I cant help but feel angry for motivating myself to work through pain... I've done it my whole life neglecting my body emotionally and physically and telling myself just to push through until my body gave up on me.... i realize now that i should have voiced it when things were going wrong...i have a tendency to put others first and when i started to sense myself fading i should have took time for myself and put me first for once...Depression has plagued me for years and pulled me down deeper waters still...followed by my back injury and pain its been crippling....to reminisce on times of greater energy, stamina, overall health to what i am today it makes me wonder wtf happened....to put it in perspective i feel BROKEN at times .....i get up look into the mirror and wonder where i went....I'm TIRED all the time....getting out of bed is a struggle and at times i have stayed in bed staring at walls with no care in the world for myself... i look at blank walls followed by darkness and wonder what is my purpose and why haven't i found it yet....i wallow in self pitty and wonder why am i still doing this... The answer was simple....i was waging war with myself....i was tired of taking pain meds...i was tired of taking pills that had no effect on helping me sleep...people ask me why i decided to have the surgery and my response is simple i wanted to get back to the old me....i wanted not to be in pain anymore...i wanted to stop taking pills in order to feel good...Depression is nothing more than you battling yourself and i felt that if i had this surgery and it alleviated the pain it was one less thing i had on my mind....sadly after surgery i still have pain not so much my back anymore but the leg....i managed to solve 50% of what was bothering me pain wise and though its not 100% ill still keep pushing through because the ultimate goal is to come back stronger and better than ever....Depression is sinister...it has a tendency to sneak up on you without warning and if you are not strong mentally it can be fatal...All it takes is a word or a memory to trigger and if you're not able to snap yourself out of it you will just be sitting there stuck in a abyss of darkness telling yourself you are not worthy to exist....I've lost friends and family to depression and idk what made me make this post, but to any friends, family, co-workers anybody for that matter out there that need to talk about anything whatever it may be just know that my inbox is open....take it from me a person that used to bottle shit in till i just burst in anger onto somebody else that didn't deserve it.... personally keeping shit in is not a way of dealing with it....I'm thankful enough to have the family and group of Friends that i do otherwise i may not have still been here....✌ and God Bless
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