They said that Christmas is for everyone. Well at least for them they think that Christmas is for everyone but for people like me, Christmas is only for them; for people who are celebrating and laughing and enjoying whatever they experienced at that moment but for me who is suffering and alone, I think that Christmas is not for me. It isn't meant for me. I've always known that I have experienced Christmas all by myself, just lying on my bed and pretend like it isn't a holiday to celebrate. It seems like it is just a normal day for me, a day will pass and then another one came.

Until one day, everything changed when I met Luke. He's the person who made me feel like I mattered. He is person that makes me feel like I'm the most precious possession that should be taken care of. I admit that it feels nice, it was my first time to experience that feeling.

The most unexpected thing for me happened when Luke asked me if he could court me. That moment, I was stunned, unable to move and completely speechless. It was also my first time to have experience such thing, like being courted and having people making me feel so special. It's overwhelming.

The courting stage didn't last long, it was never in my belief to prolong such thing like knowing each other first before settling into something deep, serious, and meaningful. Why prolong it when you can do it in the process of making your relationship work?

Time passes by so fast and here comes Christmas again but now that I have Luke I won't be alone anymore. I won't be pretending that it is just a normal day when in fact it is indeed a very happy holiday that is worth celebrating for. Surely, the memories that we might share will be treasured.

But, everything has its own ending.

Our relationship began to crumble when Luke decided to waste everything we had.

His ex-girlfriend, whom he loved so dearly, came back while me I was ignored. I tried to fix what we have but Luke didn't cooperate, my fighting for our relationship went on for a year. I endured every pain he emotionally inflicted on me. I stayed by him when he clearly shows me that he doesn't want me anymore, I was thinking that maybe if I stayed he would realize everything that he was doing is wrong and that he would fix what he had with me but I was utterly wrong. I clearly saw it with my own two eyes, the sight of him kissing and making out with his ex-girlfriend is more than enough shatter me. He never showed care to me when I left and my tears streaming down my face.

I decided to leave. I went back to my apartment and stayed there while sulking and crying my heart out but no matter I hold back my tears it still keeps on coming down. I thought that I mastered pretending but I was wrong, pretending is still hard.

Christmas came but instead of celebrating it I lay on my bed crying. I went back to my old routine during Christmas.

I am tired.

I don't want this anymore.

I've had enough.

Do I really deserve this?

Mindlessly, I took my camera and turned it on into a video mode. I sat farther facing it and started what I wanted to do.

"Luke, I don't know how to thank for giving me such a wonderful experience. It feels great, at least I have a happy memory. You made me experience what it feels like to celebrate Christmas of not being alone. I am happy that I had been a part of your life at least for a short time. You're a wonderful person, Luke, and you don’t deserve someone like me; you deserve someone who isn't as messed up as I am; you deserve someone who is not miserable as I am. You deserve the best, Luke. As you decided to close our chapter, you might as well grant my last wish as you close the last page of our story. Forget me, Luke. Burn everything that will remind you of my existence. Continue your life without me. Close our book, Luke, and write a new story without me in it. If you are watching this, I might be gone already, I'm tired. It wasn't meant for me. You are not meant for me. Burn this camera along with my things. Take care of yourself, Luke. I love you……."

I wiped my tears when I finished taping it. I'm tired and I can't do this anymore.

The blanket that is tied up on the ceiling is waiting for me, I have to go. I climbed up the chair and slid my head in between encircled blanket then I kicked the chair causing it to fall as the blanket choke me then everything went black.

--------------2 weeks later----------------

Luke was holding the camera while watching her last video. His shoulders are shaking and his tears are falling down helplessly. He was watching the last video of the girl he love, the girl he left for someone from his past who played a game on him. He, getting back with his ex is just part of a dare. He wasted everything and now he lost her.

"I should have been there…." was all he could mutter.

P.S.: There are still a lot of stories that I haven't posted here, I've written them a long time ago and I just thought maybe you might wanna read it. Do you want more?
© ophelia's