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Now I Know
For most of my life, I didn't understand the reasons that motivated my Stepfather to do so many things.
Now decades and lifetimes it seems, have passed. I still struggle at times to find the most precise descriptive vocabulary to express these events, and other times I find the words flow through me like water and it's as if I'm fulfilling a part of my purpose in this life.
For a long time, it just didn't make any sense. Why would he think that teaching me to smoke grapevine at four years old would be the least bit enticing to me?
When I would ask questions as to why would someone want to smoke this, he would always seem disappointed.
Now decades later I understand, and extrapolate.
With what I see now to be his very narrow view of the world, he did these things because in his mind that was what he would do if he were of an undesirable character.
He was, most definitely of undesirable character. He smoked, drank, swore, stole things, lied, threatened and abused. I was none of those things, and was as honest, strong and true as much as any four year old could be. Perhaps even more so, having had my late Grandparents as my legal parents during the very early formative years of my life.
I know now that if I had not had their guidance - albeit a very short amount of time, I would never have had the strength and courage to persevere as I have.
Because he perceived the world through such a narrow lens, the socially imposed "character" flaws not only encompassed worldwide views of undesirable character traits such as lying, stealing, and killing but his midwestern, conservative influences had unintentionally imposed a sort of American "Bad Boy" Western, Johnny Cash, Macho Chauvinistic persona that was utterly Comical to me. Comical and sad. I felt sorry for him initially.
His use of covert planning, especially utilizing his learnings from the US Navy, were ill spent on a helpless, dependent little girl.
Little did I know at the time that he would expend years of his useless life, concocting a myriad of ways to attempt to destroy me both figuratively and literally.
So many times, I can look back and realize now that he wanted, quite frankly, to get rid of me.
I can't find the words to describe the agony, of initially having had my mother's love and affection, growing relationship after being placed back with her...only to have his repeatedly demanding and convincing her to be against me.
Even though there hasn't been nearly a word spoken between my stepfather and I now for well over a decade, he has continued to covertly influence even my now adult children to find me in such contempt that they no longer include me in their lives. It has taken so much from me.
Not my own mother, my half sister, and other "family" either by blood or by legal adoption have listened to his lies and manipulations so long that they now see what they want to see, instead of the truth.
Now I know, beyond any doubt, how one Narcissistic Gaslighting Psychopath used any means he could to discredit me, for the sole purpose of covering up his ill decisions and crimes.
Now I know that before I remembered all that was done to me, before I was capable of putting the pieces of my life together, and strong enough to do it, that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't a bad person, and I didn't deserve any of what he did.
It was all him. He still won't admit to his mistakes, his torture, his brainwashing, and abuse. He still refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
I now know I've survived because I am strong. I am worthy. I am enough. So much has been taken from me, and most can never be replaced. So much of my life was spent trying to figure out why he hated me so much. Now I know he hated himself.
© All Rights Reserved
Now decades and lifetimes it seems, have passed. I still struggle at times to find the most precise descriptive vocabulary to express these events, and other times I find the words flow through me like water and it's as if I'm fulfilling a part of my purpose in this life.
For a long time, it just didn't make any sense. Why would he think that teaching me to smoke grapevine at four years old would be the least bit enticing to me?
When I would ask questions as to why would someone want to smoke this, he would always seem disappointed.
Now decades later I understand, and extrapolate.
With what I see now to be his very narrow view of the world, he did these things because in his mind that was what he would do if he were of an undesirable character.
He was, most definitely of undesirable character. He smoked, drank, swore, stole things, lied, threatened and abused. I was none of those things, and was as honest, strong and true as much as any four year old could be. Perhaps even more so, having had my late Grandparents as my legal parents during the very early formative years of my life.
I know now that if I had not had their guidance - albeit a very short amount of time, I would never have had the strength and courage to persevere as I have.
Because he perceived the world through such a narrow lens, the socially imposed "character" flaws not only encompassed worldwide views of undesirable character traits such as lying, stealing, and killing but his midwestern, conservative influences had unintentionally imposed a sort of American "Bad Boy" Western, Johnny Cash, Macho Chauvinistic persona that was utterly Comical to me. Comical and sad. I felt sorry for him initially.
His use of covert planning, especially utilizing his learnings from the US Navy, were ill spent on a helpless, dependent little girl.
Little did I know at the time that he would expend years of his useless life, concocting a myriad of ways to attempt to destroy me both figuratively and literally.
So many times, I can look back and realize now that he wanted, quite frankly, to get rid of me.
I can't find the words to describe the agony, of initially having had my mother's love and affection, growing relationship after being placed back with her...only to have his repeatedly demanding and convincing her to be against me.
Even though there hasn't been nearly a word spoken between my stepfather and I now for well over a decade, he has continued to covertly influence even my now adult children to find me in such contempt that they no longer include me in their lives. It has taken so much from me.
Not my own mother, my half sister, and other "family" either by blood or by legal adoption have listened to his lies and manipulations so long that they now see what they want to see, instead of the truth.
Now I know, beyond any doubt, how one Narcissistic Gaslighting Psychopath used any means he could to discredit me, for the sole purpose of covering up his ill decisions and crimes.
Now I know that before I remembered all that was done to me, before I was capable of putting the pieces of my life together, and strong enough to do it, that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't a bad person, and I didn't deserve any of what he did.
It was all him. He still won't admit to his mistakes, his torture, his brainwashing, and abuse. He still refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
I now know I've survived because I am strong. I am worthy. I am enough. So much has been taken from me, and most can never be replaced. So much of my life was spent trying to figure out why he hated me so much. Now I know he hated himself.
© All Rights Reserved
