it's 3:33AM.
as usual I am exhausted, followed with a pounding headache.
the place is quiet, and so I find a bit of peace.

my thoughts are same old, I find myself muttering to myself, rembering wrongs done to me and wondering where I went with my life.

I had such dreams.

I haven't spoken to my close friend much, because frankly I sound like a broken record, pardon me for being depressed.

my depression was not as intense as a child, because I thought I had time to be better.

so much time has passed and it scares me, my to do list foreign within my hand.

I keep thinking I deserve all this, I have done my dirt, this is punishment for thinking I could create my own bubble.

well shit.

normally being the person with back up plans, I have never been so lost.

I have absolutely no plans, my ambition rebels and I fight myself, my dreams and my reality.

family support goes along way, but I won't seek help for the even more broken.

I almost wished I was a smoker, a drinker, it would numb things. I know that numbing things is just delaying the inevitable, I have seen the results.

I try not to let bitterness over take me but Lord knows I am so weak, tired, so it catches me at times, I am honest to admit.

I love that I know my limits, I know my faults, in this I can be honest with myself.

there's this older voice in my head, she corrects me, she listens and understands my struggles and most importantly, she doesn't judge.

she tells me to write, be it poetry or just my ramblings, she tells me if I do not do so, I will be lost to her.

so I listen , for I know myself.


© C.Wynter