As I'm writing this, there's still little hope for me to change.
I cannot change my core personality for people.
I will never follow the trend.
I will never do drugs.
I will never do things to fit in.
But what price do I pay for not fitting in?
I'm at the edge of loneliness.
I feel surprised when people want to hang out with me.
I feel shocked when someone compliments me.
I give so much to only receive little.

Is this bad?
Is this selfish?
I just want some authenticity.
It's not that difficult, but people make it difficult.
Humans are difficult.
I'm tired of long sleepless nights of dried up tears.
I'm tired of feeling unwanted.
I'm tired of feeling inadequate.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm just tired.

This blur is exhausting. The big cloud is getting bigger, covering my view. I can't see who I should trust. I can't see the colors of the walls. I can't see my own phone. All I see is a distorted reality. My reality. My reality is broken. It is lonely. It is painful. My past is even more painful.

I'm in mental pain, get me out of it.
Get me out of it, please.
Otherwise I need to be violent.
I have to punch a wall, punch something.
I have to get angry at someone.
I want to let it go.
I need to let it go.

This blur continues to fog my view of the world and myself.

And I wonder where it'll go next.
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