I find it no coincidence this chapter comes about as Mental Health Awareness month starts.
This is going to be my longest chapter in this story as a special tribute to #breakthestigma
In society it is hard for those to speak about their mental health mostly due to fear. Fear of ridicule, rejection, and especially to those who have never experienced it or been around others who have.
They're defined as abnormal and sometimes weak.
I am one. And I urge anyone suffering in silence to speak up and out; there are people out there that truly care.

Shawn wondered when the psychiatrist walked in and Kelsey left the room if she was waiting right outside the door or her warning to him to not talk about his "dream" was her secretly saying she knew he was crazy.
"Mr. Guinn, hello I'm Curtis Tricario. Nice to meet you."
Shawn only nodded.
"I know I'm not really the person you'd like to see right now. I'll try not to take up a whole lot of your time."
"Yeah I know. They sent you to see if I'm insane."
"No. Who's they?"
"The doctors."
"They're just concerned about you. I've had a little time to go over your...files. I see you just recently moved here. Mind if I ask why the big change? You moved from Virginia, right"
"Yeah. I got married. She's still in college so I moved here."
"Congratulations. I hate to hear about your bad seizure. You're very lucky to be in the condition you are. Have you had seizures all your life?"
"I don't remember what age I was diagnosed with epilepsy," Shawn wanted to make a comment about not being right in the head but figured they would take it serious, "I've been on Dilantin for... seven or eight years. It always done well."
"There was no medications in your system during your blood work."
"I get prescribed five different medications. I've been out for a few days. It's a long story."
"I don't mind listening."
"No offense but I'd rather not talk to you all day."
"Okay...tell me about your prescriptions then."
"Uh... Dilantin, phenobarbital, duloxetine, Valium, and gabapentin."
"That's alot for someone your age. Did you go to a regular doctor or pain management clinic?"
"I go to a regular doctor. I had a car wreck when I was 16 that really messed me up. It even made my seizures worse. All my stuff is legal. I'm not an addict if that's what you're getting at."
"I'm just asking questions. No need to get hostile."
Shawn stared at the dark haired man. He was trying to get him put away. Throwing assumptions and questions out there.
"I'm not angry. I'm tired."
"So no past experience with anger?"
"Everyone gets angry sometimes."
"...sometimes at doctor's...any reason for your outburst last night?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"... Really? Okay, have you had lapses in memory before? Like "blacking out"?"
"I just woke up from what should've been a fatal seizure last night. Kind of takes a toll on your body. Whatever you're referring to wasn't me in my right mind."
Shit. Completely wrong choice of words.
He nodded, "So, being diagnosed with depression, have you ever had suicidal thoughts or anything of the kind.. like self harm maybe?"
"Just because I have depression doesn't automatically mean I'm suicidal."
"You're very defensive when I ask these questions."
"Because they're ridiculous. I came here for emergency medical care. Not condescending interrogation."
"Alright Mr. Guinn. I understand. Get well soon."
He was a little relieved to see Kelsey reentering the room.
"So? How did it go?"
"I don't think so good. I should've never left Virginia. He thinks I'm nuts."
"If you would've stayed in Virginia, I doubt you would even be alive right now. You would've been alone..."
"I'm so glad I'm alive to be thrown in a nut house."
"...You would rather be dead?"
"...Which doctor wanted you to ask me that?"
"Oh, come on. You really think... I'm here for you. Not against you."
"I don't really have too good of a sense of time but I feel like you're missing school and lying to me."
"I got school in the morning. I won't miss. I was hoping you'd be released today. I don't want to leave you here by yourself."
"What are they waiting on? I can feel everything I'm not paralyzed or anything crazy like that...oh, I'm on suicide watch aren't I?"
Kelsey avoided looking at him directly, "Not... really."
"That's why you don't want to leave...you believe them."
"You seemed conscious last night when that... happened, so....a little, yeah. I just want you to be okay."
"But I'm fully "conscious" now and you don't believe me."
"...You know as well as I do you can be secretive with your feelings."
"Thanks for the support...go home and get some rest before school. I'll be here under surveillance. If you can't trust what I say, why are you hanging around anyways? Nevermind, I don't want to know...I'm taking a nap. If I say something crazy in my sleep why don't you record it for evidence that I can't take care of myself."
Kelsey didn't say another word; she sat down in the recliner glancing to Shawn a few times before he fell asleep.

Please Lord, I need some help and guidance. You know I don't ask for a whole lot, I don't think but... I need a sign... anything. I usually pray your will be done. I'm not doubting your plans I'm just scared and don't know what to do...did I do the right thing? Any sign at all...please...I'm begging...

When Shawn's eyes opened again, he looked over to see the recliner empty.
His stomach tightened with regret at the last words he had spoken to Kelsey.
Had he done it again...shoved her away?
Or maybe all this was too much for her to deal with. He couldn't really blame her if that was the case.
He pushed himself up with his elbows as he heard the door open; but upon looking he saw it was just a nurse.
"Good afternoon Mr. Guinn, how are you feeling?"
"Afternoon? How long was I sleeping?"
"Rest is not a bad thing for you right now. You seemed to sleep well last night. We've been waiting for you to wake up. We run some tests while you were sleeping...once the doctor okays it, I think you'll be ready to go home very soon. Since getting some medicine through IV, it doesn't seem likely you're at risk for another seizure soon."
He wanted to ask if she knew where Kelsey went but was too afraid to hear the answer just yet.
It must've been hours that went by without any word or sight of Kelsey or a doctor, only a nurse coming to check on him.
The sick feeling of being released "home" weighed heavy on him.
Would he walk out to homelessness? Or try to make the 14 hour trip back to Virginia?
He was starting to think the reconnection of him and Kelsey had been a cruel joke from kharma.
He closed his eyes, wishing death would ease his misery.

"Hey, Shawn...."
He blinked hard, wondering if this voice had come back to torture him.
"Are you alright? I'm sorry I should've let you keep sleeping..."
"What are you doing here?"
"... I had classes this morning and I've been here a while. The nurses have been waiting on you to wake up. The doctor signed your release."
Was this real? It sounded like her...but he barely trusted anything once he fell asleep anymore.
"Released to where?"
"Home. I wanted to get you up in time to go to the pharmacy. They wrote your medicine for a week. And I got a list of doctors you could go to nearby."
"... I thought you left...for good."
"They said you were awake earlier. I'm guessing no one gave you my message? Of course not," Kelsey sighed softly, "it doesn't matter now. I'll tell them you're up so we can get out of here."
All this sounded too perfect...no strange voice taunting him? Maybe he was hiding...
Good things didn't happen to him. Not without something horrible happening right after.
Besides being incredibly sore, he walked lightly after given his discharge instructions.
He kept looking around as he followed Kelsey out of the hospital, expecting to hear, "wait, we're not done with you!"
Once they reached Kelsey's car, he stared out the window towards the entrance doors.
"Are you okay? Did they say or do something to you while I was gone?"
"No...just seems like a trick. They wanted to prove me crazy so bad then just let me go?"
"I might have threatened to call a lawyer..."
"For what?"
"For discrimination. You weren't being treated like a patient, not right."
"...You were even thinking I was nuts."
"They put doubt in my head and I realized they were wrong. God wouldn't have kept you alive to be tortured by the system. They had me sign papers that if something happened to you they weren't liable for anything leading up to death."
"So...you're my babysitter now?"
"Oh, shut up," she turned the ignition, pulling out of the hospital parking lot, "We need to get to the pharmacy."
"...Why are you doing all this?"
"I care about you believe it or not."
"Is that your way of saying you feel sorry for me?"
"No! Now listen, I know other people has left you when it's not convenient for them to stick in there but I'm not other people okay?"
"...'Kay."
Shawn grumbled as Kelsey paid for his medicine before he could protest a single word.
He knew he wouldn't win the argument even if he did say anything.
"Are you hungry? I just grabbed a snack after school and Liz was going out tonight so there's not really a need to cook at home."
"Let me guess, you're paying?"
"It's not a big deal. I eat out all the time."
"Do you pay for homeless guys food all the time too?"
"...Sometimes... smartass. So...where you want to eat? We'll just go through a drive thru somewhere. I know you're probably ready to get home in a comfortable bed."
"I'm ready to not feel like I took the worst ass beating of my life."
"Exactly why you need to eat... I'll drive through town here and if you don't choose I'll choose for you."
"You enjoy being in control of me."
She laughed, "What? I'm not controlling you. I'm giving you options."
"Yeah okay Ms. Psychologist you need to look into your own mental issues."
"People can do something nice for someone without an alterior motive."
"Your motive isn't to do so much for me that I couldn't ever pay you back? To forever be in your debt?"
"No. Will you stop and pick somewhere?"
Shawn just nodded and pointed to the other side of the road.
He was already drowning in his debt to her.
He didn't want to become a useless pet. And he hoped that wasn't her plan.
When they returned to the apartment it was indeed empty, without a single light on.
"Hold on. Stay right there while I get some lights on."
"... I'm not fragile. It's not going to kill me if I stub my toe."
As the living room light flipped on, Kelsey stood staring at Shawn completely unamused.
He grinned as he shut the door behind him.
"Go ahead and lock it. Liz has a key."
"If she's partying hard she might not remember how to unlock a door."
"She has school tomorrow, she's not getting wasted. She just goes out a lot. She's always wanting me to go with her and I have a few times but it's just not my scene."
"Oh, right...playing nurse to grown men is more your style."
"Shawn! I swear-" she followed him as he went straight to her bedroom.
"What? Am I still allowed to sleep in here?"
"Stop insinuating stuff!"
"Okay, couch then?"
"You know what I mean. I've never moved anyone in. And you're not a charity case...get in bed."
"Okay, boss lady," said Shawn, trying to hide his face as he slid under the covers.
"You're just trying to get me mad at this point. I'm taking a shower then I'll be back," she said as she turned a small lamp on above her dresser, and switched off the over head light.
Shawn nodded, not wanting to alarm her by letting her know he was a little uneasy about being in the bedroom alone he had almost died in.
He looked around until he found the tv remote on her bedside table, turning it on.
Anything to drown out the eerie silence.
Plus, he was a guy. He wasn't supposed to get scared. Cowardice isn't attractive on anyone.
He tried not to stare as she returned in a t-shirt and who knew if there was shorts under there.
"Are you not tired? I thought you'd be asleep right now."
"Yeah... I am but just...winding down."
"I'm sorry I'll put pants on."
"It's not a big deal," he lied, "wear what's comfortable."
She nodded as she slowly approached the bed, carefully sliding in and under the covers.
"You still sleep with the TV on?"
"You can turn it off. I'll be asleep soon."
"I like background noise... I usually fall asleep with music on."
"Country?" Shawn asked.
"You remember huh?"
"I remember alot about you...oh damn sorry that sounded creepy."
She giggled as she turned on her side facing him, "I remember alot about you too. Is that creepy too?"
"No, you're a girl it's different."
"Oh, is that right? Only guys can be pervs?"
"The majority."
"I see..."
"It's nice to be here without going through withdrawal. Kind of barely paid attention before."
"I know you must feel weird being in a completely different world than what you were used to. So many miles from home. Different house, and... everything. No Jay to terrorize you."
"Oh, now that is one of my favorite parts. I've not really seen much of this state but... I am grateful for all you've done."
"...We got so much to straighten out. Change of address, your new doctor...oh Lord and your truck. You need that..."
"Okay slow down...one step at a time."
"So... I'm just curious...Did you see...God or...Jesus when you stopped breathing. I'm just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to..."
"That's your idea of slowing down?"
"Sorry, sorry..."
"It's okay...I'm sorry to burst your bubble but, no I don't think I did. But I don't think all people are...destined to see him."
"No disrespect but I think you're wrong."
"You still go to church, don't you?"
"Yeah..."
"It's obvious...not a bad thing. Your hope in many things shows."
"So...you didn't see God. Then who?"
"I don't know...the ruler of purgatory or something...it could've just been a dream."
"The look on your face when you first talked about it didn't look like it was just a dream. I'm not judging or grading you... just saying."
"It's not something I'd like to talk about right before I go to sleep."
"Yeah you're right, I'm sorry."
"It's okay...so, when do you get back from school?"
"Three or four. It's not far from here. You still have your phone in case you need to get in contact with me, right?"
"I have no idea...it must be here somewhere."
"Well...I'll look for it in the morning. But Liz only has classes Monday Wednesday and Friday so she'll be here all day tomorrow."
"I think I'll just sleep in."
"You don't like her do you?"
"She's alright...a little scary though."
Kelsey laughed, burying her face in his shoulder, "She'll grow on you. She's just very... individualistic."
"You gotta stop using big college words on me."
"Don't act like you're stupid. I know better."
"Definitely not an act...you picked me up in hillbillyville remember?"
"I'm from there too! Remember?"
"You're different. You know you never belonged there."
"...and now neither do you..."

Shawn would've never imagined by the end of his first week in Maine, he would have accomplished so much.
First, not dying could be seen as a job well done but with Kelsey's help of course they managed to get everything he would need to start his new life as a seemingly permanent Maine resident.
Drivers license, doctor, bank account, change of address...
He could almost pass as normal.
Not being around constant threat of a fight, he even found himself being able to relax and sleep better.
That Friday evening as Kelsey and Liz returned home from school, he had even gathered the nerves to have dinner waiting.
He just wouldn't tell them he used YouTube to cheat with.
"Whoa...you should've picked up a butler from your hometown sooner," piped up Liz as Shawn done dishes after their meal.
"Especially with how cheap the labor is." said Shawn.
"He is not a slave! Here...you cooked, let me do those."
"It's alright. It's not much."
"You're just trying to find a way to "pay" me back."
"No. I thought it'd be a good way to start your weekend off. You know, less worries more lazy- I mean relaxing time," he pushed Kelsey away from the sink as he began rinsing.
"...Yeah huh...liar."
"Oh yeah? What does doctor Kelsey have to say about it? Decipher my motive please."
"No need to ruin your good mood."
"Did you do something bad? Is this a cover up?" bellowed Liz from the couch, already amidst her nightly  true crime binging.
"Yeah I put all the bodies in your room. There's so much take out boxes in there you'll never recognize the smell though."
"I need to talk to you." said Kelsey, stopping in the kitchens doorway.
"It was a joke. I'm not as unstable as the doctors tried to portray."Shawn groaned.
"It's not that...meet me in the bedroom."
As much as he liked the sound of that, he knew by her tone it was far from what he had in mind.
He took his time placing the dishes away in the cabinet.
"What did I do?" He asked Liz lowly on his way.
"Huh...the hell should I know?"
"I feel like I'm about to get grounded."
"You know, you try to be funny and you're really not."
"...thanks for the reassurance."
Slowly he turned the doorknob, watching the floor as he entered and closed the door behind him.
Was she mad he wasn't "resting" as she had always been insisting he do every moment since he had been released from the hospital.
Maybe she had regretted bringing him here and this would be the talk about getting his own place.
"Are you okay?" asked Kelsey, watching him enter and bring his eyes up to her slowly.
"Yeah...why?"
"You look...tired. "
"No. What's this about?"
"Come sit down. I don't want to yell across the room."
What did that mean? She wanted to yell at him at close contact?
He was sure he wasn't hiding the concern on his face but nodded and walked around to the left side of the bed, sitting on the edge and looked to Kelsey, trying to brace himself.
"I didn't want to say anything around Liz and hear a smart aleck response. Anyways, just hear me out before you answer...there's been this...day planned to clean up around the church I go to. I wanted to know if you would like to come with me- and before you say no! There's not going to be a service. It's just a Saturday. We're going to have breakfast and just do light work around the property. But if you still feel bad I understand. I just thought it would be something for us to do together. Things have been so cra- um... hectic since you got here...it would be some kind of normal thing to do."
Shawn could feel the anxiety leaving his chest at her words.
He felt like a loser for overthinking this so much.
"I feel fine. I'm really not that fragile as you like to think."
"Well I don't know. You don't tell me anything."
"...you've not told everyone they need to pray for me or exercise demons from me or something have you?"
Kelsey pressed her lips together tightly obviously holding back laughter for a moment, "I told you it's not a service or anything like that. I know what you're thinking right now and no it's not a trick."
"Not planning on leaving me there until I "get right" are you."
"What part of it's not a trick don't you understand?"
"... I guess so...how long is this thing supposed to be?"
"We're usually there just a few hours. Usually up to lunchtime."
"Is that all you wanted to talk about?"
"Yeah pretty much. Like I said I didn't want to ask you in front of Liz she's... she's Catholic so she don't agree with Baptists."
"Not too sure if I do either but I know church is important to you."
"If you get uncomfortable we can leave I promise. I know the only reason you went to church with me before was because of that deal or dare or whatever you want to call it."
"Not the only reason."
Kelsey seemed to be staring in his eyes attempting to read his mind.
"... I guess I'm going to go shower before this gets anymore awkward."


© ScarlettFranklin