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Just a little Love
I hate the day I was born.
They say events or people can change others, and I did. I changed my family, and my arrival did.
My mom went through hell when she was pregnant with me, she lost so much weight and blood, and her condition frightened my father so much that he feared for her.
My father, however, suggested an abortion, he couldn't afford to lose his wife for a child he has not met, and I don't blame him for that. My mother refused to do his bidding and went on carrying me till the day of my delivery which unfortunately was the worst thing that happened to my family.
The day I was born, my dad drove from work to the hospital, he was the happiest man ever, his wife and child were safe and healthy, and he told everyone that his wife has just delivered like every other Father would have done.
My father had longed so much for a girl child, and it seemed like a prayer answered, but I gave him the biggest disappointment of his entire life.
When he walked into the maternity ward and saw little me all gigging to myself, his eyes were etched on me, he was slack-jawed, and his expressions were inscrutable. Then after a while, he became doleful and irritated, raging with anger, he stormed out of the hospital chagrined.
After the incident that happened in the hospital, my father has not been the father and husband my mom and brothers knew, he seemed like a whole different person living in my father's body.
As I grew, I have never heard my father call me by my name, or looked at me twice, the way he treated my siblings was a lot different from how I was treated.
One night I overheard my parents talking, more like whispering, my father was trying so hard to persuade my mother into abandoning me at the orphanage, my mouth went dry and my bones turned to water, I stood there motionless, peeking through the door, I was too frightened to step away from the door.
After a while, I went into my room and made the heavens cry, that day, I realized that what my father had for me wasn't hatred but he loathed me, so I tried my possible best to stay out of his sight.
My father thinks I'm a witch, I had a very traumatic childhood, I was bullied by every living thing that came across me, except for my mom, whose love was more than the zillions, but I never knew this till she passed on to the afterlife.
Not a single thing loved me, cats, dogs, and even birds poop on me to show how irritated and grossed out they were by me, I was a shadow of myself.
When I was nine I stopped speaking at all, not because I was ill or anything but because I also found myself and words irrelevant, so I resorted to not speaking at all.
My father and siblings would always remind me of how bad luck I am, that my mom passed away because of me, and that I was the reason for their misfortune.
Yet, it wasn't my fault I was born this way, I never asked to be this way.
My siblings treated me like trash, my dad made them believe I was a monster...
After my mom passed away, I learned I have what the medical field calls "hermaphrodite".
You probably may or may not have heard it before...
Well, a hermaphrodite is a person having both the male and female reproductive organs or sexual characteristics.
In order words, I am an inter-sexual person
And yes we do exist!
While growing up I looked so much like a girl child, my mom would doll me up as one too but that only lasted until I hit puberty...
That was when my whole world began to crumble right in front of me.
I heard people talk when I pass by, mothers would prevent their children from talking or being friends with me, and I couldn't understand why...
I had no one to ask, my friends at school couldn't understand how I began to change.
We all grew up as girls, but I was the only one who changed to the opposite sex, they were afraid so they all left like everyone else.
It was all strange to me, I should be having boobs like my peers, but it was the other way round, my voice deepened, I began to look masculine, and to crown it all, I began growing beards too.
That was when I noticed I was different, the little girl in the pictures, wasn't the man standing in front of me...
I was no girl, neither was I fully a man, I was different. I had both the male and female reproductive systems.
Somehow, I began to understand why my dad loathed me, I began to understand the little gossip in the streets.
I felt strange, I felt like a monster, but I was human too, I am human.
I never asked to be an inter-sexual person, I never asked to be born either, then why treat me like it was all my fault?
So many times have I resorted to suicide, I was depressed, I hated every part of me right from the strands of my hair and the dust of my feet, they were all disgusting to me.
I had no one to blame, so I began to blame God, I would always ponder on why he had to make me this way, why make ridiculed me, I would always think...
One day, while flipping through the pages of my Bible, I came across this chapter of the Bible, Psalms 139:13-14, I paused, smiled with scorn, and then shouted...
Is this being wonderfully made!!!
I had a lot of questions to ask, but we were told in Sunday schools that " We don't ask God questions"
Then how was I supposed to get my answers?
I thought he was meant to be a friend, and the father I never felt I had?...
Then why can't I ask him the questions, I couldn't ask anyone else?
I had a billion questions in my head.
Then I finally did, I did ask
And for the first time, he said I was beautifully made...
I believed it instantly, I didn't want anyone telling me I was hearing voices, I felt that inner peace and joy, and I was glad I heard something nice about myself...
So I began to love myself, for who I was and who I am.
I began to read books and listen to inspirational messages about self-love and loved myself more...
It wasn't my fault I was born this way, so I shouldn't be hated for being this way.
Society made me believe I was a monster when I am just human like them. Intersex people are people too.
People with deformities are people too, those flaws are what makes us different, not fewer humans...
Just because we are not like you, doesn't mean we should be treated like dirt and monsters, learn to love us too, so we can learn to live with our flaws.
Not everyone would be able to accept themselves as I did, but a little love from you might make them do, this isn't just for the intersex persons but for all those with disabilities all over the world...
Your love might save a soul,
So spread the love.
© Joyce Godswill
They say events or people can change others, and I did. I changed my family, and my arrival did.
My mom went through hell when she was pregnant with me, she lost so much weight and blood, and her condition frightened my father so much that he feared for her.
My father, however, suggested an abortion, he couldn't afford to lose his wife for a child he has not met, and I don't blame him for that. My mother refused to do his bidding and went on carrying me till the day of my delivery which unfortunately was the worst thing that happened to my family.
The day I was born, my dad drove from work to the hospital, he was the happiest man ever, his wife and child were safe and healthy, and he told everyone that his wife has just delivered like every other Father would have done.
My father had longed so much for a girl child, and it seemed like a prayer answered, but I gave him the biggest disappointment of his entire life.
When he walked into the maternity ward and saw little me all gigging to myself, his eyes were etched on me, he was slack-jawed, and his expressions were inscrutable. Then after a while, he became doleful and irritated, raging with anger, he stormed out of the hospital chagrined.
After the incident that happened in the hospital, my father has not been the father and husband my mom and brothers knew, he seemed like a whole different person living in my father's body.
As I grew, I have never heard my father call me by my name, or looked at me twice, the way he treated my siblings was a lot different from how I was treated.
One night I overheard my parents talking, more like whispering, my father was trying so hard to persuade my mother into abandoning me at the orphanage, my mouth went dry and my bones turned to water, I stood there motionless, peeking through the door, I was too frightened to step away from the door.
After a while, I went into my room and made the heavens cry, that day, I realized that what my father had for me wasn't hatred but he loathed me, so I tried my possible best to stay out of his sight.
My father thinks I'm a witch, I had a very traumatic childhood, I was bullied by every living thing that came across me, except for my mom, whose love was more than the zillions, but I never knew this till she passed on to the afterlife.
Not a single thing loved me, cats, dogs, and even birds poop on me to show how irritated and grossed out they were by me, I was a shadow of myself.
When I was nine I stopped speaking at all, not because I was ill or anything but because I also found myself and words irrelevant, so I resorted to not speaking at all.
My father and siblings would always remind me of how bad luck I am, that my mom passed away because of me, and that I was the reason for their misfortune.
Yet, it wasn't my fault I was born this way, I never asked to be this way.
My siblings treated me like trash, my dad made them believe I was a monster...
After my mom passed away, I learned I have what the medical field calls "hermaphrodite".
You probably may or may not have heard it before...
Well, a hermaphrodite is a person having both the male and female reproductive organs or sexual characteristics.
In order words, I am an inter-sexual person
And yes we do exist!
While growing up I looked so much like a girl child, my mom would doll me up as one too but that only lasted until I hit puberty...
That was when my whole world began to crumble right in front of me.
I heard people talk when I pass by, mothers would prevent their children from talking or being friends with me, and I couldn't understand why...
I had no one to ask, my friends at school couldn't understand how I began to change.
We all grew up as girls, but I was the only one who changed to the opposite sex, they were afraid so they all left like everyone else.
It was all strange to me, I should be having boobs like my peers, but it was the other way round, my voice deepened, I began to look masculine, and to crown it all, I began growing beards too.
That was when I noticed I was different, the little girl in the pictures, wasn't the man standing in front of me...
I was no girl, neither was I fully a man, I was different. I had both the male and female reproductive systems.
Somehow, I began to understand why my dad loathed me, I began to understand the little gossip in the streets.
I felt strange, I felt like a monster, but I was human too, I am human.
I never asked to be an inter-sexual person, I never asked to be born either, then why treat me like it was all my fault?
So many times have I resorted to suicide, I was depressed, I hated every part of me right from the strands of my hair and the dust of my feet, they were all disgusting to me.
I had no one to blame, so I began to blame God, I would always ponder on why he had to make me this way, why make ridiculed me, I would always think...
One day, while flipping through the pages of my Bible, I came across this chapter of the Bible, Psalms 139:13-14, I paused, smiled with scorn, and then shouted...
Is this being wonderfully made!!!
I had a lot of questions to ask, but we were told in Sunday schools that " We don't ask God questions"
Then how was I supposed to get my answers?
I thought he was meant to be a friend, and the father I never felt I had?...
Then why can't I ask him the questions, I couldn't ask anyone else?
I had a billion questions in my head.
Then I finally did, I did ask
And for the first time, he said I was beautifully made...
I believed it instantly, I didn't want anyone telling me I was hearing voices, I felt that inner peace and joy, and I was glad I heard something nice about myself...
So I began to love myself, for who I was and who I am.
I began to read books and listen to inspirational messages about self-love and loved myself more...
It wasn't my fault I was born this way, so I shouldn't be hated for being this way.
Society made me believe I was a monster when I am just human like them. Intersex people are people too.
People with deformities are people too, those flaws are what makes us different, not fewer humans...
Just because we are not like you, doesn't mean we should be treated like dirt and monsters, learn to love us too, so we can learn to live with our flaws.
Not everyone would be able to accept themselves as I did, but a little love from you might make them do, this isn't just for the intersex persons but for all those with disabilities all over the world...
Your love might save a soul,
So spread the love.
© Joyce Godswill
