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self harm
One day having a mental breakdown like always and wanting to try something new to stop crying. Next day tried cutting. It's just one cut, it wont hurt, I won't get addicted, it's just one cut. It did hurt, never again. After few days, remember how it feels. Cut again. Next day same thing, it's not problem, it's not addiction, just one cut. The other day. Do more, cus it doesn't feel the same as first time or second time. Then do more. The next day do more, and watch it bleed. Then started liking the red on my hand. Then 'the next day' turns into doing it everyday for weeks, months, years. Until I cant stop doing it. The hands are starting to get full of redness. There's no more space for new red. One day thinking of stopping. But I can't, I like cutting and watching red run. The next day trying something new. Legs. Seeing red run on my legs is fun. And it's starting to get easier to hide it. Cus I don't want my relatives or my friends to see what a disappointment I became.
But don't think it's easy to just give up on seeing red run on my body. I tried everything. I tried drawing my feelings. I tried eating foods that I normally don't eat. I tried chewing on gum. I tried talking to someone abt it. I tried writing how I feel on piece of paper. I tried bunch kinds of music genre. I tried cold showers. I tried talking to people online and going in groupchats. I tried punching and screaming. I tried ripping papers. I tried new hobbies. I tried finding new friends and communicating.
And I did wanted to go to therapy. But I didn't. My mom told me to "fix myself on my own".
Then the bad habits started. Just to stop it. I tried drinking energy drinks. I tried vaping. It helped. But it got annoying to spend money every 3days. Eventually I started having mental breakdowns cause I can't stop. I can't control myself. But it started as "it's won't be addiction" "it's just one cut" and ended opposite then expected.
I can't control it. I just go to bathroom. Get red cutting stuff. And just doing it. I even tried stopping myself from going to bathroom, to just cut. I can't control it.
Now I'm trying to write story abt it, while watching it bleed.
But don't think it's easy to just give up on seeing red run on my body. I tried everything. I tried drawing my feelings. I tried eating foods that I normally don't eat. I tried chewing on gum. I tried talking to someone abt it. I tried writing how I feel on piece of paper. I tried bunch kinds of music genre. I tried cold showers. I tried talking to people online and going in groupchats. I tried punching and screaming. I tried ripping papers. I tried new hobbies. I tried finding new friends and communicating.
And I did wanted to go to therapy. But I didn't. My mom told me to "fix myself on my own".
Then the bad habits started. Just to stop it. I tried drinking energy drinks. I tried vaping. It helped. But it got annoying to spend money every 3days. Eventually I started having mental breakdowns cause I can't stop. I can't control myself. But it started as "it's won't be addiction" "it's just one cut" and ended opposite then expected.
I can't control it. I just go to bathroom. Get red cutting stuff. And just doing it. I even tried stopping myself from going to bathroom, to just cut. I can't control it.
Now I'm trying to write story abt it, while watching it bleed.
