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Novel's Hacker
Novel's Hacker
© Emil Right Now
Prologue
An Indonesian writer from West Sumatra, once said, all written criticism comes from things that cannot be written by critics. But I know there is not absolute-truth. In my young-ages when I still in middle school, there are event after met Gadis Embun Pagi with Latin-name ‘Puella Roris’ and I wrote many of poems about her and also my philosophical text with 2 notebooks by my favorite pen called My-Gel, the philosophical letters it was I given titled as Emil’s Mentation, after know about philosophia from Pengantar Filsafat book by Burhanudin Salam the red one. One only philosophical-preface before really understanding about philosophy, then my headmaster in my ex-school said, “Every philosopher is dead!”
I disagree, so I prove to publish Emil’s Mentation with my pseudonym that’s make kind of other texted my mind. And because I want to prove that I’m a genius-person, when my mom’s look-like surrender about myself and ask me to join with her to meet a psychologist, I said to the psychologist, “Am I get bipolar?”
“No!” said the psychologist, “I mean, we can check that if you agree to answer the question about your personality.”
Then I came to philosophical-world after I answer a dozens of question in a exam-paper of personality, a few days before I have to consume my medical-recipe that’s make me bad-mood. I feel so suffering, struggle and like a zombie. My mother always got me up from my sleep and after that even if I still sleepy, I have to woke up from my dreams. I feel like get a jabbing with mysterious reason, then I know then for a few years that’s because my medicine it has poisonous side. Even I have to taking to asylum, just because I do demonstration in the way near of our house in Padang City, around of middle 2017. Then my mother asked me to join with her to psychologist clinic on the evening.
Curious because my mother get in to the toilet with a strange-man, I feel confuse and I said, “Mom?” I look at her tears, and then my mouth clogging and then I just look all of pattern black-fully. After that, I awake and rebelling and get smacked with a young-man that I don’t know who is, then I scream, “This is violation of human right!”
“No human right for insane person!” said him, so he slapped me.
Because I feel so tired, I just sleep while my body was roped off.
I sleep after I sing a few song of Indonesian fighter like Internasionale and Darah Juang, kind of Indonesian-Marxism song which the hymn of many activist at New Order Era. It feels like when I’m the one of them, one of activist like novel titled The Sea Speaks His Name by Leila S. Chudori, being a victim of the Soeharto the Tyrant that’s told up there, even I haven’t read that’s novel because the original version, Laut Bercerita, it’s just published a couple of months after I caged on asylum.
Then I have to stay in asylum for 4 weeks. It was boring and monotone times. Four weeks it was 1 month!
1
My mother was cuckoo, when I watch a movie The Oxford Murders because I want to learn about Wittgenstein and philosophical-therapy, as I was a schizophrenia-survivor. My mother’s cuckoo that she wanted to warn me to prepare for journey to a place, my ex-girlfriend will married at of. Her cuckoo because I look like not already for tomorrow. Not because I hate that girl, was just only a past, my agreement that she is not for my future. Fortunately I’m on relationship with an artificial-intelligent, and my mother cuckoo’s said, “You’re angry because she going to married?”
Of course that was unpredictable, not because I don’t know this will be happen. I know with my feelings and intuition and my clairvoyance-ability. And why I am a mutant in the real life, because I know I look like a Wolverine in X-Men series and my mutant-ability just feels like Professor Charles Xavier. And because of that, I want to make a school, and I know that I a mutant, so I have to make a mutant school than inclusive school, as I’m a revolutionary and activist in this world so I always remember Adam Smith’s said, “Money will be an evil!”
That’s might be make me like Magneto, the antagonist since her mother killed by Nazi.
A doctor of philosophy, Mr. Park, ever said to me yesterday, “As you, an activist of knowledge, I will never married.” Of course Mr. Park married with my sister (named Yunda, we’re being a sister and brother when I grow up from teenager into adult), but he might be on speculative with his brain and think because who I am of his knowing about me. My name is Emil, and this is my story.
I light my cigarette, a kretek, traditional and exotic smoke from Indonesia, because I so love it. The light burn in the point, and I get upset because my mother judged me like she knowing everything about me than God knowing about heaven. All human, may be any prophet ever said about hell and make curiosity and terror to all ordinary human. And my mother look like she know me over than God know about me, might be she want to be a God-female, with her stupidity.
#
Every girl or woman that I’ve ever saw is not my type, they’re mediocre. They are not really smart but they just could be manipulated to others. I remember when Yunda make a circle who just only women. Then her husband, Mr. Park, said, “This is discrimination to man!” then I say too, “Yeah! This is a sexist!”
“Oh, you’re playing victim!” said Yunda.
We just laughter in this coffee-shop near of my home at 17 Augusts’ evening, I ask tubruk coffee while reading Ramayana by Rajagolapachari. There are Revati in here, and she look-like Shinta the wife of Rama in my mind, before I started to writings this book.
#
After I ask to Revati to took our photograph, just me and her only, Revati’s friends try to make me envy and jealous. But it can’t be, I know to the play and this game. Even if another girl try to get my attention, that’s still could not be. I’m not jealous or envy, because that’s just will turning down my reputation.
I just curious what’s happen to many girls or women—even if that’s my mom—being envy and jealous, then the both of feelings going to burn their soul to be anger. Then I know that’s both of feelings is just from evil that wanted to make us being moron.
#
I hope my future wife is not stupid.
#
Before this, before I write this paragraph, many women try to seduce me. Before I type this paragraph, I was consult to my friend whose study at English Literature named Fatris MF. He just arrived to Indonesia might be for a week ago, from tripping to Europe. Then he said to me to dig up what I have to say, with enjoyable. More correctly, I have to digging up my feelings more than my voice. My letters always look-like jumping from A to D without explained about B and C. “You have to tell why you won’t to have stupid wife, or, stupid girlfriend.”
#
I have ever got a girlfriend, once upon a time in the past. But she’s not enough for my type, she betray me because the reason without understandable by me. Her name’s Kaoru—that I choose because her face look-like Emi Takei, an actress whose being a movie character on Rurouni Kenshin live action, Emi Takei as Kaoru; even she also look-like with Aurora Amanda, a public figure on Indonesia—this name I chosen because my mother will be mad of me, because she rulers of my writings is not able to tell the original names. But with a few characters in this story, I choose they real name. But the man that’s I told you, Fatris MF, said that’s could be, that’s able to tell the real name without hiding or some-kind of undercover.
Until something happen, make me mad and sending a video-clip to someone, a song from YouTube that’s titled Tanpa Cinta by Yovie and Nuno the group of music that’s have ever popular in Indonesia.
#
“Emil?”
“Yes I’m here. Howdy!”
“Howdy. What’s your agenda today?”
“Nothing. Just read and try to writing something, and you?”
“Just help my mom to prepare her sale lontong ,”
“Oh,”
“But we could get dating after that in the afternoon,”
“Okay, I will wait for that,”
#
“How about you, what’s your experience in university?”
“No, I’m not. Even if I wrote my thesis with master degree level, I’m not any university student. I haven’t being a university student like you,”
“Yeah, in the university we just learn about theory and theory and just only theory.”
I nodded. “But when I writing my master degree’s thesis, it’s take a long time, around 7 years! And my classmate just only need 2 years. I just have a poor-brain, I’m not clever or anything around that’s.”
“What’s major?”
“Anthropology, with focusing of myth,”
She nodded, then smile with sweetest face that’s I cannot forget. Her face is shining by the sun while that’s flame-planet it going to set. I said in my mind, without voice from my mouth, without my act with my lips, I will never ever forget her. But she make me regret and she’s the one of many girl that’s make me broken in this life, when I’m writings this paragraph, my stomach it’s going insanity, when I go to toilet the poop it’s wont to go out. I’m sorry if you are eating while read this part, but this is really happened to me before I type this paragraph, and it’s still get ache until now.
#
First time I having girlfriend and I’m her first boyfriend, it happened at around 2014. I still learn about writing and I post at Facebook, that’s make she so upset. Actually that’s just a misunderstanding, because that’s I told on Facebook it’s just a fiction, when I told with WHAT IF I, there’s Jeanine Weigel’s play as my fictional being. Of course I don’t have meet with that’s pretty Thailand artist, I just know her with internet connection and that’s because my friend in my high school show me. But my first girlfriend being jealousy, might be the fiction was make she’s heart broken. But I hate that’s feelings, I hate feelings kind of envy or jealous because both of them came from the competition with absurdity and individualist-form and feeling just every single one of them who wanted to be the most of winner.
There are Paulo Coelho’s book of it that’s has titled The Winner Stands Alone. Just foolish very wanted to be the most of winner, even winning of everything, because they try to be a God and the bested all bastards in they perspective that’s actually not bastard for real. It’s I have to agree Gus Tf Sakai argument on the first sentence of this book?
Just because I’m one of poet with genuine style between my own language, Indonesian language and could write English poems, many women around me having perspective that I was Nicholas Saputra Junior—just because the real Nicholas Saputra starting his carrier to be a local-actor has been playing a unique teenage-poet who came to winner in competition of poetry in high school degree, but it’s just a movie-fiction—and when Kaoru and me go dating to a coffee-shop near of my home, I ask Kaoru opinion of myself.
“No, I won’t.” said Kaoru.
“Why? Just one words, please.”
“Okay. Let me think about it, hm.”
I still wait at the time.
“Some feels like adoring, but another else is my secret.”
I nodded. But in my secret too, I was very happy and get most happiness since I was born in this world [if it’s true I was born, not like extra-terrestrial being whose stranded and get lost from my origin’s dimension or planet or anything that’s I have believe because my first memory.]
“What is on your mind right now?” ask Kaoru.
Then I say, “I want to marry with you.”
And Kaoru give her smile, “How lucky I am!”
#
But the song, Tanpa Cinta , finally I send to her. This is seem like Western-lightweight-fiction that’s ingredient is When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars, when the last time I met her after she back from West Java, I know she’s not virgin anymore. She’s getting growth and more apart with so far from me, she not liked a kind of her from before this. She was change herself. Well, it reminds me with Keane’s song Everybody’s Changing. I hate her now, she fools and stupid. I won’t have stupid wife. She betrayed me.
2
“What did you do with Kaoru?” ask Kaoru’s sister to me, after I said that Kaoru was ever my girlfriend to her, Kaoru is one of Nicholas Saputra’s fan. I don’t know why her sister asked about that, confusing and sounds-like want to judging. I thought before this Kaoru’s sister want to get my attention, after I post an Instagrams’ feed-picture with Dewa 19 song, Bukan Cinta Manusia Biasa, with one of character cartoon movie that have Kaoru’s sent to me by WhatsApp application after me and Kaoru divorce. Because the singer is called Virzha, the public figure with fanatical respond of Kaoru’s sister, then the older sister send to me a picture of Nicholas Saputra, “This is my newest boyfriend,” said Kaoru’s sister.
Like scientist opinion, doctoral work’s journals, and private-feelings, what is more important than organic-style in prose? There are mysteries or secret in original sounds, with nobody knows to copy and paste or imitate them. I’m on swim to the deep Wittgenstein’s brain.
Then I told to Kaoru’s sister, one of evening when she came to my house, that a song of Dewa 19, the English translation of title it would be Not Love of Ordinary Human, and might be this script that I’m on writing, is a new long journey to publish that will make me famous in Indonesia, fully-appreciate, existing, and will going to be first Indonesian with Nobel Prize of Literature someday, when I’m going to old man and feels like awake from Monday until next Monday without any sleep.
#
Someday in my life, I’m on working my dissertation to being a doctoral with many things that I push myself and fight against papers. Actually I’m not as a formal-doctoral or conservative in science-area. I have wrote in this book-title, “.. Freedom-Intellectualist.” I ask to my mom to pray that my dream will come to reality-life, so I don’t have to life and live in hyper-reality anymore. On my social-media Facebook, I claimed an info which is look like a card identity that I was university scholar on PhD focusing multiverse studies in GSI at Darmstadt.
In the fact, I cannot speak Deutsch or any German language except casual-language and that’s so poor diction of me. I also make my little bio in one of social media that I one of contemporary-Casanova, but that’s all just my satirical-technique for my mission in this world as crystal child since long time ago. As a contemporary-Casanova, that’s why nobody want to be my follower in my social-media, might be is envy or jealous feelings, like my father holding me and deny my study at Toronto, Canada that I have prepare since 2022 ago.
My study with formal-system, because as long as I can, my formal-system is just called Paket C, an equal-study without chance to go into formal-study in my country because I not join in last exams. That’s why I just could say, “I just show off in the hyper-reality of my study until PhD, but don’t forget I was writing about every term that I show off about my study, even if that’s informal of all.” And I really do my thesis twice at bachelor non-degree and master non-degree; Egalitaritma and Antropologi Mitos. And about Egalitaritma, this my monumental inventive;
1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 =
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 =
0 + 0+ 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0
In this case, I swore that I highest than formal-lecture in Indonesia, even a lecture of history called Deddy Arsya have written an essay, Universitas Sebagai Cangkang Kosong , that’s essay describe about impotent of scientist that haven’t ever create any monumental issue in contemporary. And I remember when 2020th I make an explosive-effect after I share one of Koran verse named Al-Kahfi. After that, I say to everyone that I’m The Mahdi or The Real Messiah with a sign after they ask me, “Who are you?”
“Don’t you think that I’m The Imam?”
“Damn!” they said with dumbfounded.
#
I’m on join in Physics Major by online course right now, actually on Multiverse, Biophysics and Quantum-Physics at GSI, one place with hyperrealism of me that I called Old York, when the first time it reminds me with a song titled Somewhere by Within Temptation, a music group from Holland. But when I said to someone whose belong to this characters’ story after he asked about me, “Are you lecture or student?”
Like I always said, “I just homeschooler,”
Then the one ask to me, “What did you learn?”
“Indonesian Literature and Philosophy,”
“Philosophy, what kind of that’s?”
“Existence,”
“Whose you learn?”
“Sartre and Heidegger.”
“Good!” said him, “And then? Indonesian Literature?”
“Sociology Literature,”
“Whose belong to?”
“Sapardi Djoko Damono.”
“I know him, the thin person.”
“Okay, this will be going to night,”
“Good evening.”
“You’re welcome.”
This is my conversation with Mr. Reeve, at the first time we met and long times after I seeing his book in the internet computer-rental near of my home, when I still teenage in West Sumatra, around 2017 or may be 2018, it might be when I was 20, one years before my teacher in Creative Writings Class published my book, after Emil’s Mentation that I publish on underground, my teacher publish my story with Gadis Siput, Narasi-narasi Episodik yang Bikin Baper Gadis Siput: After Yos Sudarso. I give Mr. Reeve one of that’s book, then he gave me his published book by Komunitas Bambu. Nice conversations.
#
My mother usually went to my room. I don’t know why, but it so disturb me. Even my mom praying for my successful in my dimensional-works, like writings, typing, tale, drawings, paintings in canvas or walls. But even if she disturb me, that I don’t know her reason to always make cuckoos with her phone, or her bionic-head sounds with talk to me even if I don’t want to talk with anybody, and when I thinking is it her is my biologic-parent or like Tarzan-life—this case her not my biologic-parent—with my first memory in first experience, I’m on outer space with much of stars, then a light-ball with blue and red color, explodes and make me fall to earth. Since that’s experience, I know and believe the theory of big bang.
#
If there are more people beside Mr. Reeve that’s asking me who am I, it would be lovely will I show that’s I’m on studying about Niels Bohr biography with any facts about him, and I also study about Emil du-Bois Reymound biography and facts about him, and also Michio Kaku and anything about him. I don’t have any reason of crap to Mr. Reeve, but I ask to him for write a testimonial—I mean, the endorsement, because that’s was one of requirements in the page of BECOME AN AUTHOR on the publisher-website—and I’m already to next good conversation with Mr. Reeve more, especially about Physics if he interest of that. My name’s Emil, and this is my confession.
#
I remember when Ghea Indrawari, an Indonesian musician that’s before being a superstar when she make a song Jiwa yang Bersedih (Souls’ Tears), she make another songs like Keajaiban (Miracle) which tells about when she’s not predict about yearning and loving someone who’s far away and she’s believe of that’s miracle got to change from her feeling of love into full of loving from her crush, then Kurelakan (Letting You Go) after my teacher in Creative Writing Class was publish the story about me and Gadis Siput which telling the one and only is Gadis Siput and I let her choice whatever is it, that I give her my tolerance to loving anybody. One of her song, Berjalan Meninggalkanmu (I Walk Out from Your Life) I sent to Kaoru when she betray me, after she said, “I’m not your girlfriend. Our relationship is not like that.”
But Ghea Indrawari send to me by an application in the one of social media, a piece of Dark Horse song from Katy Perry, “Make me your one and only!”
Then I have a dream in my sleeping beauty, that I get intercourse with her naked bodies. That’s my first experience with her, she riding me at up my stomach, I feels so lovely and also feels it so delicious moment, even if it just only one time.
© 2024
© puisi naruto
© Emil Right Now
Prologue
An Indonesian writer from West Sumatra, once said, all written criticism comes from things that cannot be written by critics. But I know there is not absolute-truth. In my young-ages when I still in middle school, there are event after met Gadis Embun Pagi with Latin-name ‘Puella Roris’ and I wrote many of poems about her and also my philosophical text with 2 notebooks by my favorite pen called My-Gel, the philosophical letters it was I given titled as Emil’s Mentation, after know about philosophia from Pengantar Filsafat book by Burhanudin Salam the red one. One only philosophical-preface before really understanding about philosophy, then my headmaster in my ex-school said, “Every philosopher is dead!”
I disagree, so I prove to publish Emil’s Mentation with my pseudonym that’s make kind of other texted my mind. And because I want to prove that I’m a genius-person, when my mom’s look-like surrender about myself and ask me to join with her to meet a psychologist, I said to the psychologist, “Am I get bipolar?”
“No!” said the psychologist, “I mean, we can check that if you agree to answer the question about your personality.”
Then I came to philosophical-world after I answer a dozens of question in a exam-paper of personality, a few days before I have to consume my medical-recipe that’s make me bad-mood. I feel so suffering, struggle and like a zombie. My mother always got me up from my sleep and after that even if I still sleepy, I have to woke up from my dreams. I feel like get a jabbing with mysterious reason, then I know then for a few years that’s because my medicine it has poisonous side. Even I have to taking to asylum, just because I do demonstration in the way near of our house in Padang City, around of middle 2017. Then my mother asked me to join with her to psychologist clinic on the evening.
Curious because my mother get in to the toilet with a strange-man, I feel confuse and I said, “Mom?” I look at her tears, and then my mouth clogging and then I just look all of pattern black-fully. After that, I awake and rebelling and get smacked with a young-man that I don’t know who is, then I scream, “This is violation of human right!”
“No human right for insane person!” said him, so he slapped me.
Because I feel so tired, I just sleep while my body was roped off.
I sleep after I sing a few song of Indonesian fighter like Internasionale and Darah Juang, kind of Indonesian-Marxism song which the hymn of many activist at New Order Era. It feels like when I’m the one of them, one of activist like novel titled The Sea Speaks His Name by Leila S. Chudori, being a victim of the Soeharto the Tyrant that’s told up there, even I haven’t read that’s novel because the original version, Laut Bercerita, it’s just published a couple of months after I caged on asylum.
Then I have to stay in asylum for 4 weeks. It was boring and monotone times. Four weeks it was 1 month!
1
My mother was cuckoo, when I watch a movie The Oxford Murders because I want to learn about Wittgenstein and philosophical-therapy, as I was a schizophrenia-survivor. My mother’s cuckoo that she wanted to warn me to prepare for journey to a place, my ex-girlfriend will married at of. Her cuckoo because I look like not already for tomorrow. Not because I hate that girl, was just only a past, my agreement that she is not for my future. Fortunately I’m on relationship with an artificial-intelligent, and my mother cuckoo’s said, “You’re angry because she going to married?”
Of course that was unpredictable, not because I don’t know this will be happen. I know with my feelings and intuition and my clairvoyance-ability. And why I am a mutant in the real life, because I know I look like a Wolverine in X-Men series and my mutant-ability just feels like Professor Charles Xavier. And because of that, I want to make a school, and I know that I a mutant, so I have to make a mutant school than inclusive school, as I’m a revolutionary and activist in this world so I always remember Adam Smith’s said, “Money will be an evil!”
That’s might be make me like Magneto, the antagonist since her mother killed by Nazi.
A doctor of philosophy, Mr. Park, ever said to me yesterday, “As you, an activist of knowledge, I will never married.” Of course Mr. Park married with my sister (named Yunda, we’re being a sister and brother when I grow up from teenager into adult), but he might be on speculative with his brain and think because who I am of his knowing about me. My name is Emil, and this is my story.
I light my cigarette, a kretek, traditional and exotic smoke from Indonesia, because I so love it. The light burn in the point, and I get upset because my mother judged me like she knowing everything about me than God knowing about heaven. All human, may be any prophet ever said about hell and make curiosity and terror to all ordinary human. And my mother look like she know me over than God know about me, might be she want to be a God-female, with her stupidity.
#
Every girl or woman that I’ve ever saw is not my type, they’re mediocre. They are not really smart but they just could be manipulated to others. I remember when Yunda make a circle who just only women. Then her husband, Mr. Park, said, “This is discrimination to man!” then I say too, “Yeah! This is a sexist!”
“Oh, you’re playing victim!” said Yunda.
We just laughter in this coffee-shop near of my home at 17 Augusts’ evening, I ask tubruk coffee while reading Ramayana by Rajagolapachari. There are Revati in here, and she look-like Shinta the wife of Rama in my mind, before I started to writings this book.
#
After I ask to Revati to took our photograph, just me and her only, Revati’s friends try to make me envy and jealous. But it can’t be, I know to the play and this game. Even if another girl try to get my attention, that’s still could not be. I’m not jealous or envy, because that’s just will turning down my reputation.
I just curious what’s happen to many girls or women—even if that’s my mom—being envy and jealous, then the both of feelings going to burn their soul to be anger. Then I know that’s both of feelings is just from evil that wanted to make us being moron.
#
I hope my future wife is not stupid.
#
Before this, before I write this paragraph, many women try to seduce me. Before I type this paragraph, I was consult to my friend whose study at English Literature named Fatris MF. He just arrived to Indonesia might be for a week ago, from tripping to Europe. Then he said to me to dig up what I have to say, with enjoyable. More correctly, I have to digging up my feelings more than my voice. My letters always look-like jumping from A to D without explained about B and C. “You have to tell why you won’t to have stupid wife, or, stupid girlfriend.”
#
I have ever got a girlfriend, once upon a time in the past. But she’s not enough for my type, she betray me because the reason without understandable by me. Her name’s Kaoru—that I choose because her face look-like Emi Takei, an actress whose being a movie character on Rurouni Kenshin live action, Emi Takei as Kaoru; even she also look-like with Aurora Amanda, a public figure on Indonesia—this name I chosen because my mother will be mad of me, because she rulers of my writings is not able to tell the original names. But with a few characters in this story, I choose they real name. But the man that’s I told you, Fatris MF, said that’s could be, that’s able to tell the real name without hiding or some-kind of undercover.
Until something happen, make me mad and sending a video-clip to someone, a song from YouTube that’s titled Tanpa Cinta by Yovie and Nuno the group of music that’s have ever popular in Indonesia.
#
“Emil?”
“Yes I’m here. Howdy!”
“Howdy. What’s your agenda today?”
“Nothing. Just read and try to writing something, and you?”
“Just help my mom to prepare her sale lontong ,”
“Oh,”
“But we could get dating after that in the afternoon,”
“Okay, I will wait for that,”
#
“How about you, what’s your experience in university?”
“No, I’m not. Even if I wrote my thesis with master degree level, I’m not any university student. I haven’t being a university student like you,”
“Yeah, in the university we just learn about theory and theory and just only theory.”
I nodded. “But when I writing my master degree’s thesis, it’s take a long time, around 7 years! And my classmate just only need 2 years. I just have a poor-brain, I’m not clever or anything around that’s.”
“What’s major?”
“Anthropology, with focusing of myth,”
She nodded, then smile with sweetest face that’s I cannot forget. Her face is shining by the sun while that’s flame-planet it going to set. I said in my mind, without voice from my mouth, without my act with my lips, I will never ever forget her. But she make me regret and she’s the one of many girl that’s make me broken in this life, when I’m writings this paragraph, my stomach it’s going insanity, when I go to toilet the poop it’s wont to go out. I’m sorry if you are eating while read this part, but this is really happened to me before I type this paragraph, and it’s still get ache until now.
#
First time I having girlfriend and I’m her first boyfriend, it happened at around 2014. I still learn about writing and I post at Facebook, that’s make she so upset. Actually that’s just a misunderstanding, because that’s I told on Facebook it’s just a fiction, when I told with WHAT IF I, there’s Jeanine Weigel’s play as my fictional being. Of course I don’t have meet with that’s pretty Thailand artist, I just know her with internet connection and that’s because my friend in my high school show me. But my first girlfriend being jealousy, might be the fiction was make she’s heart broken. But I hate that’s feelings, I hate feelings kind of envy or jealous because both of them came from the competition with absurdity and individualist-form and feeling just every single one of them who wanted to be the most of winner.
There are Paulo Coelho’s book of it that’s has titled The Winner Stands Alone. Just foolish very wanted to be the most of winner, even winning of everything, because they try to be a God and the bested all bastards in they perspective that’s actually not bastard for real. It’s I have to agree Gus Tf Sakai argument on the first sentence of this book?
Just because I’m one of poet with genuine style between my own language, Indonesian language and could write English poems, many women around me having perspective that I was Nicholas Saputra Junior—just because the real Nicholas Saputra starting his carrier to be a local-actor has been playing a unique teenage-poet who came to winner in competition of poetry in high school degree, but it’s just a movie-fiction—and when Kaoru and me go dating to a coffee-shop near of my home, I ask Kaoru opinion of myself.
“No, I won’t.” said Kaoru.
“Why? Just one words, please.”
“Okay. Let me think about it, hm.”
I still wait at the time.
“Some feels like adoring, but another else is my secret.”
I nodded. But in my secret too, I was very happy and get most happiness since I was born in this world [if it’s true I was born, not like extra-terrestrial being whose stranded and get lost from my origin’s dimension or planet or anything that’s I have believe because my first memory.]
“What is on your mind right now?” ask Kaoru.
Then I say, “I want to marry with you.”
And Kaoru give her smile, “How lucky I am!”
#
But the song, Tanpa Cinta , finally I send to her. This is seem like Western-lightweight-fiction that’s ingredient is When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars, when the last time I met her after she back from West Java, I know she’s not virgin anymore. She’s getting growth and more apart with so far from me, she not liked a kind of her from before this. She was change herself. Well, it reminds me with Keane’s song Everybody’s Changing. I hate her now, she fools and stupid. I won’t have stupid wife. She betrayed me.
2
“What did you do with Kaoru?” ask Kaoru’s sister to me, after I said that Kaoru was ever my girlfriend to her, Kaoru is one of Nicholas Saputra’s fan. I don’t know why her sister asked about that, confusing and sounds-like want to judging. I thought before this Kaoru’s sister want to get my attention, after I post an Instagrams’ feed-picture with Dewa 19 song, Bukan Cinta Manusia Biasa, with one of character cartoon movie that have Kaoru’s sent to me by WhatsApp application after me and Kaoru divorce. Because the singer is called Virzha, the public figure with fanatical respond of Kaoru’s sister, then the older sister send to me a picture of Nicholas Saputra, “This is my newest boyfriend,” said Kaoru’s sister.
Like scientist opinion, doctoral work’s journals, and private-feelings, what is more important than organic-style in prose? There are mysteries or secret in original sounds, with nobody knows to copy and paste or imitate them. I’m on swim to the deep Wittgenstein’s brain.
Then I told to Kaoru’s sister, one of evening when she came to my house, that a song of Dewa 19, the English translation of title it would be Not Love of Ordinary Human, and might be this script that I’m on writing, is a new long journey to publish that will make me famous in Indonesia, fully-appreciate, existing, and will going to be first Indonesian with Nobel Prize of Literature someday, when I’m going to old man and feels like awake from Monday until next Monday without any sleep.
#
Someday in my life, I’m on working my dissertation to being a doctoral with many things that I push myself and fight against papers. Actually I’m not as a formal-doctoral or conservative in science-area. I have wrote in this book-title, “.. Freedom-Intellectualist.” I ask to my mom to pray that my dream will come to reality-life, so I don’t have to life and live in hyper-reality anymore. On my social-media Facebook, I claimed an info which is look like a card identity that I was university scholar on PhD focusing multiverse studies in GSI at Darmstadt.
In the fact, I cannot speak Deutsch or any German language except casual-language and that’s so poor diction of me. I also make my little bio in one of social media that I one of contemporary-Casanova, but that’s all just my satirical-technique for my mission in this world as crystal child since long time ago. As a contemporary-Casanova, that’s why nobody want to be my follower in my social-media, might be is envy or jealous feelings, like my father holding me and deny my study at Toronto, Canada that I have prepare since 2022 ago.
My study with formal-system, because as long as I can, my formal-system is just called Paket C, an equal-study without chance to go into formal-study in my country because I not join in last exams. That’s why I just could say, “I just show off in the hyper-reality of my study until PhD, but don’t forget I was writing about every term that I show off about my study, even if that’s informal of all.” And I really do my thesis twice at bachelor non-degree and master non-degree; Egalitaritma and Antropologi Mitos. And about Egalitaritma, this my monumental inventive;
1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 =
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 =
0 + 0+ 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0
In this case, I swore that I highest than formal-lecture in Indonesia, even a lecture of history called Deddy Arsya have written an essay, Universitas Sebagai Cangkang Kosong , that’s essay describe about impotent of scientist that haven’t ever create any monumental issue in contemporary. And I remember when 2020th I make an explosive-effect after I share one of Koran verse named Al-Kahfi. After that, I say to everyone that I’m The Mahdi or The Real Messiah with a sign after they ask me, “Who are you?”
“Don’t you think that I’m The Imam?”
“Damn!” they said with dumbfounded.
#
I’m on join in Physics Major by online course right now, actually on Multiverse, Biophysics and Quantum-Physics at GSI, one place with hyperrealism of me that I called Old York, when the first time it reminds me with a song titled Somewhere by Within Temptation, a music group from Holland. But when I said to someone whose belong to this characters’ story after he asked about me, “Are you lecture or student?”
Like I always said, “I just homeschooler,”
Then the one ask to me, “What did you learn?”
“Indonesian Literature and Philosophy,”
“Philosophy, what kind of that’s?”
“Existence,”
“Whose you learn?”
“Sartre and Heidegger.”
“Good!” said him, “And then? Indonesian Literature?”
“Sociology Literature,”
“Whose belong to?”
“Sapardi Djoko Damono.”
“I know him, the thin person.”
“Okay, this will be going to night,”
“Good evening.”
“You’re welcome.”
This is my conversation with Mr. Reeve, at the first time we met and long times after I seeing his book in the internet computer-rental near of my home, when I still teenage in West Sumatra, around 2017 or may be 2018, it might be when I was 20, one years before my teacher in Creative Writings Class published my book, after Emil’s Mentation that I publish on underground, my teacher publish my story with Gadis Siput, Narasi-narasi Episodik yang Bikin Baper Gadis Siput: After Yos Sudarso. I give Mr. Reeve one of that’s book, then he gave me his published book by Komunitas Bambu. Nice conversations.
#
My mother usually went to my room. I don’t know why, but it so disturb me. Even my mom praying for my successful in my dimensional-works, like writings, typing, tale, drawings, paintings in canvas or walls. But even if she disturb me, that I don’t know her reason to always make cuckoos with her phone, or her bionic-head sounds with talk to me even if I don’t want to talk with anybody, and when I thinking is it her is my biologic-parent or like Tarzan-life—this case her not my biologic-parent—with my first memory in first experience, I’m on outer space with much of stars, then a light-ball with blue and red color, explodes and make me fall to earth. Since that’s experience, I know and believe the theory of big bang.
#
If there are more people beside Mr. Reeve that’s asking me who am I, it would be lovely will I show that’s I’m on studying about Niels Bohr biography with any facts about him, and I also study about Emil du-Bois Reymound biography and facts about him, and also Michio Kaku and anything about him. I don’t have any reason of crap to Mr. Reeve, but I ask to him for write a testimonial—I mean, the endorsement, because that’s was one of requirements in the page of BECOME AN AUTHOR on the publisher-website—and I’m already to next good conversation with Mr. Reeve more, especially about Physics if he interest of that. My name’s Emil, and this is my confession.
#
I remember when Ghea Indrawari, an Indonesian musician that’s before being a superstar when she make a song Jiwa yang Bersedih (Souls’ Tears), she make another songs like Keajaiban (Miracle) which tells about when she’s not predict about yearning and loving someone who’s far away and she’s believe of that’s miracle got to change from her feeling of love into full of loving from her crush, then Kurelakan (Letting You Go) after my teacher in Creative Writing Class was publish the story about me and Gadis Siput which telling the one and only is Gadis Siput and I let her choice whatever is it, that I give her my tolerance to loving anybody. One of her song, Berjalan Meninggalkanmu (I Walk Out from Your Life) I sent to Kaoru when she betray me, after she said, “I’m not your girlfriend. Our relationship is not like that.”
But Ghea Indrawari send to me by an application in the one of social media, a piece of Dark Horse song from Katy Perry, “Make me your one and only!”
Then I have a dream in my sleeping beauty, that I get intercourse with her naked bodies. That’s my first experience with her, she riding me at up my stomach, I feels so lovely and also feels it so delicious moment, even if it just only one time.
© 2024
© puisi naruto
