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diary of a lost girl novel part 2
part 2 of part 1
September 22, 1992
Bob's 52nd!
I'm going to mee Gordon in half an hour - to go cycling. I'm taking some time to sit here over-looking Whitemud Creek to write. I feel Gordon called me because no one else is around. I am trying to remain friends, but I almost resent him. I must pay him today.
My nice new car is getting to cost me money already. Oh well.
I saw Jim Hakowieg today. Seems useless to pursue anything.
Spiritually, I'm growing so quickly. Apparently Dom has asked Gordon and ME!! to organize the March for Jesus!!
Humbling, cstatic, enthusiasm, awe.
September 23, 1992
Went to Chickaroo Lake with Gordon today and got there after much ado at his place!
Learned through telling Gordon that maybe what one is bothered by in others stems from a reaction in oneself to something in us..past experience not dealt with.
I felt I could be close to Gordon but I cannot allow myself to be because I fear it won't be reciprocated and I'll feel really foolish and rejected.
When we hugged several times, I know I was only doing so half-heartedly and would not allow more. He seems to be playing games. Why can we not be open and honest! Am I only feeling these things? Is he really so unaware? He gives messages which are interpreted in ways in which he may or may not mean them but of which I feel he should be made aware. When I parrated his phrase of "I don't feel enough for you to pursue anything further" he replied without a hug, "but Noreen I don't feel that way". Games, games, mind games.
I won't soon forget the beauty of the sun, reflecting the gold of the trees, on the glass still lake. I was up until 2 A.M again!
When I arrived home "How to Handle Tough Times" was in my mail! God is providing.
And in my prayer time I relaized during the March for Jesus we have to figure out HOW to bring others to know our joy.
September 28, 1992
Bless be the Rock
Of my Saluation!
Yesterday - the Scripture showed me how rich I am - I have decided to give my basement things away. I tithed and prayed so hard that I wasn't making a deal! Gordon and I cycled from 4:00 til I drove him home at midnight. We're still playing games of safety. Neither of us is ready to be honest with each other, let alone ourselves - or vice versa. He's asked me to take him to the airport and says that's special. I feel soon we'll be open and honest.
Debra phoned! I spoke to her and Gordon fell asleep on my living room floor. Kind of special all around.
Later that day:
How!
God has answered my prayers and rewarded my faith! I recieved a card from Peppa - the card was so uplifting that I wept in joy and humility. God has provided so much.
Then I opened the envelope which containted the first installment of my LTDI! Praise god.
With whom does one share the joy and release?
I praised, prayed and wept and then I called DDom, Dianna and Brian. So much I have been blessed with. The lottery could never mean as much as this cheque.
My faith is strong although I sometimes wonder if I'm fooling myself. Better to question myself than become complacent!
September 29, 1992
Brian's 35th birthday - and we had dinner out last night. I'm sitting on the grass overlooking the Equestriian Centre sort of wishing I was canoeing I don't believe Gordon and I will go tomorrow!
Tomorrow I'll get all the evidence I'll need to qualify for the mortgage. God has arranged all of that, too! And I'm networking through God. I want so much to hear His Voice for me!!
October 2, 1992
At Ann's in Ershaw. What a way to start a new month - 4 hour lunch with Val and now sharing at Ann's.
I miss knowing Roger is there for us. I want to write a long open letter to him. I'm disappointed that he made a commitment and cannot live up to it, although I'm not toally surprised. But I don't know how many more times in my lifetime I'll be able to believe a man's commitment. I'm a little afraid. I don't have a human safety net - but I DO have a spiritual one!
Rest in Him
Darry ye in Jerusalem
Until you have
strenth to go on.
Praise God. I'm crying.
I had a long talk with Gordon last night and our barriers are firmly in place. He's interested in anyone but me! So, I guess it's still safe. Do I want it to be? Do I want any kind of relationship with Gordon? What about Roger? I feel he's already gone..
How sad.
How much I learned
and grew
with you
Roger.
How do I
learn to grow
with me
now that
you're gone,
Roger.
God is eternal
and eternally with me.
How ever could I show Roger that my existence and very being is God based and given. All my actions, decisions, wants, desires, whole self are spiritual based and would not, could not be without God? Would he ever be able to understand. Does he have any idea that his sexual desires are his problem?
Gordon acknowledged his hormones the other day and the fact that he must control them is a given. Is that the difference between one who knows and one who does not know God? Why do I know these two men? God, please let Roger see You.
I love him.
Saturday
Wonderful day! Sunny and warm - weather and people! Took the dogs, Jasper and Murphy to Grotto and Yammiska. Saw beauty all around and coaxed three horses using apples! Tremendous Hutterite chicken dinner;
Good people, talked about Roger.
Lord I do love him.
Oh Father
Work in his heart
in his life
Dont let us part
Shall I
be his wife?
Tuesday, October 6
Sandra and I attended a U of A Lecture on menopause for Heaven's sake - and all it means is cessation of the menstrual cycle!
Boy, what a week. I've enjoyed Gordon He had so much fun yesterday, eating at the Kresge counter, hurrying out to his peugeot dealer - he almost got killed, almost running out of gas! Saying goodbye at the aiport - looking into his eyes and into his very soul.
And Roger called.
And John called.
Who, Lord?
Wednesday, October 7
Glorious day!
I walked to see Dr. Pearman. How! Do I ever feel connected having seen this man! I feel I have finally spoken to someone on a different plane - a plane where I've always been but without anyone to whom I could connect! It's powerful! I have natural medication. I believe it will work inand with me to assist my bladder to heal and to shrink the fibroids, warts, to regulate hormones, to ease menstrual pain and to rid my body of toxins! Wait till I speak to Marianne!
I hope John cannot come up.
God is so good!
Thursday, October 8
Saw Dr. Van Holk today only very briefly. He still was able to have an effect on me, though. I saw how I still have fear when it comes to the dig. Assembly - I even feel apprehension WRITING the name of it! He completed the forms together and I feel real relief at having done so!
Also, I re-discovered my "pleaser" personality, even in responding to someone loving me - not necessarily because I CHOOSE to, but simply do so because they love me first. I guess I figure I should love them.
Interesting that Pearman picked up on my personality/body type rather liking to toy with and manipulate men! Because of my current experience of adolescense, I can actually relate to that observation. As Jacques has pointed out...so many men - what if I settle for the wrong one?! Better keep trying on shoes!
let me know if you're interested in more in the comments!!!
September 22, 1992
Bob's 52nd!
I'm going to mee Gordon in half an hour - to go cycling. I'm taking some time to sit here over-looking Whitemud Creek to write. I feel Gordon called me because no one else is around. I am trying to remain friends, but I almost resent him. I must pay him today.
My nice new car is getting to cost me money already. Oh well.
I saw Jim Hakowieg today. Seems useless to pursue anything.
Spiritually, I'm growing so quickly. Apparently Dom has asked Gordon and ME!! to organize the March for Jesus!!
Humbling, cstatic, enthusiasm, awe.
September 23, 1992
Went to Chickaroo Lake with Gordon today and got there after much ado at his place!
Learned through telling Gordon that maybe what one is bothered by in others stems from a reaction in oneself to something in us..past experience not dealt with.
I felt I could be close to Gordon but I cannot allow myself to be because I fear it won't be reciprocated and I'll feel really foolish and rejected.
When we hugged several times, I know I was only doing so half-heartedly and would not allow more. He seems to be playing games. Why can we not be open and honest! Am I only feeling these things? Is he really so unaware? He gives messages which are interpreted in ways in which he may or may not mean them but of which I feel he should be made aware. When I parrated his phrase of "I don't feel enough for you to pursue anything further" he replied without a hug, "but Noreen I don't feel that way". Games, games, mind games.
I won't soon forget the beauty of the sun, reflecting the gold of the trees, on the glass still lake. I was up until 2 A.M again!
When I arrived home "How to Handle Tough Times" was in my mail! God is providing.
And in my prayer time I relaized during the March for Jesus we have to figure out HOW to bring others to know our joy.
September 28, 1992
Bless be the Rock
Of my Saluation!
Yesterday - the Scripture showed me how rich I am - I have decided to give my basement things away. I tithed and prayed so hard that I wasn't making a deal! Gordon and I cycled from 4:00 til I drove him home at midnight. We're still playing games of safety. Neither of us is ready to be honest with each other, let alone ourselves - or vice versa. He's asked me to take him to the airport and says that's special. I feel soon we'll be open and honest.
Debra phoned! I spoke to her and Gordon fell asleep on my living room floor. Kind of special all around.
Later that day:
How!
God has answered my prayers and rewarded my faith! I recieved a card from Peppa - the card was so uplifting that I wept in joy and humility. God has provided so much.
Then I opened the envelope which containted the first installment of my LTDI! Praise god.
With whom does one share the joy and release?
I praised, prayed and wept and then I called DDom, Dianna and Brian. So much I have been blessed with. The lottery could never mean as much as this cheque.
My faith is strong although I sometimes wonder if I'm fooling myself. Better to question myself than become complacent!
September 29, 1992
Brian's 35th birthday - and we had dinner out last night. I'm sitting on the grass overlooking the Equestriian Centre sort of wishing I was canoeing I don't believe Gordon and I will go tomorrow!
Tomorrow I'll get all the evidence I'll need to qualify for the mortgage. God has arranged all of that, too! And I'm networking through God. I want so much to hear His Voice for me!!
October 2, 1992
At Ann's in Ershaw. What a way to start a new month - 4 hour lunch with Val and now sharing at Ann's.
I miss knowing Roger is there for us. I want to write a long open letter to him. I'm disappointed that he made a commitment and cannot live up to it, although I'm not toally surprised. But I don't know how many more times in my lifetime I'll be able to believe a man's commitment. I'm a little afraid. I don't have a human safety net - but I DO have a spiritual one!
Rest in Him
Darry ye in Jerusalem
Until you have
strenth to go on.
Praise God. I'm crying.
I had a long talk with Gordon last night and our barriers are firmly in place. He's interested in anyone but me! So, I guess it's still safe. Do I want it to be? Do I want any kind of relationship with Gordon? What about Roger? I feel he's already gone..
How sad.
How much I learned
and grew
with you
Roger.
How do I
learn to grow
with me
now that
you're gone,
Roger.
God is eternal
and eternally with me.
How ever could I show Roger that my existence and very being is God based and given. All my actions, decisions, wants, desires, whole self are spiritual based and would not, could not be without God? Would he ever be able to understand. Does he have any idea that his sexual desires are his problem?
Gordon acknowledged his hormones the other day and the fact that he must control them is a given. Is that the difference between one who knows and one who does not know God? Why do I know these two men? God, please let Roger see You.
I love him.
Saturday
Wonderful day! Sunny and warm - weather and people! Took the dogs, Jasper and Murphy to Grotto and Yammiska. Saw beauty all around and coaxed three horses using apples! Tremendous Hutterite chicken dinner;
Good people, talked about Roger.
Lord I do love him.
Oh Father
Work in his heart
in his life
Dont let us part
Shall I
be his wife?
Tuesday, October 6
Sandra and I attended a U of A Lecture on menopause for Heaven's sake - and all it means is cessation of the menstrual cycle!
Boy, what a week. I've enjoyed Gordon He had so much fun yesterday, eating at the Kresge counter, hurrying out to his peugeot dealer - he almost got killed, almost running out of gas! Saying goodbye at the aiport - looking into his eyes and into his very soul.
And Roger called.
And John called.
Who, Lord?
Wednesday, October 7
Glorious day!
I walked to see Dr. Pearman. How! Do I ever feel connected having seen this man! I feel I have finally spoken to someone on a different plane - a plane where I've always been but without anyone to whom I could connect! It's powerful! I have natural medication. I believe it will work inand with me to assist my bladder to heal and to shrink the fibroids, warts, to regulate hormones, to ease menstrual pain and to rid my body of toxins! Wait till I speak to Marianne!
I hope John cannot come up.
God is so good!
Thursday, October 8
Saw Dr. Van Holk today only very briefly. He still was able to have an effect on me, though. I saw how I still have fear when it comes to the dig. Assembly - I even feel apprehension WRITING the name of it! He completed the forms together and I feel real relief at having done so!
Also, I re-discovered my "pleaser" personality, even in responding to someone loving me - not necessarily because I CHOOSE to, but simply do so because they love me first. I guess I figure I should love them.
Interesting that Pearman picked up on my personality/body type rather liking to toy with and manipulate men! Because of my current experience of adolescense, I can actually relate to that observation. As Jacques has pointed out...so many men - what if I settle for the wrong one?! Better keep trying on shoes!
let me know if you're interested in more in the comments!!!
