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let that be the reason
first and foremost don't get the wrong impression of me, I'm not bitching or crying or asking you to care. That's funny right care; about me. I'm not that girl, I read some poem somewhere and it was talking about how can a child that never heard I love u say it and mean it or some shit like that.
hi my name's illiana and this my story before I go any further al I ask is that you keep in mind that my choices are my choices and even though there fucked up I'm not. ok here goes nothing .
I was always a pretty boy meaning I looked like a girl all my life. so growing up in my home was like ww3 . My mother God rest her soul was sick I mean she had multiple personalities and my father was none existent in my life. Well he was around but because my mother loved me so much he low key hated me they all did.
See I'm the youngest of 5 and I'm mixed white and Mexican think Dennis the menace but with red hair. I always knew that I was different from my siblings because ppl were always saying how cute I was and showing me affection and at first I was like sweet . Then one day my mom was all messed up and took a whole bunch of Xanax and beer everyone else in the house had school or had work so it was just us.
Looking back on that day what I lost, the shame I gained and the pain that never seems to leave me. Losing my innocence wasn't the worst part it was the shame that I still can't seem to wash off. It's like when ppl look at me they can see my scars even though it is completely impossible to see it.
I gained this armor that was impenetrable no one was gonna ever take my soul again. So years passed by and I became this empty thing hateld my own reflection because I was a cute kid and I had to make myself invisible to everyone because if I let them see the light that was inside of me the light that I thought was gone was still inside of me and I was so scared to show anybody it crippled me, my intire life afraid to be great because everytime I did someone found something sexual in me to a child.
How can they see me a sexual creature when I didn't know what sexuality was.
All I've ever wanted was to be loved to be seen as someone not something to defile. My heart is still not sure what or if my love will ever be recepracated but I know I won't stop trying . A broken heart hurts but a heart that never tried is just sad.
hi my name's illiana and this my story before I go any further al I ask is that you keep in mind that my choices are my choices and even though there fucked up I'm not. ok here goes nothing .
I was always a pretty boy meaning I looked like a girl all my life. so growing up in my home was like ww3 . My mother God rest her soul was sick I mean she had multiple personalities and my father was none existent in my life. Well he was around but because my mother loved me so much he low key hated me they all did.
See I'm the youngest of 5 and I'm mixed white and Mexican think Dennis the menace but with red hair. I always knew that I was different from my siblings because ppl were always saying how cute I was and showing me affection and at first I was like sweet . Then one day my mom was all messed up and took a whole bunch of Xanax and beer everyone else in the house had school or had work so it was just us.
Looking back on that day what I lost, the shame I gained and the pain that never seems to leave me. Losing my innocence wasn't the worst part it was the shame that I still can't seem to wash off. It's like when ppl look at me they can see my scars even though it is completely impossible to see it.
I gained this armor that was impenetrable no one was gonna ever take my soul again. So years passed by and I became this empty thing hateld my own reflection because I was a cute kid and I had to make myself invisible to everyone because if I let them see the light that was inside of me the light that I thought was gone was still inside of me and I was so scared to show anybody it crippled me, my intire life afraid to be great because everytime I did someone found something sexual in me to a child.
How can they see me a sexual creature when I didn't know what sexuality was.
All I've ever wanted was to be loved to be seen as someone not something to defile. My heart is still not sure what or if my love will ever be recepracated but I know I won't stop trying . A broken heart hurts but a heart that never tried is just sad.
