with all my heart to mere strangers and give up all my rights.

I was destructive the first few years without my daughter. Please do not take lightly my mental state I was in. Suicide was a lingering thought I battled daily. To feel like you didnt want to exist because the pain was suffocating.

This Is something I wrote during those times of terrible sadness.

"Nobody will ever know true loss until you've found yourself collapsed to your knees from weakness, suffocating like smoked replaced air, a burning hurt consuming your whole body like ravishing flames. All you can do is scream, crying and begging and pleadin to god to just combust you to mere ashes like nonexistence was the only way out of the pain you felt. "

Not only did I have extreme ptsd from the trauma I had been put through from cps for months before she was ripped from me but I also had to watch as my little girl ripped from me no goodbye, cops throwing me up against a wall right in front of her as they sweeped out with her, not letting me see her for a month, then 2 visits a week for 2 hours for 2 1/2 years. To 3 visits a year after forcing me to sign adoption paper work. She grew farther and farther a away from me to where I dont even know that little girl I gave life too. On top of addiction after addiction just trying to cope. Gambling, drugs, toxic relationships etc. Not accepting that people that are strangers to me are now my replacement. After 2 1/2 years of 2 visits a week with my daughter. To only seeing her 3 times a year and once in awhile video calls. Those court ordered visits ending was the hardest on me. Atleast seeing her weekly kept me sane and I mostly stayed out of trouble. I made it life or death getting to my visits, I made sure I got to everyone homeless etc I got there. But once they ended I didnt know what day or time it was, I grew feral and spun out of control. Atleast I felt like I played a part in her life when I had weekly visits then... i felt as if I was a distance aunt she saw some holidays and i lost myself.. growing cold and detached from reality


When People I knew I would run into once in awhile. When people would ask about her sometimes I would say good and change the convo. I even thought about lying, like saying shes with her grandparents visiting etc because I hated feeling like I was a terrible mother cause i said she was taken from me, so I felt the need to explain myself which affected me constantly because to tell someone my story not only would force me to relive what I had endured. Especially to people I was just getting to know too. To go through it over and over to people that didnt really care most times anyways they probably would just think I was lying because the nature and unfairness of it and just assume whatever they wanted to think of me regardless of the truth or not. But the few people I did trust enough to tell, helped me let out some internal hurt.

One coping mechanism that really helped me was I would write in a journal/online journal to my daughter when I missed her or wanted to tell her something I remembered but didnt want to forget. This helps out alot especially if you dont have any way to contact your little ones. Everyday, almost every second shes on my mind. Everything I see reminds me of her. It's a normal thing tearing up once or twice a day remembering past moments. I try to write them down so I can share them to her.

I had to quit feeling so sorry for myself. I realized she had been through way more hurt and loss than me, she wont give up and I cant either. One day, shell be old enough to make the decision to come home and I want to be ready when the day comes.

I knew I had to try to figure out a way I could be in her life more. I knew it was important to her, and it was the only way I felt like I could stay alive without losing my mind. But I wanted to be respectful and not cross the line for her adoptive parents.

I knew they would never go for me buying her a phone... and since I couldn't visit her at school... I started coming up with other solutions...

I had found out about this toy, a toy talkie where you could send and receive audio messages to your child from your phone to a stuffed animal and she can send ones back. I was so excited when I had bought it for a Christmas present. I thought that it would solve my heartache and yearning to feel like I was still apart of her life.

But when it came to xmas and I had asked them if they had figured out how to use it... they said it didnt work... I dont know if it was the truth or if it was cause they didnt want that communication.

I felt devastated.


So I will admit. That made me grow distant for some time feeling hopeless. But, when I would get to see her again it would snap me out of it and still strive to find a way to reach her.

I would spoil her with any many gifts as I could get. At our weekly visits little things everytime but Christmas and birthday. I go all out. It made me feel good. Cause alteast when she was at home she had a reminder of how much I loved her. I will admit. The few times I was able to visit her lovely home, as I sat in her room I could see me from wall to wall from decorations and over flowing toy boxes, closest and under her bed. It was the only control I had. Then when it came around to xmas again her being 10 years old now. Her adoptive mom told me that I could only bring 5 gifts because her room was too full already and that marley gets overwhelmed getting so many toys. it really upset me. I was extremely hurt and felt like it was mean to expect that from me. Especially cause it was right before xmas and I had already bought alot already. I felt like I already had all control taken away so now i cant even spoil her? After I had a good cry sesh, I did alot of thinking and realised where she was coming from. I know she probably doesn't like getting rid of things I get her and its overwhelming having so much toys to clean up. I tried to definitely be mindful of the amount of gifts this last Christmas though and be respectful. It still was more then 5 but I made sure it was ideal.

I half contemplated just showing up to there church (they are pastors at a church) and attending every Sunday... and still to this day I still wonder if I should but I just have always felt uneasy on If it would be crossing the line...so I still haven't, yet.


I made it mandatory tradition that every valentine's and Easter (holidays I didnt get to spend with her) that I would drop off gifts at her doorstep in the middle of the night. They adopted parents were okay with it, and to make things easier I would also leave gifts for the other girl they adopted around my daughters age too So it was fair and no problems created. This was my way of being apart of her life and letting her know mommy is still there and I love her. I will admit, looking up at her window at her nice suburban home, wishing I could hug her and kiss her forehead as she slept in her dinosaur themed room. It felt comforting knowing where she was at atleast. But, I will admit everytime I had to leave I was bawling my eyes out in the car on the way home.

Then once In awhile, they would let her msg me on Facebook messager kids. I was so excited at first thinking this could be a regular thing... but again, another dead end...

One Thing that is important is consistency, please please I cannot stress enough that you always keep your word and always repeat traditions never missing one for your child's sake. I couldn't imagine my daughter wondering why I missed droping off valentine's gifts. Even if you cant drop of gifts, ask to be mailed, or even just mail a card. Your child just wants to know your there and reminder that you love them. It doesn't take much. Or if you have no contact, then write it in there journal for them you started. I know it doesnt stop the pain and hurt but its atleast something to do to ease things and let out.

I make sure to ask them to call also on those holidays too. Also on Thanksgiving, mothers day, and my birthday. Those are the only times I get to contact her... sometimes I get suprised in summer time too a few times with a random Facebook video call.

Then one day, when I was video calling her, she had mentioned she played a game called roblox on her tablet. I had asked her questions about it and she said it was online and that I could maybe make a account and play with her. I immediately jumped on it and made one. Fir about a year between her changing accounts, having reliable wifi and phone etc and figuring out how to actually message her. Now I can msg her and let her know every day i love and miss her and get to play games with her. That's all I've been dreaming for the last 4years especially the last 2 with barely any contact since adoption.

Never ever give up hope. Your children's need you to stay strong. You gotta just figure out clever ways to constantly be apart of there life. Or if you have no way to contact them, journal to them save it for when they are old enough and want to know how much you love and missed them. Find healthy coping skills like poetry, writing, drawing , hiking, finding rocks, etc. better yourself so one day they will find you and can look up to you and have you in there life. You are and will always be there parent. Noone can take that from you. You just have to never give up and I know sometimes you can fall off track, trust me I have too. But get right back on. You can still make a influence in there life and it is never too late to start working towards being a better parent for when they will come looking for you.

My daughter is now 10 and I will say that your emptiness and heartache will never go away. But, it will get easier over time and if you find way for healthy coping instead of addictions that push you further away, you will one day find yourself in a better mental state and content.

I am hopeful for my future and cannot wait to be apart of her everyday life when its time.... and for now still coming up with creative ways to still be apart of her life.

Thank you for reading.

link to the video of my daughter being kidnapped illegally.

youtu.be/np3cD743Prw.

#cps #adoption #harrasment #abuse #kidnapped #acceptance #loss #daughter #mother #creative #distantmother #lovelife #policeharassment #nevergiveup #imissyou #unbreakablebond