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Trapped
Do you ever feel trapped? I don’t mean physically but mentally and emotionally. Have you ever told someone that you were fine when in fact you were barely holding on ? Well that is the kind of person that I am . It wasn’t always like this , I used to be running around with friends having the time of my life but many unfortunate events changed me entirely. I became locked in an empty room . Sadness is this monster that everyone eventually meets . Sadness is expressed in many ways , maybe you cry or maybe you smile and get on with your day while it follows you around. I use my mask every day , my mask of happiness, to trick people into believing that I’m truly at peace and nothing could go wrong when in fact so many terrible events are going on around me . I use my mask more often then you would think. I use it around friends and even family . Why ? Well it’s because I’m caged like an animal. No one to confide in and no one to cry to . Just me , myself and I . Sadness never really goes away , it’s always there just like your shadow . So how do I deal with blackness ? Well the truth is I don’t . I keep it deep inside me and hold on tight to any bit of light I can find . Many events have caused me this suffocating blanket of darkness . One of the biggest ones is my mam having Crohn’s disease .
As a young child my mam was constantly in hospital and never had much time for me . Seeing her lying there in endless suffering and seeing how weak she was really brought a tear to slip down my face and drop onto the sinking ground below. I wanted to help her but could never find a way to do so . Even at a young age I used my mask with my friends to hide how heartbroken I was about my mam’s illness. She’s gotten better over the years but now and again falls severely ill . No one should have to see their mother that way at such a young age. Even though seeing her ill made me swallow endless amounts of water it also shaped me to be more caring about people around me , even strangers. No one ever asks “ what’s troubling you ?” Or “wanna talk about it ? “ they just sit there and watch you put on this silly act of endless butterflies of joy. My mam is always being asked “what’s wrong?” or “ how are you feeling today ?” because of her illness but no one ever asks the people that cared for her or her family who had to see her go through all of that endless disintegration because they assume that we are ok . My dad shaped me to be consumed by countless ideas of failure and dragged down by the helpless souls below
My dad was the weapon of lying . My dad lied to me all the time and wrapped me in this unbreakable web. Then he started moving on from girlfriend to girlfriend and started having children . He never tried to contact me or show how much he wanted to see me when my mam stopped my visits . This really upset me because everyone had one big happy family while I was stuck with myself and my mam who always has something wrong with her . I felt odd , like I was the elephant in the room. My best friend always considered my emotions and my situation even though she gets everything she wants . But talking to people about my situation is so difficult to describe and make people understand. It’s hard when your locked in the empty and your trying to break free but you just can’t find the key in the endless blackness . Sadness is like an anchor all the time , pulling you down further and further into the darkness and things like my mam’s illness or my terrible dad just add weight to that anchor . Well you can’t be sad all the time right? Unfortunately I am sad all the time but depending on the situation the sadness can hurt less or more .
Another thing that comes with the emptiness is the feeling of failure. It’s almost like I have atychiphobia ( the fear of failure or not being good enough) . Failure clouds my head and tricks me into believing that I am not good enough and destined to fail. This often effects how I work and think , even how I act. tears roll down my face or I get really moody which I do not mean or want. The sinking feeling of failure is hard to deal with and sometimes it wins and I truly believe that I will only fail and that I will never be enough to anyone. And in the end it all leads back to that mask , to locking it all in a cage, to smiling instead of letting those tears fall.
One of the biggest causes for me would be being too kind . How can you be too kind ? Well it’s like giving your heart to someone and them standing on it. Harsh? I don’t think so , I simply think it is the horrifying truth. There have been many times when my heart has told me to help someone or be kind to all but they decide that my kindness has no worth to them and make my heart cry. Some people might just stop being kind and turn into this heartless monster but I could never do such a thing, you see it’s just my nature to be kind and respectful to everyone not just a choice. One example of this would be when my friend was in a dark place and needed me to help them and put a smile on there face but when I needed them they turned me away and told me that I didn’t matter to them and that really stung like a thousand bees.so there you go . This is the kind of person I am , just another person with a mask and a caged lion inside of me . Smiling is truly the master of deceit and is the biggest trickster of them all.
As a young child my mam was constantly in hospital and never had much time for me . Seeing her lying there in endless suffering and seeing how weak she was really brought a tear to slip down my face and drop onto the sinking ground below. I wanted to help her but could never find a way to do so . Even at a young age I used my mask with my friends to hide how heartbroken I was about my mam’s illness. She’s gotten better over the years but now and again falls severely ill . No one should have to see their mother that way at such a young age. Even though seeing her ill made me swallow endless amounts of water it also shaped me to be more caring about people around me , even strangers. No one ever asks “ what’s troubling you ?” Or “wanna talk about it ? “ they just sit there and watch you put on this silly act of endless butterflies of joy. My mam is always being asked “what’s wrong?” or “ how are you feeling today ?” because of her illness but no one ever asks the people that cared for her or her family who had to see her go through all of that endless disintegration because they assume that we are ok . My dad shaped me to be consumed by countless ideas of failure and dragged down by the helpless souls below
My dad was the weapon of lying . My dad lied to me all the time and wrapped me in this unbreakable web. Then he started moving on from girlfriend to girlfriend and started having children . He never tried to contact me or show how much he wanted to see me when my mam stopped my visits . This really upset me because everyone had one big happy family while I was stuck with myself and my mam who always has something wrong with her . I felt odd , like I was the elephant in the room. My best friend always considered my emotions and my situation even though she gets everything she wants . But talking to people about my situation is so difficult to describe and make people understand. It’s hard when your locked in the empty and your trying to break free but you just can’t find the key in the endless blackness . Sadness is like an anchor all the time , pulling you down further and further into the darkness and things like my mam’s illness or my terrible dad just add weight to that anchor . Well you can’t be sad all the time right? Unfortunately I am sad all the time but depending on the situation the sadness can hurt less or more .
Another thing that comes with the emptiness is the feeling of failure. It’s almost like I have atychiphobia ( the fear of failure or not being good enough) . Failure clouds my head and tricks me into believing that I am not good enough and destined to fail. This often effects how I work and think , even how I act. tears roll down my face or I get really moody which I do not mean or want. The sinking feeling of failure is hard to deal with and sometimes it wins and I truly believe that I will only fail and that I will never be enough to anyone. And in the end it all leads back to that mask , to locking it all in a cage, to smiling instead of letting those tears fall.
One of the biggest causes for me would be being too kind . How can you be too kind ? Well it’s like giving your heart to someone and them standing on it. Harsh? I don’t think so , I simply think it is the horrifying truth. There have been many times when my heart has told me to help someone or be kind to all but they decide that my kindness has no worth to them and make my heart cry. Some people might just stop being kind and turn into this heartless monster but I could never do such a thing, you see it’s just my nature to be kind and respectful to everyone not just a choice. One example of this would be when my friend was in a dark place and needed me to help them and put a smile on there face but when I needed them they turned me away and told me that I didn’t matter to them and that really stung like a thousand bees.so there you go . This is the kind of person I am , just another person with a mask and a caged lion inside of me . Smiling is truly the master of deceit and is the biggest trickster of them all.
