He could see the pieces coming together.Had been a long time coming.The late nights, the sneaking out, the secret box, locked room!She hid so much from him! She lied, how could she!He deserved to know.He couldn't help but feel so infuriated, so betrayed. "How do you keep secrets from someone you're marrying in two weeks time?How much longer were you going to keep this from me?Do I mean nothing to you?Are you even in love with me?"

Silence.That was her only response.She had no explanation, she kept secrets, broke their pact, and she knew he was leaving.Its going to get ugly and he's gonna leave.Its what they do,it's what she knew love to be.Up and leave when things get rough.As much as she loved him,she was ready, one more break up won't hurt as much right?She'd had worse.So with her eyes on the floor she spoke. "Topher,I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you! I really am sorry. I didn't mean to."

"You didn't mean to? Over and over again? The sneaking around,do you know how crazy that drove me?To see you cheating on me? Yes, I followed you for days and one way or the other you disappeared on the alley. When I finally catched up to you and saw you with another man, I lost it. The look on her face was priceless. That was not her husband to be, he wasn't the type to go all FBI on someone. That was her poison not his.But love makes you do crazy things,right? He got it all wrong. And she knew, she was getting kicked out tonight.

"I wasn't cheating Topher! Never have. You've got it all wrong. I can explain. Please don't leave me. I don't want a life without you.You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and I'm not letting that go." She said this but at the back of her mind she knew he would leave, the moment he found out the truth he would.She's damaged. And who wants to be with such a person? Just like the rest, he will walk away and she was going to get through it eventually.

"I know you're not cheating." He started, " but you're hiding something. I met the man after you left." Oh No he didn't! Hearing it from him? Marcus wouldn't be that stupid. He wouldn't dare! " Fuck!" She muttered under her breath."What was that? Didn't catch that. "She could see the frustration and anger in his eyes. "Do you want to tell me what is going on? Why you'd go to him and not me? I'm the one you love right? Why would you not tell me about something as deep as this? Don't you trust me? Am I doing something that gives off the vibe that you can't come to me with anything? 'Cause if I am, I'm sorry and I want you to feel you could tell me anything. He said it was something to do with your childhood. He couldn't tell me more, gave me the 'doctor-patient confidentiality' crap. "

'Oh well, he didn't snitch. That was new. Or maybe he didn't because he says this time around am happy. He says it's evident in my eyes, that I found someone that treats me like royalty. That's probably why he let me be the one to spill it. He knows Topher loves me and for the first time he promised me things will be okay. I want to believe him, but with my past experiences, you can't blame me if I don't '. She was thinking too hard. Contemplating on whether to start talking or just let him find out from someone else and leave her as per tradition.

" I'm here to stay. The ring on you finger is proof." They all said that. They promised to stick around, they did,for days after finding out the truth, then left without notice. But whatever, it was time. Better now, than get married and get divorced. With her knees up her chest she started, "I cannot have children." He didn't say a thing. But she had to go on anyway, it was already out." I was sixteen, a few days to my seventeenth. I was seeing someone,way older than I was. He was around twenty three, and when you're sixteen full of hormones you want to act all adult, so we constantly went on trips, he could afford it, I was not busy so why not." She looked at him for any sort of response, there was none. And she knew he was already gone.

"The guy was all a sixteen year old would fall for. A bad boy with more Alpha aura than a king. So I fell hard and fast. He did all the right things in the beginning. Took me shopping, bought me all the stuff I needed even without me asking. He took me to vacations that even the working class could not afford to. I didn't ask where the money came from. As long as I got what I wanted, it was not my concern. When you have a wealthy boyfriend at sixteen you are bound to draw some attention. Even the unwanted type..."

She could now replay all the events in her head, like a film, as if in a trance and her mouth with it's own guide, she smiled, "...and I felt like a queen. I imagined our wedding, babies, house by the beach and everything seemed so perfect. One day my friend at the time showed up at my school, which was weird. We only met after school or on weekends. I was called to the principal's office and on going in, Jeff was the one waiting."

The memory, and regret hit her all at once and she let the tears fall. He was one of the true friends she had. Jeff was the tough love type of friend, he protected her like big brother would and loved her like a mother would her child.And she messed up, she didn't listen. He was always there for her but in the end when he needed her? And for the last nine years she couldn't let go of the fact that she was a bad friend and she failed her best friend, and it killed her, because in the end his life went to waste.

**********FLASHBACK***********
" Jeff! Wtf are you doing here? And how are you in my principal's office ALONE!" Has he gone insane? His school is so far from mine and its only eleven in the morning. Doesn't he have classes? How about accountability for his absence? Is his principal so lax? "What are those scars on your face and neck from? Got into a fight or something?"

Jeff quickly shuts the door and pushes me down a chair. "Cass, I love you, more than you may know and I'd do anything I can to protect you but I can't protect you from everything. And in moments when I can't I will tell you to run, that you do know." It was difficult to take him seriously at times but something about today made me flinch. There was this mix of anger and fear in his eyes and it got me shook.

"Jeff what's happening, you've been weird lately, suspicious if I may say. Are you on drugs? You have different scars everytime I see you and I'm starting to think you're into some deep shit and that's not the Jeff I know. You're scaring me!" He is my sort of compass,now that he's losing it we are both doomed.

"Scared? You should be!" And he meant it, there was no patience in his voice and he spoke as one giving an ultimatum. " We are leaving, RIGHT NOW. No books, no bags. Just visas and passports and we are not coming back in a long time." What is he talking about? Well I know his family took me in after my parents died but that does not give him the authority to tell me what to do ,when to leave or stay like he owns me or something.
" Leave? To where? And what makes you think you can just ask me to leave everything behind and never look back? I have a life you know? You don't own me! I appreciate everything you've done for me but if you want to leave you do it but you don't get to tell me to be a shadow in your life with no choices of my own.I have other friends over here I just can't leave and my boyfriend wh..." He stopped me by pulling me from the chair ." BOYFRIEND YOU CALL HIM! YOU SEE ALL THIS SCARS YOU SEE ME WITH? THIS IS YOUR BOYFRIEND'S DOING!"

Well I have had enough of the drama with this two and this is it. " Boy, I don't know what beef the both of you have, you don't like him, he doesn't like you that's fine but accusing him of doing this to you, that's overboard." In the beginning, they were fine but at some point I started noticing the bad blood brewing and when I asked my boyfriend about it he said Jeff doesn't like him because he's only jealous it felt like Mac was taking me away from him.

"Perra, tu novio está en una pandilla y descubrí que por eso sus compañeros me han estado golpeando para mantenerme en silencio." (Bitch your boyfriend is in a gang and I found out that's why his mates have been beating me up to keep me silent) I gasped.

*********END OF FLASHBACK**********

"Jeff only spoke Spanish when he was mad beyond control and I started thinking back to the boxes in the basement that I wasn't allowed to go into, the lots of cash for a twenty three year old yet I didn't know what kind of work he was into so I decided to dig, just a little more to be sure."

At that point, Topher was pacing around the room restless. She knew he'd regret asking for the truth. Bet he didn't expect this to be so fucked up. "Being the stupid little girl I was, I didn't know how people dig without raising eyebrows, sad to say, I was caught sniffing around and Mac knew. He knew I knew. So he tied me up in the basement with cloth stuffed in my mouth,and left me to starve for days, I'd only get water when he said so and if I asked to pee he'd ask me to do it on myself. Came to find out he was keeping me hostage while his crew went in search of Jeff...and they found him. The boy I didn't listen to. The one who risked it all for me."

Her heart broke all over again and she hadn't even told him the worst part yet.This time, Topher sat at her feet in anticipation for what's to come. "They tied him just as I was, a few feet away from me. He'd told me to run and I didn't. He was only eighteen and was in gang trouble because I wouldn't listen. They made fun of me, Mac and his gang. Made fun of the fact that I didn't give him a piece of my pie but wanted to enjoy the luxury that came with his wealth. He made me look like a gold digger Topher! And in that moment I was filled with so much pain, shame and regret. They did the worst to me and made Jeff watch. "

Topher was lost for words, his tears threatening to fall and as bad as he wanted to speak and comfort Cass, he couldn't find his voice, he couldn't even find the strength to stretch his hand and touch her, he'd gone numb. Cass interpreted this as disgust, she couldn't imagine the amount of disgust the man she loved was feeling for her at this point but he asked for it and she had to finish.

"All the thirteen gang members raped me one after the other, repeatedly. I could black out, come back to and they would redo it countless times. I was hurt. Physically, emotionally and psychologically. There was no coming back from this. I was scarred for life. I had nothing left in me. I wanted to die..." she recalled how she cried to any power in the universe to take her but none seemed to listen. "...as if that was not enough,they slit Jeff's throat right infront of me. That was the last I could take. I watched him bleed to death and I couldn't lift an arm to help him." She broke down, she hadn't told this story in a long time she never had to. The other guys didn't stick around to know more. Once they new she couldn't have children, they ran. But with him, she couldn't help it, he was too good, maybe that's why she hoped he'd stay even if she knew he'd leave. Telling it felt like reliving her worst.

"I watched as life sliped out of his eyes and body, when he was no longer moving I felt my strength leave me and I didn't fight it. I wanted it. I needed it."

She'd woken up days later in a hospital bed, she couldn't feel her legs and her insides hurt, her core was sore and tears hadn't stopped running down her face. "That's how I met Marcus. He was the therapist asigned to me. We had sessions everyday and after I was discharged, he came home for them. It wasn't the same after Jeff's death. His parents blamed me... which I understood, so they left, moved away from me, a reminder of their dead son. I never saw them after that."

In all honesty, Marcus became Jeff's replacement in her life. Not that she had it mapped out but things happen. Their relationship grew from just a doctor and patient, to someone she could depend on when need be and even though at some point Marcus wanted to be the man in her life, she couldn't let him, because she knew it wasn't based on love, rather pity for her. Marcus knew she wasn't right but chose to let her be with whoever she chose with no interference. Deep in his heart he knew he loved her and it broke him because she wouldn't choose him but kept getting hurt by guys who couldn't handle her , 'damaged' as she more often than not described herself.

"The result of all the rape, destroyed my womb and according to the doctors, I only have a seven percent chance of getting pregnant. The sneaking around and late nights, were all because I was meeting Marcus he's trying to find some sort of miracle of a treatment that could help me get pregnant and I always have to go for tests every week. When I started the treatment, I planned to keep it a secret hoping it would work and I'd be able to get pregnant when we got married so you wouldn't have to know anything about my past.I know I lied, I hid things, you asked for the truth ,there, you have it. Now, do you still love me damaged, or are you going to leave me?"



© Faith Kemunto