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Missing You.
“I missed you!” she cried, voice coarse. “Why would you do that? Why would you run off without me? I missed you!”
Tomislav cringed on impulse. He held his tongue as Natia continued,
“And, sure, now you’ve come back, but have you really? I still miss you! It doesn’t feel like you’re here with me, even when I can feel your body heat. I miss you, Tomislav! And you’re standing right in front of me…” Her body slumped defeatedly as her fire escaped with her exhale.
Natia grabbed the thin, wispy ends in the tail of her braid. She flicked the strands between her fingers as she faced the large bay windows. Her eyes followed the fall of raindrop after raindrop on the cool surface.
Still facing away, she whispered, “Sometimes I wonder whether it would have been better if you’d stayed away. I’d begun healing, y’know? I’d begun to come to terms with the fact that you’d abandoned me for your next adventure. And then you come back here, and it’s been all for nothing.”
“I’m sorry,” came Tomislav’s croaked reply.
“I know.”
“I’m no good with all of this long term relationship stuff,” he implored.
“I know.”
“For all that I desire and NEED healthy relationships, there’s something inside me that is determined to destroy every good relationship in my life. It freaks out when things start to feel too comfortable, too easy, too consistent,” he explained.
“I know.”
“My instinct is to run as soon as something feels good. My brain is wired to interpret this contentment as a threat to my future safety for whenever that person inevitably leaves me. So I do stupid things to make them leave me earlier, or I leave myself,” Tomislav’s mouth was moving on its own accord at this point. He was helpless to its barrage of verbal vomit.
“I know,” was Natia’s infuriating repeated reply.
Even more infuriating was the fact that Tomislav knew she was right. She did know. She did understand. She’d been so patient and understanding, and for what? For Tomislav to leave her and disappear for weeks with no contact? She deserved better.
Natia’s low groan broke Tomislav from his descending spiral, “Tom, stop. Just - just stop. I can see you shutting down from here.”
Raising his head to meet her tired gaze, Tomislav felt a cold sense of dread settle at the bottom of his stomach as he saw the resigned disappointment in Natia’s eyes.
He did that.
He caused that.
He was a piece of shit.
“Can we just talk about this, please?” she pleaded. “I’ll listen to you, but I also need you to listen to me. To hear me. Because, Tom, I don’t want to miss you! I shouldn’t miss you! Not when you’re right in front of me! So we need to fix this.”
Tomislav nodded. A sharp, jolting movement that betrayed his discomfort. For Natia, though, for Natia he’d try.
“Would you like to go first?” Natia’s voice was soft. She settled onto the aged red love seat and gazed at Tomislav inquiringly. He felt her eyes follow him as he nodded again and began to pace backwards and forwards.
“I know you know. I know that you get it,” he started. After a swift glance at Natia’s facial expression, Tomislav continued. “And that’s not me having a go at you. It’s the complete opposite, really. I feel so lucky to have found someone so understanding and willing to put up with my bullshit.”
Laughing humourlessly, Tomislav stated, “I never thought I’d deserve someone as amazing as you. I still don’t, if I’m completely honest. And I think that’s where a lot of my relevant issues with relationships stem from,...
Tomislav cringed on impulse. He held his tongue as Natia continued,
“And, sure, now you’ve come back, but have you really? I still miss you! It doesn’t feel like you’re here with me, even when I can feel your body heat. I miss you, Tomislav! And you’re standing right in front of me…” Her body slumped defeatedly as her fire escaped with her exhale.
Natia grabbed the thin, wispy ends in the tail of her braid. She flicked the strands between her fingers as she faced the large bay windows. Her eyes followed the fall of raindrop after raindrop on the cool surface.
Still facing away, she whispered, “Sometimes I wonder whether it would have been better if you’d stayed away. I’d begun healing, y’know? I’d begun to come to terms with the fact that you’d abandoned me for your next adventure. And then you come back here, and it’s been all for nothing.”
“I’m sorry,” came Tomislav’s croaked reply.
“I know.”
“I’m no good with all of this long term relationship stuff,” he implored.
“I know.”
“For all that I desire and NEED healthy relationships, there’s something inside me that is determined to destroy every good relationship in my life. It freaks out when things start to feel too comfortable, too easy, too consistent,” he explained.
“I know.”
“My instinct is to run as soon as something feels good. My brain is wired to interpret this contentment as a threat to my future safety for whenever that person inevitably leaves me. So I do stupid things to make them leave me earlier, or I leave myself,” Tomislav’s mouth was moving on its own accord at this point. He was helpless to its barrage of verbal vomit.
“I know,” was Natia’s infuriating repeated reply.
Even more infuriating was the fact that Tomislav knew she was right. She did know. She did understand. She’d been so patient and understanding, and for what? For Tomislav to leave her and disappear for weeks with no contact? She deserved better.
Natia’s low groan broke Tomislav from his descending spiral, “Tom, stop. Just - just stop. I can see you shutting down from here.”
Raising his head to meet her tired gaze, Tomislav felt a cold sense of dread settle at the bottom of his stomach as he saw the resigned disappointment in Natia’s eyes.
He did that.
He caused that.
He was a piece of shit.
“Can we just talk about this, please?” she pleaded. “I’ll listen to you, but I also need you to listen to me. To hear me. Because, Tom, I don’t want to miss you! I shouldn’t miss you! Not when you’re right in front of me! So we need to fix this.”
Tomislav nodded. A sharp, jolting movement that betrayed his discomfort. For Natia, though, for Natia he’d try.
“Would you like to go first?” Natia’s voice was soft. She settled onto the aged red love seat and gazed at Tomislav inquiringly. He felt her eyes follow him as he nodded again and began to pace backwards and forwards.
“I know you know. I know that you get it,” he started. After a swift glance at Natia’s facial expression, Tomislav continued. “And that’s not me having a go at you. It’s the complete opposite, really. I feel so lucky to have found someone so understanding and willing to put up with my bullshit.”
Laughing humourlessly, Tomislav stated, “I never thought I’d deserve someone as amazing as you. I still don’t, if I’m completely honest. And I think that’s where a lot of my relevant issues with relationships stem from,...
