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reality check
So take it back to August of 2015, i had started fresh in a new city, new surroundings, new people surrounded me, I was kind of on a rebellious path, couldn't see too far ahead, after leaving a 9yr relationship cos it was violent for 8 and a half of those years, I started a new relationship, went against my own morals by falling for my friends ex now let me make it clear he wasn't a recent ex he and her dated back in 2000 and i was hanging with them back then, we went our own ways sometime 2001 I reconciled with her in 2004 she was doing her thing I was still the rebellious teen I was only 14 on a wild path chasing adrenaline, then I lost touch with her again, we went our own ways once again and then I settled down had a couple of kids after giving birth to my 2nd daughter I walk out the room and the girls name on the door was her it read her name that I won't say here but I was shocked like wow it's now 2007 and I knocked on the door, she said come in I recognised her voice straight away, I ran in well as fast as I could after giving birth 😂 she jumped up we Hugged and talked about the births of our children she had her boy at 6:30am I had my daughter at 8:30am we vowed to meet up after we left the hospital we traded numbers met up a few times then lost contact again,life changes things happen, now my 2 girls reaching school age one is 4 the other is turning 4 just one month before the eldest turns 5 and she starts school around the corner from where we lived, oblivious to the world around me most of the time cos of the violence and the love I apparently had I personally think it was just comfortablility anyways my daughter has started school it's now 2013 only a few more months til the other starts in this new school too January hit once again it's 2014 now they both in school and there I run into her again her boy is starting at the same school, and little did I realise she only lived two houses away cos I was on a corner house facing forward U go on the street that leads the backyard way in my house and just two houses behind me there she lived for a few years too apparently like wow so we reconnected and she was married and all by now , she gave me her ex's number and said can I tell him usual place this Tuesday don't be late, she can't answer calls atm and don't call her.
I was thinking wtf are you doing, your married if you ain't happy just leave, but I did the honorable friends thing proceeded to text him about her, he replied bluntly like always no emotions with that guy .
weeks went by months even went by its June 2014 i start meeting up with him we go for drives and hang, don't crazy shit I ain't remember a thing cos I'm drunk or high cos I'm in love with a guy that tries to control me with his fists and animosity, I was leaving I couldn't believe it I had found some strength some strength from no where and I decided this time was the last time I was saying goodbye the last time I was going to fight, the last time I was going to lie about the black eyes, bruises and broken nose, and my attempt to get him to listen by slicing my wrist all the way across you know razor blades ain't hurt not one fucking bit and I could see the bone it's so fuckin white that shit is amazingly white while surrounded by fat and blood crazy shit I went through and this was enough I grew my strength with alcohol I started neglecting life and it's responsibilities I ran away I jumped out the window while he blocked the front door with my 1yr old standing there watching on as mummy jumps out the window I call him he says I'll be at the bp at 5:42am I rocked up late expecting he would be, but when I got there to my surprise he was already waiting, he pulled my chair out and helped me in, then opened his iced coffee and watching me forgot he opened it ,shook it , and it went all over him, I laughed, he laughed we ate then left, driving down the road sunrise was just approaching, I couldn't take my eyes off him I felt this over bearing feeling like I needed him to be mine, I asked her consent she said yes she was working on her marriage she don't want him anymore, I couldn't help my self I needed him I felt so high like fuck the drugs fuck the alcohol, all I wanted and needed was him, a year later things ain't bad between us but they ain't great either we started rebelling together hitting the drugs doing crazy shit that landed us in handcuffs and me dieing in his arms bleeding from my left ear, that day changed him and it changed me he won't admit it but even though I fell through that roof and it was I that died it was him that experienced it all it was him that can remember what happened all I can say is what we was doing before and I remember hearing the roof crack and thinking you stupid bitch then I saw white boxes on wooden pallets tied down tightly with a black net, then next thing I remember is seeing my dad walking behind a bunch of blurred people standing at the end of my bed and I said I love you and he said yeh I love you too and he walked out, then I woke up and my dad was trying to make me eat my veggies he said U won't get better or get out of here if U don't eat ur veggies then I remember dad going and I was laying there remembering everything happening and then "he" walked in with his daughter and her boyfriend who were also present when I fell through the roof 6days ago that happened they are saying how the fuck was I asleep for 6 days and I feel so tired my shoulder is sore my head is spinning like fuck I can't pee cos they have this thing in me that Empties my bladder for me I just want to leave I just want to get back to my normality, they say I can't leave til I pass a memory test cos I when I fell through the roof I fractured my skull and it effected the memory part of course I failed didn't I like how could I my memory is great, tell me a number once I can remember that, well I could anyways, I stay another night to fail another test twice that day that night I left against hospital advice, my head still spinning like crazy with every movement I couldn't look left right up or down and loud music became too much and that shit was my go to my escape from reality, but hearing it brought in the head spins and that makes me feel sick I can't deal with that shit, everything made me angry I was unrecognisable to me I ain't this person so angry and quick to losing it, what's happening to me but I can't control it I can't do anything but take in this person I am, and look at Old pictures but no one seems to understand when I say I don't know that girl she looks familiar yeh but she died that night falling through the roof changed who I am, brain still healing, barely a complete one but I'm skipping apps and dodging calls it's now 2016 we get raided couple of guns and ammo they claim, no one to blame he takes the rap, I left him at the cells after court ended offrring me home D and him a sentence got my name cleared when he took those 12 charges he took all of it, 2yrs went by seeing him only on weekends sometimes we couldn't even touch and was restricted to one hug on the hi and one on the goodbye but they weren't long hugs or the guards they would lose it and start patting you down, and throw him around like he ain't nothing, best just to avoid that and keep it as a quick hug, 2yrs 3months 4weeks 5days later he was released we had a kid cos as I forgot to mention i was 13weeks pregnant when he took that charge, our first boy was nearly 2 when he finally got to see his dad out those yards, now nearly 3yrs later, he ain't understand me he changed and switched up he a new person I feel my self slipping I feel my self committing, cos what's the fuckiin use what am I even here for ???, what's the purpose, what does it matter to anyone when I look around i am all alone, I'll go out the way i came in, and the way I shouldn't if had to live, I ain't remember much and thats annoying, I can't spell for shit anymore I am so sick of everything my heart hurts, my head hurts I'm so done with life and what it represents
© sandiiRsalt
I was thinking wtf are you doing, your married if you ain't happy just leave, but I did the honorable friends thing proceeded to text him about her, he replied bluntly like always no emotions with that guy .
weeks went by months even went by its June 2014 i start meeting up with him we go for drives and hang, don't crazy shit I ain't remember a thing cos I'm drunk or high cos I'm in love with a guy that tries to control me with his fists and animosity, I was leaving I couldn't believe it I had found some strength some strength from no where and I decided this time was the last time I was saying goodbye the last time I was going to fight, the last time I was going to lie about the black eyes, bruises and broken nose, and my attempt to get him to listen by slicing my wrist all the way across you know razor blades ain't hurt not one fucking bit and I could see the bone it's so fuckin white that shit is amazingly white while surrounded by fat and blood crazy shit I went through and this was enough I grew my strength with alcohol I started neglecting life and it's responsibilities I ran away I jumped out the window while he blocked the front door with my 1yr old standing there watching on as mummy jumps out the window I call him he says I'll be at the bp at 5:42am I rocked up late expecting he would be, but when I got there to my surprise he was already waiting, he pulled my chair out and helped me in, then opened his iced coffee and watching me forgot he opened it ,shook it , and it went all over him, I laughed, he laughed we ate then left, driving down the road sunrise was just approaching, I couldn't take my eyes off him I felt this over bearing feeling like I needed him to be mine, I asked her consent she said yes she was working on her marriage she don't want him anymore, I couldn't help my self I needed him I felt so high like fuck the drugs fuck the alcohol, all I wanted and needed was him, a year later things ain't bad between us but they ain't great either we started rebelling together hitting the drugs doing crazy shit that landed us in handcuffs and me dieing in his arms bleeding from my left ear, that day changed him and it changed me he won't admit it but even though I fell through that roof and it was I that died it was him that experienced it all it was him that can remember what happened all I can say is what we was doing before and I remember hearing the roof crack and thinking you stupid bitch then I saw white boxes on wooden pallets tied down tightly with a black net, then next thing I remember is seeing my dad walking behind a bunch of blurred people standing at the end of my bed and I said I love you and he said yeh I love you too and he walked out, then I woke up and my dad was trying to make me eat my veggies he said U won't get better or get out of here if U don't eat ur veggies then I remember dad going and I was laying there remembering everything happening and then "he" walked in with his daughter and her boyfriend who were also present when I fell through the roof 6days ago that happened they are saying how the fuck was I asleep for 6 days and I feel so tired my shoulder is sore my head is spinning like fuck I can't pee cos they have this thing in me that Empties my bladder for me I just want to leave I just want to get back to my normality, they say I can't leave til I pass a memory test cos I when I fell through the roof I fractured my skull and it effected the memory part of course I failed didn't I like how could I my memory is great, tell me a number once I can remember that, well I could anyways, I stay another night to fail another test twice that day that night I left against hospital advice, my head still spinning like crazy with every movement I couldn't look left right up or down and loud music became too much and that shit was my go to my escape from reality, but hearing it brought in the head spins and that makes me feel sick I can't deal with that shit, everything made me angry I was unrecognisable to me I ain't this person so angry and quick to losing it, what's happening to me but I can't control it I can't do anything but take in this person I am, and look at Old pictures but no one seems to understand when I say I don't know that girl she looks familiar yeh but she died that night falling through the roof changed who I am, brain still healing, barely a complete one but I'm skipping apps and dodging calls it's now 2016 we get raided couple of guns and ammo they claim, no one to blame he takes the rap, I left him at the cells after court ended offrring me home D and him a sentence got my name cleared when he took those 12 charges he took all of it, 2yrs went by seeing him only on weekends sometimes we couldn't even touch and was restricted to one hug on the hi and one on the goodbye but they weren't long hugs or the guards they would lose it and start patting you down, and throw him around like he ain't nothing, best just to avoid that and keep it as a quick hug, 2yrs 3months 4weeks 5days later he was released we had a kid cos as I forgot to mention i was 13weeks pregnant when he took that charge, our first boy was nearly 2 when he finally got to see his dad out those yards, now nearly 3yrs later, he ain't understand me he changed and switched up he a new person I feel my self slipping I feel my self committing, cos what's the fuckiin use what am I even here for ???, what's the purpose, what does it matter to anyone when I look around i am all alone, I'll go out the way i came in, and the way I shouldn't if had to live, I ain't remember much and thats annoying, I can't spell for shit anymore I am so sick of everything my heart hurts, my head hurts I'm so done with life and what it represents
© sandiiRsalt
