I remember the day I sparred with an ex lover of mine. He was six foot two and sexy and yet he was always great when it came to sparring. The man pushed me to be the best when it came to boxing, yet when we were away from the ring; he was a horrible boyfriend and lover. We used to fight each and everyday and there were times it got physical. He was bigger and stronger than me, but I had the intelligence to beat him psychologically. When it comes to sparring with him, I always had a great time because sparring always gives me the chance to grow and learn new things along the way. My ex had every guy he wanted and what attracted me to him was his determination. He was an undefeated pro boxer who was 23-0. Sparring for me allowed me to gain more self esteem and confidence along the way, but when it came to he and I; he used to be mean and nasty to me. The sex was intense and passionless after a while and then he started cheating on me. The reason we broke up is because he used to give me marks and bruises and black eyes and I had enough of the abuse. I can't lie and say that I want him back, but a part of me want him back. Why I won't go back to him? I gained more self esteem and self respect for myself and I knew that I went back to him, I wouldn't make it out alive the next time. I've sparred with some of the best, but he's truly the best. He would always find a way to counter my punches and what I love about sparring with him is that it's always a cat and mouse game and I like challenges. Though we're never getting back together again, I somewhat gained back a friendship with him. The funny thing is that he was an amazing friend to me, but a shitty boyfriend! When I got back into boxing, he was there and helped me gain some confidence and self esteem. Before he came into my life, I was abused by a former girlfriend and she was a kickboxer. I was also abused by my sperm donor and I just love to say that those experiences pushed me to being a better version of myself. When I spar with my ex, I grieve the lose of a relationship and celebrate a friendship that's blossoming and growing. Sparring with him makes me tougher inside and out and I feel good when punches would come my way because it allows me to work on my defense and offense movements. What I don't miss is the physical abuse and let me say that NO ONE should be abused in a relationship! Abuse IS NOT love and I mean that. My ex is muscular, tall, good looking and he could be charming when he wants to be. But he also has a violent temper and is a violent man. I got back a friend and lost a lover. Boxing saved my life, but it was my ex who pushed me to be my best and I'm forever grateful to him for taking a chance on me.





© Josiah Bhola Hillaire