Anxiety is like a beast, a wild one. For me it’s like a bear.

My life feels like walking trough a dark forest, full of traps and betrayal. I am scared of my actions, the consequences of them. Scared to know how I really stand in people’s heart, the people who really matters to me. A big fear of being abandoned, left behind, discarded... Scared to feel pain, thinking I might not be strong enough to withstand it.
But in this dark forest I am not alone, there is a bear by my side, a big one, growing bigger by the day. I know this beast is protecting me, watching other me. But this protection has a cost... It is feeding on me. Creating chaos in my head so I will need it forever. I don’t think there is a way out. I am too scared to get away from the bear, and if I keep thinking negatively, then I won’t be surprised when a bad news come. I would only be allowed to say “I knew it... it was just a matter of time”.

Yet I am exhausted, from stress and anxiety, from my heart skipping beats, from my neck hurting me, from my stomach begging to empty itself... from wanting to disappear.

Yet, as long as I am not alone, be it at work, with family or with friends, I retain the tears, and I put a smile on face. A big mask, a big farce, to protect myself from hearing what others would thing about it, would think about me. I look for recognition in other, to feel as I might be worth something. I need someone who can hold me tight and swear everything will be alright and good. But here I am smiling, hiding how I feel so people won’t go away. Every time it’s tiring me, using up forces I need to stand. I know someday I will collapse.
© Nogh(Challier_Melody)