You paid for the ticket, so I hope you enjoy the ride. God knows I did. God also
knows I didn’t. To be quite honest, the last four years of my life have been an
absolute shit show. A proverbial bare knuckle boxing match with my demons, and
others’ demons as well. I got knocked around, I got knocked down, I got down
and dirty, and I got back up, time and time again. One thing I’ve never done, was
give up on myself, or give up loving myself. Most importantly, I found my way
back home, to the ones who never gave up on me, and never stopped loving me.
My daughter, my parents, my brothers, my grandmother, my relatives, they all
stood staunchly at my side. Even at my most desperate of hours, when I thought I
had no one, or nothing, I had everything I needed. I just didn’t know it. What I
had was their hopes, their thoughts, and their prayers. Something else I had,
which I now hold as the most invaluable key to my continued recovery and
sobriety, is I had their undying, unconditional, and tough-as-a-bare-knuckle-boxer
fighting a stadium full of demons’ tough love.

Through these pages, I hope to relay a message of hope and inspiration to anyone
who is battling their own destructive demons. Whether it be a battle with
alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, eating, not eating, shopping, or just spending
money. It doesn’t matter to me. Addiction is addiction is addiction. The only way
to beat addiction, that I know of, is to beat whatever addiction you have to a bloody mess, while you are beaten to an even worse bloody mess. What you get
to do though, that your addiction doesn’t (and this is the best part), is you get to
climb up from where you lay physically, emotionally and mentally beaten. You
then get to walk over to where your addictions lie, and you get to scream from
the top of your lungs, “FUCK YOU! I’M FINALLY GOING TO BEAT YOU AT YOUR
OWN GAME!” With that, you get to deliver the final knock-out blow. It feels
amazing too! This can only happen though, when YOU THE ADDICT are ready to
win this fight. It cannot come from anyone else’s hopes, thoughts, or prayers. It
can only come from the deepest part of your broken down, down to the very
bottom, you couldn’t dig any deeper even if you tried, soul. I can promise you,
when you are ready, and the day WILL come when you are ready, starting a new
way of life, a new way of thinking and a new way of living will come more
naturally to you than you could ever imagine. I mean give yourself some credit,
you are your own best ally when you want to be. If I may play devil’s advocate for
a moment, you’ve been your own worst enemy for how long now? Get back to fighting for yourself and your happiness, instead of fighting yourself and making your life miserable. I know how long I've been my own worst enemy, and it’s been way too long. I’m tired of being a self-saboteur in wolf’s clothes. I’m tired of the Jekyll and Hyde act where I build up a beautiful life worth living and enjoying, just to watch myself tear it all down in a blaze of glory, where I am literally the only one glorifying it. Everyone else is just watching me set blaze to my life, shaking their heads in disbelief, and asking each other “Who the hell gave this moron the gasoline and matches this time?” Meanwhile I’m just dancing around the fire like an arsonist screaming “Burn Mother Fucker Burn, We Don’t Need No Water, Let the Mother Fucker Burn!” I’m ready to be a leader in sheep’s
clothing. I’m ready to lead through example on living a better life, without living the boring life of sheep, or shep. Odd, is there a singular word for sheep? Or is the singular and plural for sheep, just sheep. I think I’ll sleep on it while counting sheep. My enigmatic sense of humor strikes again. Get used to it, like I said,
you paid for the ticket, so I hope you enjoy the ride.
© JML - Still a Work in Progress