I've always wanted to date someone like Sandrine. She's the girl I think who's perfect for me. If there ever is such a thing.
I met her through a co-worker of mine, Alex, who put us on a blind date in a local diner.
We instantly hit it off.
I mean, everything that caused me to end my previous relationships just wasn't the case with Sandrine.
She likes games.
She eats raw fish.
She doesn't bother me not exercising for abs.
She is very open when I talk to her about the dirtiest stuff ever.
Well you can say I've had four past relationships that ended in these specific order , and these downs that those girls broke up with me for, is not an issue with Sandrine.
I thought to myself, she is the one.
So when we went out again for our second date, planned to kiss her and admit it to her that I really like her, I was thrilled.
We were on a bridge at a park, and it was almost ten in the evening. The moonlight was perfect, and I thought this was it. This was going to be our first kiss .
I called her name, and she looked my way, and I know she knows what's going to happen next.
So I inched myself closer, and closer.
I was about to kiss her when suddenly, she put a finger to my lips, startling me.
I felt so embarrassed.
I immediately took back what I thought. That maybe this was way too early to consider she was the one, or maybe she doesn't like me the way I like her and that this was going to end sooner than I'd expect, but her next words shocked me.

"I haven't kissed anyone." She said .

I wasn't sure how to react. I didn't believer her at first.

"I know, I know. But I'm telling the truth." Sandrine said, as if she read my mind.

"But you've dated before?" I asked, confusedly.

Sandrine nodded. I could see there was something big coming.
A revelation.

"I should've told you this sooner."

Uh oh. Here it comes.

"I'm a nun."

•••

What? That was the least of my expectations, ever.

"You're a n-nun? A nun-nun?" I said dumbly.

"As in married to Jesus, nun." Sandrine said.

"Are you joking?" I said to her, slightly pissed.

This cannot be the reason why Sandrine was so perfect to me. She couldn't be a nun.

"Well, not officially. I'm thinking of not doing the vows." She explained.

Sandrine told me that we should sit down to talk and so we sat on a nearby bench, just trying to wait for the awkwardness to dissipate.

I can't believe I almost kissed a nun.

"There's this period of our journey in becoming a nun, you can call it vacation, and it's like a path to decide if one really wants to pursue nunnery or not." She looked at me.

"I'm not so sure of that path anymore." She added.

"How long have you been in ...vacation?" I said, quoting her words.

"Two years." She responded. "And I don't think I'm coming back."

"Can I ask what changed your mind?"

Sandrine looked at me.

"I fell in love. Two years ago. But he was in the army and I was still unsure of that time if I really wanted it. So yeah."

"This is why you haven't kissed anyone? What about before you went into the convent?" I asked.

Sandrine shook her head."I've been practically born into it. This is the only period of freedom I got since. I was adopted by the parish. They educated me, and taught me stuff. So that religious path was clear for me from the very beginning, but now I'm not so sure."

I was taking all of this in. The sincerity in Sandrine's eyes told me everything's true.

There was a short silence.

"Anyway, since then I went out with two more guys, but everytime I mentioned to them I'm a nun, they panic and run away." she said.

"No, they do stick for a while, but after knowing I didn't want to be kissed, they leave." She added .

"Maybe next time say that you're not exactly a nun, say you used to want to become one, because we know that's not true now." I suggested .

Sandrine laughed. "It's actually fun to say that."

It's not a joke. I wanted to say to her, but I didn't. I was more caught on the other thing.

"Why don't you want to be kissed?"

Sandrine sighed heavily.
"I know this is not normal, and it's crazy. I think you would disagree, but for me, a kiss is special." She said.
"It's like an act out of love, and only when I do know that I really love someone am I willing to be kissed."

"You mean let the guy wait?"

"That's exactly it. We don't need to kiss right away, right. Because the moment we let each other touch our bodies and kiss our faces, we become slaves to lust, forgetting to discover what love is about. We mistake lust for love, and vice versa, and I don't want that. We have to know each other first." She said.

All I can say after that was, "wow."

Sandrine laughed. "I'm sorry, but if it's my body that you're after, you're out." She said.

I shook my head.

"No, no." I touched her hand. "It's you I like."

So we made agreements. The one thing we could do is hold each other's hands or even at best is hug.
I was 27, and agreeing to something like this. It seemed youthful to me, but I respected Sandrine. She was not like any other girl out there, and I'm willing to wait for her to love me.

We went out mostly on weekends. Movies, date night. We talked about a lot of stuff.
One thing I can say though for weeks, and months into being with someone without the physicality, we become closer to each other in a way that I can only describe as spiritual. Every moment I spend a day with her, my feelings for Sandrine just became stronger and stronger. And I knew she felt the same.

We've been going out for eleven months now, and for me it's been a long time. I planned to confront her in our one year anniversary if what she really felt for me was real, so then I could ask her to marry me.

But she didn't show.

For our one year anniversary, she called in sick, and didn't want me to come.
Sandrine kept acting like this for weeks, until I could no longer stand it and so I went to her apartment.

She was crying when she opened the door for me.
Her eyes were red, and she looked tired .

"What's wrong?" I asked.

I hugged her, and she hugged me back. I held her there for a while in the silence.
My heart was beating so fast.
I wanted to kiss her so bad.
Then Sandrine looked up at me.
I thought that was it.

I was about to kiss her.

She pulled away.

This angered me.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this." She said.

"Do what? What do you mean?"

"I don't think I love you." She said.

"Bullshit!" I said. "Don't lie to me Sandrine! One year together and that was all for nothing?! What the hell are you holding back?"

"N-nothing, nothing." She said. "I knew you'd react this way. I just don't think you're..."

"Cut the crap, Sandrine. You do not get to walk away this time. You do not get to treat me like one of your exes or past lovers, No!" I said .

"Will you just calm down? This is my place!" She said .

"What's your deal, huh? Why are you acting like a bitch? Pretending you don't like me. If you didn't why hold on to me for so long, why didn't you just cut things off earlier?!" I said.

"I'm sorry!" She finally said.

Sandrine was crying now. "It's not you. I think I'm scared. And it's because I don't know if this is real or not. "

I tried to approach her but she held a hand to stop me.

"I'm sorry for what I put you through all this time. I think it's best if we break up" She said .

"What?"

"I know it now. I don't love you. " She said simply.

"I can't believe you right now. All those times, and this is what you want to say?"

"It's the truth, you will thank me later because if I put up with you, we will only cause each other pain."

I couldn't even speak to her. All I hear is my heart and her words ringing over and over my head, that she didn't love me.

I pulled out the ring and threw it at her feet. I felt like a joke, and I played her game. She just wanted me for experience, and not for real things. Like love. She could've just said something to me.

I left without looking back at her. I felt so down and empty about myself. Maybe it was because Im so desperate of finding someone like her that I immediately clutched onto the prospect of finding a happy ending with Sandrine.
Still, it hurts like hell.

I didn't see Sandrine again for a long time. I figured maybe she did become a nun.

I thought about how she wasn't afraid of being kissed at all. It was her fear of love and her stupid philosophy.

Wherever she is I hope she doesn't feel the same pain she put me through.

I change my mind. I'm not hoping to date someone like Sandrine.

May my next love be different.







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