AARIFA POV
Aarifa’s bereaved soul rested in the attic for days. She thought winter was the worst following the incident on the lane across her house but that spring followed the darkness. The broken glass window greeted in the chilling heartless breeze that showed no mercy killing her skin cells remembering her of her beloved mother Rosie who said cold goodbyes and disappeared in thin air, nowhere to be found ever again. It was well established now in heart that her mother was a witch.
Being a teenager and only child, she struggled to gain confidence in her mother. Rosie loved Tessa more than she ever did her. However, she had invested so much, trying to get mother’s attention and even befriended Tessa at early age just so she would get to see her mother more. Being naughty and chaotic was something that she adapted seeking attention that she lacked at home. Martian and Rosie were mostly unavailable for her since she was ten.
With defence class and Tessa’s interest in microbiology, Tessa spent a lot of time with Rosie. The lioness shaped Tessa into a more organised human like herself that she never could do with Aarifa. She didn’t call her mother lioness out of nowhere. She was proud of her mother for everything she did for women empowerment. Although, she failed at being there for Aarifa when she needed her mother.
Aarifa looked at the rising sun breaching the fog in the day and braking dog in the moonlight. She had never seen this side of Manali before which was dark and terrifying. In the night silence covered the horizon and she heard agony inside her louder than ever. Three person she really cared about in her life—Rosie, Tessa and Amir, weren’t with her anymore. Her father, Martian, barely talked about anything. He carried his own burden. She usually saw him struggling to cook food for which she felt bad to leave it untouched.
She once in a while looked at the lane where Eva was killed. That was no longer just a lane she would take to my school or Tessa’s house. Sometimes when she gazed out, she saw her standing there on the lane in that yellow raincoat, staring at her. The way she scowled at her; the grief engulfed her tearing her inside out. Months had passed since that incident on the lane which killed Eva last December and sent Tessa in coma.
The rain had cleaned the road and police and media had deserted the lane long ago, clearing off any physical evidence of atrocity that happened that night. The world had moved on; once face of media, Eva, forgotten. Newspapers would change Eva’s face with some other girl once in a while, from cities, villages, even the worst possible places. She was supposed to move on, too and she was getting over it. Only then, she lost Rosie.
All of this started with Eva in a sense. She was root of all of the curiosity inside Aarifa about homosexuality. The changing openness about sexuality had its demerits for teenagers like her. She had no complaints about it that people were finally accepting homosexuality, even in country like India but it set both hers and Eva’s doom. She desperately tried to find what she couldn’t get at home.
For a teenage girl like Aarifa, it had become an obscure tradition to come out as gay. She never wanted to do that. She had seen girls do that just for fame but it was an egregious slap on faces of person who were truly gay. It was hard for her to find a boy who would truly love her. She had thought of this before, to find a girl, for they seemed more sensitive to her. But all this time at school, she had put a mask on, hiding all her insecurities under bullying attitude. Those smiling faces she would see at school were in fact cursing her from inside.
Aarifa was completely against impersonating as gay but that November after Diwali break, a storm came in her life. When Eva came back to school after vacation, she was totally a different person. She met a girl named Elizabeth on the break. As far as Aarifa knew, Eva was lonelier than her before this, a sole reason for to feel some relief in her life, a mare reason to believe she wasn’t the only one who wasn’t loved.
“So, you are into girls now?” Asked Aarifa to Eva, on a strange day at school.
“Not really. I am just figuring out what I like.” Eva replied, gesturing at a boy in the corridor.
“Is that really necessary? You have been checking out that boy. You are probably into boys.” Aarifa was confused. It bothered her that Eva no longer left alone like her. She felt lonelier than before.
“Let me tell you something. The time have changed. We can like what we want. Yeah, I think that I like boys but how can I be sure if I don’t have taste of both girls and boys. It’s good to make some foolish mistakes than regret and live a sad romance-less life. I understand that I might actually like boys but there is fifty percentage chance that I might like girls.” Her voice was talking to Aarifa but other parts of her body were engaged in that boy.
“Don’t you think, if you liked girls, you would know it. Look at Tessa. She knew it always.” For some strange internal reasons, Aarifa hated Elizabeth without knowing her.
“It’s up to you, bruh. I did what I thought was right for me. I am gonna go talk to that boy now. Peace out!” She said and moved to the boy eyeing at her.
In a perspective, what Eva thought was right. What if Aarifa was truly gay? she had never been with a girl so how could she surely say that she was heterosexual? That got her worried. What if she didn’t like the partner she chose in my life? She would live an unhappy life like her parents, though their reasons were different. Even if she wanted to try out a girl, no one would go out with her. She could make anyone but that didn’t seem right.
The girls did everything Aarifa wanted in school, not because they liked her but out of fear of fame she possessed in school that came with invisible power. Everyone feared her and she didn’t want to start her try out relationship by forcing someone. That would be hurting a whole community who had suffered enough. She wished there was a girl who didn’t know her real self. She was thinking over this in the corridor when a girl walked in the corridor, with a classic smile on her face. Alicia Alvaro. The new girl.
Aarifa had never seen that tall girl except Tessa in the school. The black curly hairs and her ‘irresistible to not look at’ smiling face could make anyone jealous of her. Her fitting jeans judged everyone, as she walked closer to Aarifa crossing the girls and boys staring at her.
After two days, when Aarifa had done background check on her and had all of dirt on her, she approached her in bathroom. Getting under her skin was easier than she thought. Alicia’s mom was a Brazilian ambassador and she had to change school a lot. She didn’t have any long-term friend. she had no one except her mother who wasn’t much around, something that reminded Aarifa of herself.
For her loneliness and desperate need for someone, she was an easy catch. Full of curiosity, Aarifa waited outside the bathroom for her to come out. When she didn’t come out for half an hour, Aarifa walked in. Alicia’s smile was gone; though she looked sexier in her tears. Aarifa had been there, crying out alone and desperate to be loved. Aarifa walked closer to Alicia, barely making any sound.
“Have you ever heard about Duck syndrome?” Asked Aarifa, facing the mirror above the washbasin standing beside her. Alicia looked at her with no clue. For a second, Aarifa did the same guessing what was the reason for her tears this time.
“When you see a duck on the water, it seems effortlessly floating. But when you see under water, it is trying hard as fuck to keep floating. We teenage girls, we all are alike. We seem happy and charming from the outside but inside we all have plate full of insecurities and these emotions turmoil. So, whatever that made you feel upset, let me tell you this. You are not alone.”
“You seem like have figured out life.” Said she, cleaning her tears.
“No, it’s still mystery to me but I have a cheat for life. I get what I want this way.”
“What is this cheat that solve every problem?” asked Alicia, trying to wear the same mask that everybody did, to look perfect. Aarifa sat on the marble between sinks and drowned in her eye.
“It’s simple. Instead of trying to be like someone else or trying to fit in, I make things others try to fit in. If I want something, I don’t care what others would think, I would just get it. For instance, when I looked at you entering the school, I knew I want you and here I am, to suck you all in. You might call me weird or desperate but I don’t care. This is what I feel about you and I am her to tell you this. So, we can be together and never feel alone ever again. What do you say?” asked Aarifa diving straight into her eyes, which haven’t blinked once.
“You are crazy?” her smile was back.
“Maybe I am. I could lecture you about how being crazy is good but I don’t wanna spoil our first kiss. It’s too fast forward but I don’t know how long you will be staying here so I want to make your every moment in India special for you, at least I can do better than those morons you dated.” Sometimes Aarifa’s words worked like magic. You would call it cliché but it happened. She put her hips between Aarifa’s legs, pulled her almost on edge of marble, holding her from behind, and kissed her. It was different, something that Aarifa had never felt before.
Days passed and they kind of became a thing. Everything was great until it wasn’t. Aarifa fooled herself into believing that she actually liked being with Alicia but someday it was gonna come out. That day was November 24, 2020. She walked with Tessa to her house after school. Tessa was gonna help her with French homework.
Winters in Manali were quite chilly and all the humidity made her pee a lot, sometimes even in gaps of less than an hour. Aarifa had small bladder.
“You go upstairs. I’ll hit the toilet and join you.” Said Aarifa and walked to the bathroom. She still had headphones on. Seemed like there was no one in the house. She pulled down my pants and sat down. Suddenly, someone pulled the bathroom curtain and Amir’s bare body looked at her. they squeaked as their eyes met and Aarifa ran out pulling her pants up. She didn’t tell Tessa but something changed inside her. She tried hard but couldn’t get his glaring bare body out of her mind.
Next few days were full of excitement. What started with embarrassment turned into a crush. They would look at each other our shoulder in hallway in the school, which with time gradually turned into flirty gestures, accidental hand touches and long eye contacts. A seventeen years old boy who once was just her best friend’s brother for Aarifa now seemed a potential partner.
By that time, her relationship with Alicia was corroded, though she wasn’t if she should break up with her. Being with Alicia wasn’t just as being with a girl for Aarifa. Alicia was her mirror. They shared common traits and filled each other’s void that their family had left. No other person had ever understood her like Alicia did. Aarifa flourished in her company. But Aarifa knew that Alicia wouldn’t be there with her forever. As soon as her mother got transferred, she would be gone.
Despite all the efforts she put into being there for Alicia, Aarifa got far from her as she came closer to Amir. All my excitement about being with a girl fall in abyss as she talked to him for the first time. It was after school in the cabinet near the football ground where boys did all kind of crazy things.
Aarifa entered the cabinet only to find out that he was there laying on a torn-out sofa, smoking a joint. The cabinet was stinking of all kinds of illegal things. The floor was full of chips rappers, remains of cigarettes and even a girl’s underwear. she got nervous watching him like that and turned back.
“Hey!” he said from back. Aarifa stopped and turned back. He seated on the sofa now. Aarifa lost my voice and my breath. He was talking to her, the guy who didn’t looked at her before that bathroom fiasco.
“Have a seat.” He added. Aarifa sat down silently beside him. He took a puff and passed the joint to me. She took it and breathed in, coughing back the smoking out. they laughed and Aarifa once more breathed in and passed the joint back to him, following a few more puffs.
“You could get to prison for doing this to me.” Said I mockingly when the joint started its effect on me.
“I know.” He said slowly and we both laughed ludicrously.
Embarrassment dissolved in the smoke and they came out of that cabinet more than just friends. Snapchat helped a lot in upcoming days. Aarifa started to ignore Alicia’s snaps, avoiding her in the school, lying her constantly that she was busy, hoping that Alicia would understand on her own. Hoping that she would move on but she was more stubborn than Aarifa, and dumb.
Finally, one day, Aarifa confronted Alicia in the school bathroom.
“I saw you with Tessa, walking home with her for last thirteen days. You spent hours with her at her home. Even when you are not with her, you ignore me. It’s been about a month since we talked genuinely. You came to me when I needed you most so I am not gonna leave you alone now. Whatever it is, whatever the issue is, we can solve it together. Just don’t think about ever leaving me.” Sobbed Alicia.
“I know, Al. I know we are great together but thing is, a day will come and you would be gone forever and I would be stuck her without you, without any friend. I am getting away from you because that’s best for both of us.”
“Please don’t do this to me. Please I am bagging you.” Her voice faded as Aarifa walked away.
That day Aarifa didn’t walked home with Tessa. Aarifa was worried all day. First time in her life, she got what she wanted, a true friend who loved her for what she was. It was pure and she blew it away. Was Amir worth it? what if Amir was not what she thought of him? What if Amir was just another guy?
Hesitatingly, she called Amir. Amir clamed her down. He pointed out that she had finally broken up with Alicia and their relationship was thriving. It would have been wrong to give Alicia false hope. He was right. She cut the call and laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling. Now that she recalled every friend she had; it was hard to say that they left her. Somehow, she managed to throw them away. Once again, she was leaving her old friend behind for a new one.
Around midnight, she woke up. Her phone was constantly beeping. Notification bar filled with hundreds of messages from her classmates. Someone released a recording of Alicia kissing Tessa in girl’s bathroom on school WhatsApp group. Why would Alicia kiss Tessa on the say day Aarifa broke up with her? Did she do it? did she released the tape to hurt Aarifa?
None of her old friends dared to do such a thing. She could sense hurt she caused to Alicia. Alicia was a decent girl when she met her. In fact, if Aarifa would have never met her, she would have never been able to pull such a stunt. Aarifa knew it was Alicia, for she would have done same. She made Alicia what she was now. It was all her fault.
Like always, mom grounded Aarifa and Tessa stopped picking up her calls. Although, she kept on talking with Amir who told her. Prasad was very mad at Tessa, first time in his life and it was more than anything Tessa could handle. Aarifa knew her very well. Tessa was brave and confident but helping people was her problem. That was hurting her the most as Prasad was always there for her no matter what.
Next morning, Aarifa headed for school hoping everything would be alright. These kinds of things happened at school all the time. She entered the school with fake smile on her face. Everyone gossiped, sadness spread all over their faces. Nobody would be sad for a leaked tape.
“What is happening?” Aarifa caught Eva in the hallway.
“A boy was found murdered in boy’s restroom.”
“Oh my god! Like it wasn’t enough already. What is happening to this school?” Alicia didn’t reply.
Year 2020 was already a shitty year due to corona outbreak. Now, murder of a classmate pushed Aarifa on the edge. She didn’t know boy well. He, in particular, didn’t matter to her. It was the changing environment that was too much to handle for her. She lived in her fairy tale life of high school, bullied a few girls and enjoyed that fame that helped her hide her loneliness. She felt an imminent poison spreading in people around her.
She got thinner and thinner looking at her classmates. Anyone of them could be a murder. She had done harm to lot of them. What if they kill her? She could remember she thought of herself as the worst person who bullied and made fun of others. Does she deserved to die like this for that, in the classroom?
Once fearless walk in hallway was now wobbling, keeping social distancing. She tripped looking at Alicia who just crossed her staring in sweating face. she stood up and ran way to cafeteria. She needed someone, something that would take her from all of this madness. She squeezed a chair by corner until Amir joined her for launch. She didn’t resist to meet publicly, for there was nothing to hide anymore. She didn’t care anymore.
Alicia looked at them with her vengeful eyes from distant table.
“Look at the girl on that table, Alicia? She must have killed that boy. See, how is she looking at us.”
“Hon, are you okay? That table is empty. Alicia is suspended from school.” Amir replied.
Aarifa could believe her eyes. She looked again. There was actually no one. Was she hallucinating? What was happening to her? Why was she suddenly so afraid of Alicia? Aarifa checked again her last massage on phone from last night—I am coming for you.
“Nothing. Let’s eat.” Said Aarifa to Amir who was cluelessly looking at her.
Amir brought Aloo paratha for his launch with yogurt. It was Tessa’s favourite. At least, someone was trying to lighten her mood at home. It was hard to resist Mary’s Paratha, though social obligation was to not show excitement about food in such a dark situation. A boy’s murder in school. It wasn’t a lite matter, both for students and authority. The whole cafeteria was its live witness. Crowded and full of laughter cafeteria was quite and mostly unoccupied today.
Fuck it, Aarifa passed her burger to Amir and pulled his tiffin, locking the eyes with Alicia, who was there again. She grabbed paratha bit, filled it with yogurt and engulfed it in her mouth, still staring. Alicia disappeared.
“Who do you think did it?”
“The boy?”
“No, the tape. Who leaked it?”
“No idea.” He replied. His face darkened.
“Prasad will come around you know.”
“No, he won’t.” he paused, as Aarifa looked at him, “You know what, life is fucking is us hard. I want something good, something exciting. Do you want have sex?”
“What?” Aarifa gasped.
“You don’t want to?”
“It’s not like that.” Said Aarifa analysing, “fuck it, I’m in.”
“Mom-dad are going to a party day after tomorrow night. I will there by midnight. Keep sketch paper ready, I’ll draw you naked, along with all the important stuff.” He said and walked away. In the beginning, Aarifa was socked he asked for sex but it seemed like a good idea. Now that Alicia was out of picture, she should deepen her relationship with Amir. Moreover, she wanted to get out of madness happening around her.
Next boring day went in vein. School was closed for few days. Tessa still didn’t pick up her calls. Rosie yelled at her, for apparently, she let Tessa kiss Alicia in the bathroom and it was her responsibility to look after like she was a baby. Tessa was way taller than Aarifa yet Rosie called her baby. Aarifa feared that one of these days she will yell at her mother. Now that Aarifa thought of it, her world was mad way before Tessa’s tape, the murder at school or even before she met Alicia.
to be continued...
© the forbidden child