You stood on the altar watching your husband to be sweat profusely, you smile at him and you take a deep breath trying not to think a time you were truly happy, a time you didn’t know this man’s name and his hands haven’t made a home your body like it was his. The reason you hate hospitals, It was 4:00pm and You had just returned from your Bible class in church.
You were ten years old and as a growing child , you had strange feelings. Of course, you couldn't talk about this with your mother because you felt unholy, dirty, like the rag on her kitchen floor.
Your family had a gateman who was a member of the church as well, Mr. Samuel. He had a daughter a year older than You were.
You remember her name and her expression when You give her some of your father's Swedish chocolate. She’d talk with her mouth full, rolling her eyes like she had just seen God in the blackness of that chocolate.
"Your family enjoys oh, Bola"
You’d smile and urge her to eat slowly. Father had no idea You were feeding her, he thought since they were newcomers You would teach her about Jesus that's why he never interrupted the mid-evening sessions.
Chichi, yes chichi was her name, She always wore a shirt with a football patch on the front. It was a little torn by the side and You could see her stomach through the hole, sometimes You wanted to learn how to sew to patch her clothes. Sometimes You watched mother stir her food, you imagine if she’d eat well if you could stir the food like that, so you’d beg mother to let you turn the stir the soup. You would see her other expressions from other foods. You wanted to do a lot of things for her, back then you thought it was empathy but now you don't know.
You watched her look outside your window after eating the chocolate and she stared at her father sleeping.
"That's what my father was doing when your father was making money," She said to you pointing at Mr. Samuel.
You wished you had said
“my father should have slept more so he'd be happier like Mr. Samuel”
but You said nothing, you didn't want to interrupt chichi.
You never did, she had a lot of interesting stories to tell. she told you about a magazine of women naked underneath her father’s bed. You wonder why women would expose their bodies
“ our bodies are the temple of God”you told Chichi who nodded. You walked away from the window and you glared at her face, chichi had tiny lips and her cheeks would go red when she laughs. she was a pretty girl , she reminded you of your teacher in school. Miss Beth , she was the most beautiful person you knew at that time.
" Have you ever kissed someone," Chichi asked you
"No, I haven't and you?".
"Yes I kissed a boy in my school" she whispered to you and You felt anger lodging in your throat, maybe because she had kissed someone before you or Maybe because she kissed someone who wasn’t you ?
"How was it," You asked her
"His mouth tasted like rice," she said with a disgusting look on her face
"Rice?, Ewwww," You said in revulsion.
"Yes but I don't think everybody's mouth tastes the same," she sounded like an expert, it made your skin boil.
"Can I taste yours" she pleaded
"Okay but just fast fast” You were nervous and sweaty. It was wrong, what if father came in at that moment. You kept thinking.
She walked towards you and you moved back to the reading table in the corner of your room, away from the window's view, away from God’s view.
she planted her lips on yours and it was soft. You both stayed that way for a moment and she removed her lips with an muah sound.
You cleaned your lips to clear all evidence of the kiss, father would know. When you are eating he'd look at your lips and he would see that you had kissed someone. You thought to yourself , still cleaning your lips with your palm.
"Why did you say mmmm uah", You inquired.
" I don't know that, that's what people say when they kiss," she smiled, her eyes shamelessly glittering like she didn’t know God would be mad at the both of you, you thought.
"Does this mean we are married now?" You asked stupidly.
"I think so," She responded.
"But you kissed that boy in your school," You said in jealousy.
"I'd marry only you Ada" she reassured you and you belived her like you haven't read the story of Adam and Eve, how he was man and she was woman. Your door opened, father stood there. He held his briefcase and You almost passed out in fear,
"Ah Chichi my girl, you came," Your father said, patting her head.
"Good evening sir welcome". She prostrated to greet your father.
" oshey omo mi" Your father said and he asked her to stand up.
"Welcome daddy" You nervously greeted him and you pushed your lips into your mouth to hide the kiss away from him. To hide the marriage arrangements between you and chichi.
"Ehn Bola, how are you " father asked,
"I'm fine daddy". He left for his room and as days went by Chichi would come to your room for the supposed gospel time.
You never kissed again after then but she’d write you short love letters in her bad handwriting and You would keep them for two days after getting them, then You would chew it and swallow. Like that would make you closer, father could see the kiss but he could never catch Chichi’s words in your stomach. They were yours now and they belong in your stomach, in your body.
" Ada, chocolate is my best thing in the world but I like you before chocolate"
You’d write back
"Chichi, you are a good girl. I like you like daddy and mummy and Jesus".
You exchanged these notes and you would just hold hands and talk about the mysteries of the world through your eyes. like why doesn’t the sky fall down or if lightning strikes across the sky does that mean God is taking pictures on his camera ?
One day Chichi came with a cardboard cut out of into a love shape and an eraser she was given in school for being the best in a quiz.
" this is my gift for helping me with my test, I love you-from chichi to Ada”
She wrote on pink love-shaped paper.
You smiled and you accepted it holding her hands,
The door opened immediately and father stood there like a ghost looking at you, your heart leaped onto your tongue and you could barely taste anything , You quickly stood up but you were still holding chichi’s hand.
He was frozen with shock and he said nothing for a while and he looked at the love-shaped cardboard on the floor.
"Bola so this is what you do," he walked towards the paper and he picked it up. His eyes got bigger and huge.
"What!!!” He yelled removing his belt gradually and you moved back. Your father's anger swallowed the room, it swallowed Chichi too.
Your father looked outside the window and screamed to chichi’s father
" Samuel, Samuel you are fired, get out of my compound and never return". You couldn't turn back to see the disappointment on Mr. Samuel's face.
"You, child of satan. Dirty-minded girl. Go and tell your father how you have corrupted my daughter" he turned with his finger pointing to chichi.
Chichi ran away sobbing
" you, you allowed the devil to influence you" his anger spoke through his voice.
"I'm sorry daddy " You knelt crying.
"Nooo Ada, so you are a lesbian" Your father's lips was the first time You ever heard you are different, that there was a name for your feelings, that maybe people like you existed out there.
You were still crying and he asked in rage
"What does the book of proverb say about sinners? ``He held your little face in his palm and he squeezed it hard.
"My son if sinners entice thee consent thou not" You were already shaking.
The belt landed on your body and you wrapped your face into my chest to protect your lips.
Your skin tore from each time the belt landed on your body, he was angry. His anger was removing your flesh and you protected Ade's words in my stomach, You were protecting your lips. You were protecting Chichi. You were getting weaker and you could hear your mother sobbing faintly
" you will kill her oh, aaaaaah you will kill her oh " she was crying.
Your father didn't stop, he didn't stop and you finally passed out. you woke up in the hospital tied to the bed with your pastor and some church members besides the bed.
They were casting out some demon, you thought of where the demon was hiding and why they were focused on you .
Father's eyes were bloodshot red and your mother was still crying. You closed your eyes again and you slept off despite how loud the exorcism was.
You woke up some days later and your mother was beside you whispering gently
"You'll live, you would not die"
the heat on her breath fell on your face and you held her expression in your mind, the fear, the pain!
"Let's go, the doctor said we can take her home now" father walked into the room with his anger still lingering In his words, You didn't want to go back home. Chichi would never visit you again, You would never see her again. You could feel your chest fighting for air and you just closed your eyes to avoid your father's stare.
The ride home was a quiet one, Your body carrying the story of this unspeakable sin and its consequences. Your mother’s lips were preparing to speak but saying nothing, she let out a sigh every and then like her body was filled with the pain and this was the only way to let it out. When you got to your house, father commanded you to get down from the car. He pulled you into the house and your mother followed helplessly begging behind you, you both knew you were getting another round of prayers. He asked you to kneel in the corridor, your knees fell slowly to the floor feeling the cold tiles inside my bones.
“Father, I bring this girl to you, you said it in your word that we shall reap the fruits of our labor. Lord this is my labor, this is my flesh. Heal her from her perversions, remove the filth, remove the darkness! she would marry a God fearing man and her life shall be a testimony in your name “ his hand shaking your head as if to empty it, as if to pull chichi’s image out of you.
Your mother screamed amen to everything he said, like she agreed you are filthy. At that moment, You were angry with God. How could he create somebody like you, such a dirty thing. you thought . How did you come about if you are against his will, your whole body ached from their voice. You tried to pretend you were not tired but you couldn’t, the night was silent except for their loud prayers. Maybe God needed this to save you, the screams from your father’s angry throat. Your mother’s tears staining the cold tiles, your bruised body trying hard to be unmoved by it all.
“do you take this man as your lawfully wedded husband”
the pastor said to you and you looked at the stranger you were about to marry, then you turned towards the crowd to look at Chichi. She invited herself to wedding, she was already a wild woman. A portrait of a woman that has fallen from grace but you love her, you never stopped even after all these years. You met again in the university two years ago and she kissed in the toilet of an overcrowded club, you kissed her back. When your mother introduced Steven, the man you’re about to marry. You told Chichi, you cried in her arms and she threatened to stab him. She asked you to run away with her, She told you she’d buy you chocolates and she kissed you softly and promised that this love wasn’t unholy. but you agreed to marry Steven, you hid your disgust when he kissed you.
You stood staring at chichi’s eyes that explained the sadness in them to you, you walked from the altar like the church was empty. She smiled brightly, stood up as you held her hands, you pulled her away. a cliche runaway bride, the gown flowing behind you, you ran away from your father’s anger, your mother’s fear. from God, his wrath, your heart leaping in joy. You looked besides you, Chichi wearing a huge smile.
You yell
“I love you”
she gasp for air and stops, the world pauses for a minute.
“I love you Ada” she pulls you in for a hug that lasts forever, fuck it you're going to hell for this woman and maybe this what heaven feels like.

© Hope