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I will be...
Her voice broke over the phone when mine did, but she said, “It’s actually pretty nice here.”
We were both avoiding the elephant in the room. We never were particularly brave.
“Are you…” my voice trailed off. A flurry of different ways to end my sentence flooded my brain, but none made it past my mouth. 'Are you safe? Are you okay? Are you happy?'
After a moment of hesitation, Louise whispered, “I will be.” The finality in her tone warned me not to press further.
I missed her. I missed US.
But I had been the one to call things off. I’d been the one to break her heart. I have absolutely no right to demand more of her than she was willing to give me.
I had other burning questions.
“Do you…” my voice trailed off once again - unsure how to finish this sentence, too. 'Do you miss me? Do you regret what we used to be? Do you regret ME?'
My breath caught as I waited for Louise to respond. Was this really going to be my life now? Waiting for her to make the first move, so I know where the boundaries were?
“I - Yes…” Louise’s voice trailed off. I felt the bottom of my stomach give way.
“But - But I still care for you, Everly,” her tone was desperate. Pleading. Willing me to believe the words that fell from her mouth like atomic bombs.
“I just - I can’t let myself care for you in the same way I did before… It’s for my own wellbeing. My friends are still wary of even this level of communication with you…” Louise’s following sob echoed across the phone.
“Y-You really fucked me up, Everly. And- And I know you thought calling things off between us was the healthier call in the long run, but it fucking hurt! After everything we went through… After all the late night and early morning calls… I loved you! And you ended things. You honestly thought that I’d be able to just ‘move on’? That, in itself, tells me that you didn’t know me as well as you claimed.”
She was right. And I hated that fact. I hated that she was right. I hated that I regretted my decision from the moment I muted our chat after typing the relationship-ending words. I hated that despite all of these things, I wouldn’t change my decision for anything in the world.
I was not well. I was not healthy. I was not what Louise deserved. I wanted to be, but I just WASN’T. And I couldn’t bear that any longer.
But how does one begin to communicate that to the one and only person who could bring a smile to my face with just the appearance of her profile picture on my screen? How does one begin to communicate that to someone who was moving on with their life, thousands of kilometres away from me?
You don’t. I don’t.
Instead, I accepted the physical and emotional distance between us. I silently bore the burden of knowing that I was the one to cause this hurt. I was the sole cause of this pain. I only had myself to blame.
Ever the caring soul, Louise’s concerned voice called shakily through my dimmed phone screen, “Everly? Are you - Are you okay?”
Laughing hollowly through my sorrow, I ignored the pitiful sound that clawed up my throat before words finally formed. Deciding to borrow some of Lousie’s own words, I replied, “I will be…”
The silence that followed will haunt me the rest of my days.
Finally - FINALLY - feelings of regret pierced through the indifferent fog that had clouded my body and mind since I called everything off. Before I could voice them, though, Louise’s determined - if shaky - voice ended the tense moment.
“I - I don’t think we should talk anymore, Everly. I know this call started as an olive branch, but you still bring back too many negative feelings. As always, you were right.”
No. This wasn’t how things were meant to happen! SHE was the one who was always right, in the end. I was just an idiot who fucked up when choosing to make decisions alone that SHOULD have been made together!
“You - You were right when you told my friends that you should leave my life. It was a mistake to get in contact again. We’re just hurting each other even more. And I -” another sob. My shattered heart splintered into smaller shards at the sound.
“I can’t handle the feeling of you hurting me, and me hurting you. I just can’t… This is goodbye, Everly.”
No! No no no no no! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry, Louise! I regret everything! We never should’ve - I never should’ve -
“Have a great life, Everly. I hope you find what you were looking for.”
I had no-one but myself to blame as the call cut off - taking Louise away from me forever.
© O.M.A
#writco #writcoapp #shortstory #Love&love #heartbreakquotes #lgbtq #longdistancerelationship #relationships #reflection #mentalhealth
We were both avoiding the elephant in the room. We never were particularly brave.
“Are you…” my voice trailed off. A flurry of different ways to end my sentence flooded my brain, but none made it past my mouth. 'Are you safe? Are you okay? Are you happy?'
After a moment of hesitation, Louise whispered, “I will be.” The finality in her tone warned me not to press further.
I missed her. I missed US.
But I had been the one to call things off. I’d been the one to break her heart. I have absolutely no right to demand more of her than she was willing to give me.
I had other burning questions.
“Do you…” my voice trailed off once again - unsure how to finish this sentence, too. 'Do you miss me? Do you regret what we used to be? Do you regret ME?'
My breath caught as I waited for Louise to respond. Was this really going to be my life now? Waiting for her to make the first move, so I know where the boundaries were?
“I - Yes…” Louise’s voice trailed off. I felt the bottom of my stomach give way.
“But - But I still care for you, Everly,” her tone was desperate. Pleading. Willing me to believe the words that fell from her mouth like atomic bombs.
“I just - I can’t let myself care for you in the same way I did before… It’s for my own wellbeing. My friends are still wary of even this level of communication with you…” Louise’s following sob echoed across the phone.
“Y-You really fucked me up, Everly. And- And I know you thought calling things off between us was the healthier call in the long run, but it fucking hurt! After everything we went through… After all the late night and early morning calls… I loved you! And you ended things. You honestly thought that I’d be able to just ‘move on’? That, in itself, tells me that you didn’t know me as well as you claimed.”
She was right. And I hated that fact. I hated that she was right. I hated that I regretted my decision from the moment I muted our chat after typing the relationship-ending words. I hated that despite all of these things, I wouldn’t change my decision for anything in the world.
I was not well. I was not healthy. I was not what Louise deserved. I wanted to be, but I just WASN’T. And I couldn’t bear that any longer.
But how does one begin to communicate that to the one and only person who could bring a smile to my face with just the appearance of her profile picture on my screen? How does one begin to communicate that to someone who was moving on with their life, thousands of kilometres away from me?
You don’t. I don’t.
Instead, I accepted the physical and emotional distance between us. I silently bore the burden of knowing that I was the one to cause this hurt. I was the sole cause of this pain. I only had myself to blame.
Ever the caring soul, Louise’s concerned voice called shakily through my dimmed phone screen, “Everly? Are you - Are you okay?”
Laughing hollowly through my sorrow, I ignored the pitiful sound that clawed up my throat before words finally formed. Deciding to borrow some of Lousie’s own words, I replied, “I will be…”
The silence that followed will haunt me the rest of my days.
Finally - FINALLY - feelings of regret pierced through the indifferent fog that had clouded my body and mind since I called everything off. Before I could voice them, though, Louise’s determined - if shaky - voice ended the tense moment.
“I - I don’t think we should talk anymore, Everly. I know this call started as an olive branch, but you still bring back too many negative feelings. As always, you were right.”
No. This wasn’t how things were meant to happen! SHE was the one who was always right, in the end. I was just an idiot who fucked up when choosing to make decisions alone that SHOULD have been made together!
“You - You were right when you told my friends that you should leave my life. It was a mistake to get in contact again. We’re just hurting each other even more. And I -” another sob. My shattered heart splintered into smaller shards at the sound.
“I can’t handle the feeling of you hurting me, and me hurting you. I just can’t… This is goodbye, Everly.”
No! No no no no no! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry, Louise! I regret everything! We never should’ve - I never should’ve -
“Have a great life, Everly. I hope you find what you were looking for.”
I had no-one but myself to blame as the call cut off - taking Louise away from me forever.
© O.M.A
#writco #writcoapp #shortstory #Love&love #heartbreakquotes #lgbtq #longdistancerelationship #relationships #reflection #mentalhealth
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