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Mental issues
I have mental issues, if it wasn't apparent. I like calling them issues because problems sound like you gotta fix them, and issues sound like you got a subscription. It's like going to the pharmacy and getting your prescription, and your subscription. They hand you your giant bag of goodies.
First I'd pull out is autism. Best excuse, or at least my favorite excuse, I use it for anything, almost like a weapon. People will be like, "why no eye contact?" "Why you like numbers so much?" " Why you talking to self?" And I would answer, "Because I'm autistic."
Second thing I would pull out is my enormous God complex. I am everyone, or at least I belive I am, and I am everything. When I talk, I use everyone as a note pad, I don't actually care if you're listening, or what you have to say, I just was to hear myself say fun, cool, and intelligent things. So really, I'm not talking to you, I'm just talking to me. "I ain't f*ckin you, I'm just f#*kin another me!"
Third on the list of issues would be, autoeurotica. Which is when one is sexually attracted to themself. Except I have zero sex drive, so I'm not really sexually attracted to myself, but I definitely love how I look and can look at myself in pictures and the mirror for a long period of time. My girlfriend can change that zero into a 1% sexdrive, and all she has to do is touch me. "My girlfriend says that I'm gay and she isn't because I identify as a woman and she still sucks my d*ck!" I'm actually getting it cut off, because I don't want it. The government will give me a vagina before fixing my teeth. I went to the doctor and said my teeth have holes and the doctor was like, "Holes? What's all this talk about holes? I'll give you a hole, down here!"
Fourth in line is split mind personality. There is me and my mind, and I am painfully aware that they are two separate persons, for instance, there is me, " I like flowers, that's a nice dress, oh my, she's really pretty!" And my mind is like," It's just a human, and she's wearing f*ckin jeans, her license plate says aus177 and expires in May 2024, and she's going into the grocery store...... let's go to the grocery store!" My mind is also like, "Nothing actually matters, Nihilist, Nihilism, Nihil ism, I'm autistic.
Number 5, I am an ego maniac. I am my favorite person, always. I have 8000 photos on my phone, And I am in all of them. My lockscreen and home screen is a picture of me. When I'm sad, I look at them to feel better. When I look in a mirror I'm like " I'd love to be inside you! Oh wait, I already am inside you!" My ego is so inflated I only call out my own name during sex, I'm like, "Oh God!"
Sixth, Narcissistic personality traits. I think I am the best. Everything is a competition in my head, I'm always trying to be the best, or win, and I'm always like, "Look at me, I did it, I won the race!" And everyone else would be like, "Didn't know this was a race."
Seventh issue, I have gender disphororia. I have a specific doctor for this one, and she has me on estrogen now, or for a year and a half, so now I have feelings. So now, not only do it think I'm the best, but now I feel bad about it. "I did it! ugh, here, I'll help. Them f*kkin stairs, left foot right foot, get with the program kid." Sometimes I race imaginary children to top of stairs to make myself feel better. Whether or not i can actually win a race to the top of the stairs against a child, they definitely can reach the bottom faster if I trip them. Kids falling down stairs sound like a dubstep song "Bdbdndbdbdvdvd waaaah!"
Number 8, I'm psychotic. Remember, I just pushed an imaginary child down the stairs for a petty laugh. I get violent in my head sometimes. I went to the hospital because I wanted to kill someone. I got to the hospital and they were like, "What brings you in today?" And I'm like, "I would like to kill someone." And they were like, "Here, come with us." Skipped the line*. They put me in a white room with a gray door and had 2 security guards outside, and i waited for the doctor, to which finally showed up and was like, "I hear that you want to kill someone?" And I was like, "Yep." And he was like, "Do you have a weapon?" And i was like, "I am the weapon!" Then i was diagnosed psychotic, given anti psychotics and a room to stay in for a week before they let me out, and to this day, I still have that bottle of anti psychotics.
Nine! Hyper obsessive. I'm really obsessive, over everything, food, video games, music, anything, because I'm autistic. I obsess over everything. Remember 88 days ago? My brain was like, "Slap me sum german girl, bitte!" I made up most of that obsession in my head. It was a weird one, even for me. Remember 4 years ago when I first tried acid? And ate like 400 tabs in the span of a year? Remember when I met my girlfriend and I wanted to be with her 100% of the time, so I brought her to work, even though my boss at the time said I wasn't allowed to, but I did anyway? Yeah, I remember, and this is just the surface of how obsessive I can get. I broke it down to It's either I'm God or I'm Joe Goldberg, without the dead bodies, yet. I'm lucky my girlfriend stays home all the time, or I guess she's lucky.
Tenth issue, I am a genius. May not look it, or sound it, and maybe just not believable, but I am. And only a genius would consider it a mental issue. It's loney, because anytime I get to talk about something intelligent, everyone around me thinks that I'm the dumb one. I'd give you an example, but you'd all think that I'm the dumb one. I'd much rather be dumb and enjoy things like hockey, or listen to Taylor swift, or go to the grocery store wearing jeans.
This was a 7 minute comedy set I wrote and performed a month prior, and I decided to write it out. Doesn't hit as hard compared to a live performance, but I believe it's worth the read. So in fairness, I do have these mental issues, but I exaggerated they a little bit, just a little, I don't actually push kids down the stairs, but I did go to the hospital because I wanted to kill someone.
© Envelope Penelope
First I'd pull out is autism. Best excuse, or at least my favorite excuse, I use it for anything, almost like a weapon. People will be like, "why no eye contact?" "Why you like numbers so much?" " Why you talking to self?" And I would answer, "Because I'm autistic."
Second thing I would pull out is my enormous God complex. I am everyone, or at least I belive I am, and I am everything. When I talk, I use everyone as a note pad, I don't actually care if you're listening, or what you have to say, I just was to hear myself say fun, cool, and intelligent things. So really, I'm not talking to you, I'm just talking to me. "I ain't f*ckin you, I'm just f#*kin another me!"
Third on the list of issues would be, autoeurotica. Which is when one is sexually attracted to themself. Except I have zero sex drive, so I'm not really sexually attracted to myself, but I definitely love how I look and can look at myself in pictures and the mirror for a long period of time. My girlfriend can change that zero into a 1% sexdrive, and all she has to do is touch me. "My girlfriend says that I'm gay and she isn't because I identify as a woman and she still sucks my d*ck!" I'm actually getting it cut off, because I don't want it. The government will give me a vagina before fixing my teeth. I went to the doctor and said my teeth have holes and the doctor was like, "Holes? What's all this talk about holes? I'll give you a hole, down here!"
Fourth in line is split mind personality. There is me and my mind, and I am painfully aware that they are two separate persons, for instance, there is me, " I like flowers, that's a nice dress, oh my, she's really pretty!" And my mind is like," It's just a human, and she's wearing f*ckin jeans, her license plate says aus177 and expires in May 2024, and she's going into the grocery store...... let's go to the grocery store!" My mind is also like, "Nothing actually matters, Nihilist, Nihilism, Nihil ism, I'm autistic.
Number 5, I am an ego maniac. I am my favorite person, always. I have 8000 photos on my phone, And I am in all of them. My lockscreen and home screen is a picture of me. When I'm sad, I look at them to feel better. When I look in a mirror I'm like " I'd love to be inside you! Oh wait, I already am inside you!" My ego is so inflated I only call out my own name during sex, I'm like, "Oh God!"
Sixth, Narcissistic personality traits. I think I am the best. Everything is a competition in my head, I'm always trying to be the best, or win, and I'm always like, "Look at me, I did it, I won the race!" And everyone else would be like, "Didn't know this was a race."
Seventh issue, I have gender disphororia. I have a specific doctor for this one, and she has me on estrogen now, or for a year and a half, so now I have feelings. So now, not only do it think I'm the best, but now I feel bad about it. "I did it! ugh, here, I'll help. Them f*kkin stairs, left foot right foot, get with the program kid." Sometimes I race imaginary children to top of stairs to make myself feel better. Whether or not i can actually win a race to the top of the stairs against a child, they definitely can reach the bottom faster if I trip them. Kids falling down stairs sound like a dubstep song "Bdbdndbdbdvdvd waaaah!"
Number 8, I'm psychotic. Remember, I just pushed an imaginary child down the stairs for a petty laugh. I get violent in my head sometimes. I went to the hospital because I wanted to kill someone. I got to the hospital and they were like, "What brings you in today?" And I'm like, "I would like to kill someone." And they were like, "Here, come with us." Skipped the line*. They put me in a white room with a gray door and had 2 security guards outside, and i waited for the doctor, to which finally showed up and was like, "I hear that you want to kill someone?" And I was like, "Yep." And he was like, "Do you have a weapon?" And i was like, "I am the weapon!" Then i was diagnosed psychotic, given anti psychotics and a room to stay in for a week before they let me out, and to this day, I still have that bottle of anti psychotics.
Nine! Hyper obsessive. I'm really obsessive, over everything, food, video games, music, anything, because I'm autistic. I obsess over everything. Remember 88 days ago? My brain was like, "Slap me sum german girl, bitte!" I made up most of that obsession in my head. It was a weird one, even for me. Remember 4 years ago when I first tried acid? And ate like 400 tabs in the span of a year? Remember when I met my girlfriend and I wanted to be with her 100% of the time, so I brought her to work, even though my boss at the time said I wasn't allowed to, but I did anyway? Yeah, I remember, and this is just the surface of how obsessive I can get. I broke it down to It's either I'm God or I'm Joe Goldberg, without the dead bodies, yet. I'm lucky my girlfriend stays home all the time, or I guess she's lucky.
Tenth issue, I am a genius. May not look it, or sound it, and maybe just not believable, but I am. And only a genius would consider it a mental issue. It's loney, because anytime I get to talk about something intelligent, everyone around me thinks that I'm the dumb one. I'd give you an example, but you'd all think that I'm the dumb one. I'd much rather be dumb and enjoy things like hockey, or listen to Taylor swift, or go to the grocery store wearing jeans.
This was a 7 minute comedy set I wrote and performed a month prior, and I decided to write it out. Doesn't hit as hard compared to a live performance, but I believe it's worth the read. So in fairness, I do have these mental issues, but I exaggerated they a little bit, just a little, I don't actually push kids down the stairs, but I did go to the hospital because I wanted to kill someone.
© Envelope Penelope
