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The Puzzle Continued
It has taken most of my life - even since childhood, to fit the puzzle pieces together of my strange and beautiful life.
I never learned how to read a map until I was in my late thirties.
I never knew I had a cute behind until I was in my forties.
I didn't learn how to put any of my things (ie ; dvds) into alphabetical order until about half a century into my confusing, fragmented life.
But then something happened.
I was diagnosed pretty late in life with, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), BPDD (Bipolar Depressive Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The delicate, yet sometimes more of a "Bull In The China Hutch" metaphor, the required unrelenting diligence, committment, trial and error style of Prescription Medications pushed on us under the guise "to better facilitate a functional, true sense of self" - well, it is a long and trying process to say the least.
It's also never a permanent fix. Neither is it a smooth ride, more of a sort of roller coaster both mentally, and emotionally, and is exhausting.
For those of us willing to undertake the job, we go through changes in life forever striving for the best sort of equilibrium for ourselves. This lifelong committment takes a lot of strength. Don't ever assume that for any of us, it "must be" a certain way. It isn't. If I weren't so stubborn about my own convictions I would not have made it this far.
Learning the steps as you go in the dance of life can be challenging. On the one hand, you may be carefree and not care about what is visible to others, but more likely on the other hand you may only want to show the dance once it's been learned. For those of us with many challenges it takes an entire life of doing both.
The list of Health concerns to add to the mix is also a complex type of juggling act, and not discovering many things until much later in life leaves you perpetually juggling until little by little, a new thought pattern or physical process can be somewhat let go of in order to take another step forward in our own development.
Many things make sense to me now, whether I can do anything about it is another learning process.
It's heartbreaking to me that both of my now adult children, have been groomed to believe so many untruths that they don't even speak to me or interact with any sort of regularity.
Their opinions are influenced by others around them which has resulted in a huge misinterpretation and consequent belief about their Mother that is based on lies. Nothing in my power that I can change.
Whether leaving a partner, or letting go of adult children it's a process akin to losing someone through death. You must mourn the loss of the relationship that once existed.
I'm going to attempt to explain one pitfall after another. I've been led to believe that if you have enough money there are no limits to what you can get away with. It's a scary time right now, with Covid and it's variants.
So much Climate Change, and so much Political Unrest.
The point of attempting to learn a Healthy way of life both inside and out just seems almost pointless at times. Nonetheless, there is something that drives us on.
Through writing about my experiences, I'm able to slow down my thought process and attempt communicating with others. This has been a driving force in my life since my teens, and so I continue the effort.
I do want to make one thing very clear before I jump into the next story though. I take FULL responsibility for my own actions. In no way am I attempting to minimize anything. I only have the will to share what I have learned, and in so doing perhaps someone else may have a more streamlined life that isn't so full of strange and unbelievable twists and turns.
That being said, it will take more pages than I can write in one sitting. So, here I begin another chapter.
I first met him after moving to Washington State, to transfer from ASU to WSU and to continue a relationship with my now ex husband. I had no intentions of settling down so much, of getting married, and certainly not having another child.
I was informed at the time that a friend of his was moving to Colorado. My first thoughts were "what could I give to the current equation". There were about 20 - 30 people invited to our home for a farewell get together.
Mussels were extremely inexpensive, so I made 2 to 3 dozen broiled with garlic, salt, and butter and sprinkled with parsley, enough for everyone. I didn't know the guy, but I knew how to cook and this was my contribution. My late Grandmother - curator of Irene's Hungaria would have been proud.
Strangely, not one person invited - except for the guest of honor showed up. It made for a pretty strange gathering. He was awkwardly grateful. Afterwards, he went on his way and we wished him well. We ate mussels for days.
I later learned second hand through some of the invited guests that no showed, they thought he was a bit odd. Would have been nice if I had known this ahead of time!
Regardless, I ended up marrying my husband and in a few months we welcomed a new baby girl.
Several months went by. His strange friend showed up, inviting us to go on a brief private plane ride as he was needing to put in a few more flight hours for his private pilots license. My ex agreed and it was fun, and we needed a break from the trying first few months of parenting.
When we got back, he invited my son who was 7 or 8 then, to come along with him for the weekend if it was permissible. I relied on my husband's judgement as I didn't know the guy that well. My son was excited to be offered a chance to fly the plane!
My ex never told me until later, the reason some people hadn't shown up for the going away get together several months back. I was also a bit upset that he felt it was safe enough for my son to go with the guy for the weekend, although I was close to my son then. I instructed him to keep watch for his own safety, and if anything felt out of place, to make sure and let me know. Things went well and all was forgotten.
Years later, my daughter was about 4 years old, my son 12. I had left my husband for neglect, emotionally and physically. Favoritism of one child over another, and my own ever growing depression.
I was in the 1st year of separation, having gotten my licensing to do nails, hands and feet in the state and was working as an independent contractor. A phone message was given to me. The owner of the shop explained that she wouldn't agree to give out my personal information over the phone, although the person who called kept insisting that he was a friend.
I was very cautious. I didn't know the guy well, he was a friend of my soon to be ex husband's and I could only think of one reason he would be attempting to contact me.
I remember telling him, as he was a friend of my ex, what did he want with me?
He got a bit offended. Explained he was regularly in touch with my ex, and during those years we had exchanged birthday greetings and recipes, led him to believe we were 'friends'. When he inquired from my ex after catching up on things, about the children and of me he was surprised to hear that we were gone. He was worried and began calling every salon in the city until finding where I was working, and wanted to make sure I was alright. I was much more naive then and thanked him for the concern.
He wanted to contact me again, and was adamant m assuring me that if I ever needed anything to contact him. I didn't trust easily. I gave him my number.
Several weeks later, we began chatting once in a while. It began that way. A friendly call that started to become more frequent over time.
At the time, I had no knowledge at all of what "grooming" was. Had never heard the term Pedophile before. It was the early 90's and no one talked about those things much.
Soon the phone calls became a frequent welcome comfort from a friend. I had a surgery during those first several months and received a big bouquet of peach colored roses.
Soon, he and I were planning to meet in person, to see if we actually had any feelings for one another.
This was the beginning of a new friendship, I was convinced.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2.....
© All Rights Reserved
I never learned how to read a map until I was in my late thirties.
I never knew I had a cute behind until I was in my forties.
I didn't learn how to put any of my things (ie ; dvds) into alphabetical order until about half a century into my confusing, fragmented life.
But then something happened.
I was diagnosed pretty late in life with, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), BPDD (Bipolar Depressive Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The delicate, yet sometimes more of a "Bull In The China Hutch" metaphor, the required unrelenting diligence, committment, trial and error style of Prescription Medications pushed on us under the guise "to better facilitate a functional, true sense of self" - well, it is a long and trying process to say the least.
It's also never a permanent fix. Neither is it a smooth ride, more of a sort of roller coaster both mentally, and emotionally, and is exhausting.
For those of us willing to undertake the job, we go through changes in life forever striving for the best sort of equilibrium for ourselves. This lifelong committment takes a lot of strength. Don't ever assume that for any of us, it "must be" a certain way. It isn't. If I weren't so stubborn about my own convictions I would not have made it this far.
Learning the steps as you go in the dance of life can be challenging. On the one hand, you may be carefree and not care about what is visible to others, but more likely on the other hand you may only want to show the dance once it's been learned. For those of us with many challenges it takes an entire life of doing both.
The list of Health concerns to add to the mix is also a complex type of juggling act, and not discovering many things until much later in life leaves you perpetually juggling until little by little, a new thought pattern or physical process can be somewhat let go of in order to take another step forward in our own development.
Many things make sense to me now, whether I can do anything about it is another learning process.
It's heartbreaking to me that both of my now adult children, have been groomed to believe so many untruths that they don't even speak to me or interact with any sort of regularity.
Their opinions are influenced by others around them which has resulted in a huge misinterpretation and consequent belief about their Mother that is based on lies. Nothing in my power that I can change.
Whether leaving a partner, or letting go of adult children it's a process akin to losing someone through death. You must mourn the loss of the relationship that once existed.
I'm going to attempt to explain one pitfall after another. I've been led to believe that if you have enough money there are no limits to what you can get away with. It's a scary time right now, with Covid and it's variants.
So much Climate Change, and so much Political Unrest.
The point of attempting to learn a Healthy way of life both inside and out just seems almost pointless at times. Nonetheless, there is something that drives us on.
Through writing about my experiences, I'm able to slow down my thought process and attempt communicating with others. This has been a driving force in my life since my teens, and so I continue the effort.
I do want to make one thing very clear before I jump into the next story though. I take FULL responsibility for my own actions. In no way am I attempting to minimize anything. I only have the will to share what I have learned, and in so doing perhaps someone else may have a more streamlined life that isn't so full of strange and unbelievable twists and turns.
That being said, it will take more pages than I can write in one sitting. So, here I begin another chapter.
I first met him after moving to Washington State, to transfer from ASU to WSU and to continue a relationship with my now ex husband. I had no intentions of settling down so much, of getting married, and certainly not having another child.
I was informed at the time that a friend of his was moving to Colorado. My first thoughts were "what could I give to the current equation". There were about 20 - 30 people invited to our home for a farewell get together.
Mussels were extremely inexpensive, so I made 2 to 3 dozen broiled with garlic, salt, and butter and sprinkled with parsley, enough for everyone. I didn't know the guy, but I knew how to cook and this was my contribution. My late Grandmother - curator of Irene's Hungaria would have been proud.
Strangely, not one person invited - except for the guest of honor showed up. It made for a pretty strange gathering. He was awkwardly grateful. Afterwards, he went on his way and we wished him well. We ate mussels for days.
I later learned second hand through some of the invited guests that no showed, they thought he was a bit odd. Would have been nice if I had known this ahead of time!
Regardless, I ended up marrying my husband and in a few months we welcomed a new baby girl.
Several months went by. His strange friend showed up, inviting us to go on a brief private plane ride as he was needing to put in a few more flight hours for his private pilots license. My ex agreed and it was fun, and we needed a break from the trying first few months of parenting.
When we got back, he invited my son who was 7 or 8 then, to come along with him for the weekend if it was permissible. I relied on my husband's judgement as I didn't know the guy that well. My son was excited to be offered a chance to fly the plane!
My ex never told me until later, the reason some people hadn't shown up for the going away get together several months back. I was also a bit upset that he felt it was safe enough for my son to go with the guy for the weekend, although I was close to my son then. I instructed him to keep watch for his own safety, and if anything felt out of place, to make sure and let me know. Things went well and all was forgotten.
Years later, my daughter was about 4 years old, my son 12. I had left my husband for neglect, emotionally and physically. Favoritism of one child over another, and my own ever growing depression.
I was in the 1st year of separation, having gotten my licensing to do nails, hands and feet in the state and was working as an independent contractor. A phone message was given to me. The owner of the shop explained that she wouldn't agree to give out my personal information over the phone, although the person who called kept insisting that he was a friend.
I was very cautious. I didn't know the guy well, he was a friend of my soon to be ex husband's and I could only think of one reason he would be attempting to contact me.
I remember telling him, as he was a friend of my ex, what did he want with me?
He got a bit offended. Explained he was regularly in touch with my ex, and during those years we had exchanged birthday greetings and recipes, led him to believe we were 'friends'. When he inquired from my ex after catching up on things, about the children and of me he was surprised to hear that we were gone. He was worried and began calling every salon in the city until finding where I was working, and wanted to make sure I was alright. I was much more naive then and thanked him for the concern.
He wanted to contact me again, and was adamant m assuring me that if I ever needed anything to contact him. I didn't trust easily. I gave him my number.
Several weeks later, we began chatting once in a while. It began that way. A friendly call that started to become more frequent over time.
At the time, I had no knowledge at all of what "grooming" was. Had never heard the term Pedophile before. It was the early 90's and no one talked about those things much.
Soon the phone calls became a frequent welcome comfort from a friend. I had a surgery during those first several months and received a big bouquet of peach colored roses.
Soon, he and I were planning to meet in person, to see if we actually had any feelings for one another.
This was the beginning of a new friendship, I was convinced.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2.....
© All Rights Reserved
