For many years she found pure enjoyment secretly seeking out the innocent, reaching into the depth of their happiness only to rip it from their existence.  Her motive, to steal from them what for so long she had been missing from her life.  Misery is brought upon all in the presence of her company.  She can't help but feel she was born into that of a depraved world since the beginning of time, relinquished from the very hands that created it and angered by what he had done. 

She has spent a lifetime filled with unhappiness and hoping that each new day would be her last.  She is powerless to the iniquity that has overtaken her.  A dark presence has consumed her soul and now she must separate herself from the living.  Only to continue to stay would be perpetual punishment to her and for those who love her the most.   She can no longer endure the pain she has carried for so long, searching with great effort for relief with no success.

She finds herself standing at the edge of a cliff watching the waves crash against the rocks below.  Tormented by the voice that reminds her of the prosperity those will gain by her death. Looking up at the cloudless sky above a soft cool breeze brushes her face and for the first time she feels a sense of serenity.  She closes her eyes and breathes in the salty sea air.  Ghastly images of a broken life begin running trough her mind like a train speeding out of control about to jump track, killing that moment of peace.  Frightened, she gasps for breath nearly losing her balance that almost sent her over.

She wraps her arms around her waist, doubled over with pain and crying uncontrollably.  She screams out, "I can't take this anymore. Free me from this infinite  hurt."  She falls to her knees with exhaustion and skinning them up from rocks hidden by the grass.  Seagulls perched on the cliff beside her begin to coo.  "Shut the fuck up," she hollers out.  She picks up one of the rocks throwing it, hitting one of them in the head and the others quickly fly off. 

Emptied inside of all emotion she struggles to find the strength to stand to her feet.  She looks down again at the water below, focusing her eyes on a rock that would be her target. Contemplating on what she was about to do but knowing in her heart it had to be done.  She had to free her family from this torment and she had to free herself.  She takes out the suicide letter she had written to them, reading it one last time.

"My Dearest Family,

Please understand why I have done this.  Your life will go and prosper now that I have killed the evilness that once tried to devour it.  A sense of relief you must feel now, finally you can breathe. During my life I caused you all great hurt and for that I am sorry.  The pain became too unbearable and my reasoning for living was worthless.  No grievance should anyone bare.  There are no good times to remember and forgetting me should be easy.  Even though there were not many times I may have shown you any love but know in your heart I did.  Don't come to visit my place of rest for it will only hurt you.  Now you can move on with your lives with the security of knowing only a lifetime filled with happiness lies ahead.  Take care all of you."

She stands there in complete silence looking out at the calmness of the sea and her fear subsides for a moment.  She folds the letter up and places it in between the pages of a journal revealing secrets she had kept hidden from her family of a sinful life in which she had lived.  She turned to go back to her car when her breath was taken by an image seen in the setting sun, her father's face.  Tears begin to fall down her cheeks.  What had she done?  What would be the death of him?  Learning of his beloved daughter's obscured life or the affliction brought upon him by her death?  Others will go on with their lives but for her father, the pain will be too hard to bare.  Will he end up at this cliff?  She couldn't think about that now, this had to be done.

She walked over to her car and sat down in the backseat.  She was so tired and wanted to lie down but the sun was about to set and eternal rest would come soon enough.  She started flipping through the pages of her journal.  One page caught her eye with its blood stained finger prints.  She remembers that entry.  That day almost took her life.

September 21 ~ They want stop. They are laughing and whispering in my ear.  Everywhere I go I hear them.  I try to sleep but they torment me in my dreams.  I can't escape them.  I am so filled with fear and hostility.  I cut myself daily.  The cuts are too many too hide and now the wounds are visible.  I have tried to stop.  It is just, it is such a high and for a brief moment the pain helps me to forget about them.  Their voice horrifies me.  I sit in the dark because I am afraid of seeing them.  I just cut myself down the nape of my neck.  This time it took my breath.  I feel the warmth of the blood trickling down my back.  I felt to see the extent of the cut, the gash was deep and my hand is drenched in blood.  This was a good one.  Another day fell short of being my last.  Good night.

She closes up the journal and places it on the drivers seat in hope that it would be found by her family.  They needed an understanding of the pure hell that she had put them through.  Her life, for some time, had not been her own and now it is at its worse.  Her family always felt something was wrong even at an early age.  They sought help once for her depression and when that didn't work, they didn't care to look into any other options.  She separated herself from those who dearly loved her and making friends was not easy. 

She wanted to be close to her family but the very thought of opening up to their affection or love sickened her.  The hate that consumed her would not allow it.  She hated their blessedness, angered by the gratifying abundant life they lived.  Their prize possession was the closeness they shared with one another.  Why would she even attempt to be a part of that?  She didn't need them nor their feign love.  They had pulled themselves away from her a long time ago as if they were ashamed of her being their daughter.  She felt her and her father could have had a wonderful relationship but her mother would not allow it and he was scared of her too.

As far back as she could remember she never had a close relationship with her mother nor can she remember feeling her love.  At the age of five her mother became pregnant with a little boy but complications arose and the doctors told her mother he would not live but only a couple hours after birth.  She remembers the nursery being decorated in Mickey Mouse and clothes filled the closet.  She was not allowed to go to the hospital when Benjamin was born and that angered her.  Benjamin passed away two hours after her mother giving birth and everything they knew spiraled quickly out of control. 

That was when she first felt the distance between her and her mother.  It was like her mom blamed her for having life but Benjamin didn't.  It seemed like her mom took everything out on her no matter what the case might be and no matter what she did, she never made her mother happy.  Her family lived less than a mile from school and they made her walk home everyday. There would be days when she would open up the door and her mom would come out from behind and start beating her with a belt.  When she would ask her mother why she got a spanking her mom would say, "I am the mother and I don't owe you an answer.  If I spanked you then you deserved it."  This seem to go on for years and she had become so accustomed to this routine that she would stop as soon as she walked through the doors, waiting. 

A few years later her mother became pregnant again and this time the doctors told her they did not see any complications and it was going to be a boy.  Her mother came to life and everybody was happy.  She remembers life at home was quiet enjoyable and they would have family outings on Saturdays.  Matthew was born in December and this time they let her come to the hospital.  She remembers leaving with her father to go home and make sure everything was ready for when they came home from the hospital.  On the ride home her father said something she would never forget.  He said, "When your mom and brother comes home you stay in your room because mommy will only want to be with brother."  She turned and looked out the window, tears fell from her eyes but she dared not to let her father see her crying.  After helping her father make the baby bed she went to her room as ordered and waited.  She sat quietly waiting to hear them come home with her new brother. 

Matthew became the center of her mother's life and she was kept in the background.  There were many times they would hire a babysitter to watch her while her dad, mom, and Matthew went on vacations leaving her at home.  She began growing hatred toward her brother and as it was with her parents, she did not have a close relationship with him either. 

She finally came to the point where she did not care anymore and fell deeper into depression. Life had never been what she had hoped it to be and any opportunity for success in life was doubtful.  The sun had set and it was completely dark.  She looked around to see if any were there to witness but she was all alone.  She took a deep breath, reminded herself why this had to be done, and closed her car door, taking one last look to be sure the journal was where she had placed it.

She walked over to the cliff and knelt down on her knees.  She began to pray out to God;

"Thy heavenly Father above I come to you now asking you to forgive me of all my iniquities.  God I have spent many years in battle with the adversary and I let him in control of my life while turning my back on you.  For that I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  I know that I am about to meet my fate and will be cast into hell for all eternity.  I am not asking you to save my soul now for it is too late.  Your word tells us that you will never leave us nor forsake us.  God where were you at all those nights I cried out to you begging you to make them stop?  Where were you when I was curled in a fetal position afraid to move because they were circled around me?  God there were many times I cried out to you begging you to please save me from this torment but nothing.  I had no strength of my own or the power to defeat the entity that took precedence of my soul, You were my only hope and You turned your back on me.  I never left You, I only went astray.  Are You my Father?  Where was Your guidance when You saw me falling more and more into temptation?  Your word also tells us there is a reason for everything that we go through.  Tell me, what possibly was your reasoning for letting me live through pure hell everyday of my life?  What purpose was it for?  I was defeated and I fought this battle alone.  I fought this battle alone.  God I am asking you now to take care of my family.  Cleanse them from all evilness that will still try to attack them after I am gone.  Have mercy on their soul.  God, I am not asking You to forgive me for what I am about to do because if I was a life worth saving You would have stopped this long ago.  I have to bring this entity to  its death.  There is no other answer.  There is no other hope. For it is in Your name Father I pray this to You, amen."

As she looks at the rocks below, waves crashing against them, she begins to weep and fear consumes her.  She does not have the strength to go another day.  The demons know they have her and they will not let her go.  She belongs to them now.

She wipes the tears from her eyes and stands to her feet.  Trembling inside and filled with fear, she met her destiny.


© Brandi Campbell