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Afraid To Trust
Afraid To Trust
Let’s Be Real
Let’s be honest…
Nobody is ever “happy” about therapy or counseling. When we experience trauma of any kind someone almost always recommends “talking to someone”. My honest opinion or thoughts on that may be different than most people. Yes I have been to therapy on more than one occasion. Yes this person may have went to school and got certified to help people in that way; but how can this person truly help me if they don’t personally understand what I’ve been through or experienced. So I’m finally sharing my story in hopes of helping someone, anyone who can relate. If your judgemential please don’t read my story. If you have ever been through something traumatic, felt like giving up, asked yourself “will I ever be enough” or “will I ever be good enough” then please read and know that SOMEONE does understand.
Now no one person can ever 100% fully understand how you feel even if they have been through the EXACT same situation; because every single person IS their own person with their own feelings and reactions. We may understand what each other has been through and can relate but no 2 people have the EXACT same feelings and thoughts. So never say to someone I know or understand “exactly” how you feel. Instead try saying “I can relate” or “I understand what that is like” always be supportive of each other because you never know when that ONE person that can actually relate to our situation might be put in your life and sometimes that one person may be what saves our lives.
I am a 32 year old mother of 3 on my second marriage. Not to bad compared to some but let me tell you what it took to get where I’m at today.
In The Beginning
“You missed” is what I remember saying when I was 4 years old as we played in the snow outside our trailer. I remember bedtime stories, playing Duck Hunter on the super Nintendo, watching Darkwing Duck and Bonkers, my very 1st cat that you got me even though you hated cats. The best was learning to ride my bike with no training wheels.
You were the 1st dad I knew. You were the only dad I knew at that time. I remember getting in trouble and having to stand in the corner. I remember how I never got my butt whooped unless I really deserved it; like when I played with fire one time, I got my whooped and my FAVORITE baby doll taken away. You were the best daddy a little girl could ask for.
I also remember you hitting my mom as I sit and watched feeling helpless as she asked me for a rag just to wipe the blood off her face; and you yelled at me not to get her anything. I remember feeling so confused and scared.
I’m not sure how old I was but I remember us leaving and not understanding why or what was going on. We moved to grandma and grandpa’s; where shortly after my kitty ran away so I lost everything good and fun I had known up till that point. I had to switch schools, move homes, make new friends, and the worst part was not having my daddy there anymore. Of course I was ONLY 4 so I bounced back pretty quickly because well 4 year olds still have a pretty short memory and attention span.
Meeting New People
We were at aunt M’s house one day visiting because we did that every single day. We would go on walks together everywhere. My and D found a nest of baby bunnies in the church parking lot on one of our walks. We were visiting and someone knocked on the door and I was told to get under the table and not to come out until you said. I just remember it was a guy that came in but that was it. I was in 1st grade with a boy named R. We hung out on the bus and in class we were friends. One day that guy came into my class for R's bday and we learned we were brother and sister.
I didn’t actually meet him until I was 11 years old. I talked to him on the phone and remember him telling me a promising me he would come visit and I always waited but he never came. I met my ONLY older brother M when I was 11 as well I just remember how much I cried that day. I had been the older sibling my entire life and now I don’t have to be for a minute because M is my older sibling. I felt an instant attachment and was so grateful. Every time something bad or sad happens in my life he’s the 1st person I want to talk to. I don’t actually get to talk to him much though because I don’t want to bother him because he has a life and relationship of his own with their own problems to worry about. My husband wants to move away from Indiana so badly; what he doesn’t realize is that if I was able to move close to my older brother to where I could see him everyday I would move in a heartbeat.
He is the only person I know that I’m exactly alike personality wise, temper, rationalizing, literally, just everything. So he is the only person that I know 110% fully understands me and can/will actually communicate with me. After him I met a couple aunts, uncles, and cousins who I spent A LOT if time with. My cousin B was actually the person that taught me how to get shampoo out of my eyes in the shower; and I am forever grateful for that. Just about 1 year ago I actually met another cousin H on Facebook and we clicked instantly. I have a brother that is just 3 months older than my daughter. I am beyond grateful for every single one of them.
Things Kept Inside
I was about 6 years old when I thought things were beginning to look up. My mom met someone new and he was awesome. The 1st time you were left to “babysit” me I was hungry and you made me a pb&j sandwich and I learned how to change the brakes on a car. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
You made my mom happy, you were a dad for my little brother and myself, and you were the only one who was able to help me with my math homework. Things were going great; at least on the outside. I hated my little brother at the time he was annoying and just your typical little brother but I still wanted to look out for him even if nobody else knew and he needed a dad.
There were some hard times. Mom got pregnant and she had a miscarriage. We went to stay with the neighbor(our friends) while you and mom went to the hospital. I just remember everything being frantic and mom crying a lot. You guys ended up separating for a little while. I did get to stay up late and eat fudge bars with mom because she didn’t want to be alone. She also taught me how to play rummy.
The 1st time I remember it happening I fell asleep on the couch next to you watching tv. I woke up to you touching me and just laid there because I didn’t understand nor could I comprehend what was happening. You would come into my room at night to “tell me goodnight” and let me tell you it was NEVER a good night if you had been in my room. I am STILL scared of the dark today because of it. The touching and fondling continued until I was about 13 years old. You did things I didn’t even know about until years later. Since I didn’t understand what was going on I never said anything to anyone; but I ALWAYS asked my little sister to make sure nobody was doing the same thing to her. You would even do it in the car in the grocery store parking lot. I never let anyone know what you were doing.
What Now
I NEVER said a word to anyone. One day mom asked me a very specific question about what had been going on. I asked her why she asked me what she did and she said I was talking about it in my sleep. So of course not understanding and afraid I would be in trouble I told her everything. Nothing really happened or changed and I just hid inside myself, pretended everything was ok, and that everything in my life was normal. I didn’t talk about again to anyone for another 2 years.
You weren’t even the only man doing this stuff to me. I stayed at my aunt/cousins house one weekend and her boyfriend did the same things. I stayed at my dad’s on multiple occasions and a friend of his forced me to watch porn while he did the same thing. To this day I remember the scene that played on the tv and to this day I can’t watch that type of thing even just a heavy sex scene from a movie or tv show. We went to one of your family members houses and some friend that was there did it as well. So things were never as they seemed with me because I learned to hide, fake, and act like things were fine.
I was in 8th grade when I realized my grades were slipping, I kept to myself all the time, I couldn’t open up to anyone about anything, I was having problems sleeping, and I either couldn’t eat or just didn’t want to. I thought about it for so long because not only did my 1st little brother need a dad but my baby brother you and my mom just had needs his dad. “I don’t want it to be my fault he didn’t have his dad like me and my other brother didn’t have our dad’s. These thoughts continuously playing in my head. I knew I had to tell but I was also scared I would make my mom mad.
I had an absolute best friend by then, his name was JP. We were always together if we weren’t in school. He was the 1st person that I ever came out and told about it. He helped me get the courage I needed to tell someone what was going on. So I wrote a note stating exactly what was happening and left my notebook open for a teacher to see. It wasn’t long before my life became a mess and chaotic and even more stressful.
Only My Kiddos
At 13 I also met a guy named J. I was instantly infatuated. I wrote a note to ask him out and had my little sister S give it to him. Well December 2001 we became a couple. We were both pretty young so we pretty much grew up together.
In the beginning things were great. We missed each other when he had to go to a special school for the blind in Indianapolis. He has retinitis pigmentosa, we were together long enough for him to see the stars when we 1st got together to not being able to see them by the time we separated. I had my daughter 14 days after I turned 16, my second at 19 and my current youngest when I was 23.
My daughters 1st 4th of July she was only a month old so she doesn’t remember but he wasn’t there already because he was out cheating and smoking crack. I worked through it and toughed it out because “we were young” “it’s just a phase”. September 14 2007 I had my amazing itty bitty boy. I had to have an emergency c-section and became very sick about a week later. My incision got infected and I had infection through my whole body so they slit my incision back open and it had to heal that way.
I became very depressed because I couldn’t take care of my 2.5 year old daughter or my 5.5 lb. newborn baby boy, I couldn’t shower or bathe I had to take a sponge bath because of my wound. Their “father” would come in about 3am drunk and high pass out wake up the next day left and did the exact same thing. I lost ALL respect for him as my significant other and as my children’s father. I still stuck around at this point being naïve “waiting and hoping things would get better”, they never did.
February 2011 I had my current youngest. Luckily things with me health wise went a lot better this time around. On the outside things were “great” ,only because I got so good at hiding things, but things were more horrid than anyone would have ever thought. Through the entire relationship he was cheating more times than I could count. He became an alcoholic and was terrifying when he was drunk got addicted to crack, and was emotionally and mentally abusive. I had no friends, I couldn’t do things with my family, and even got in trouble for going to church one time.
October 14 2011 we were involved in a bad car accident. Our 4yr old had to be lifelined to Riley Children’s Hospital. He had a skull fracture, a brain bleed, brain bruising, and a lacerated liver. It was the scariest thing I have EVER experienced as a mother. I mean besides the time my daughter was 2 yrs old and I noticed the lymph nodes in her groin area were really swollen. Before the doctor ran the test he said “It’s 1 of 2 things” “Cancer or Cat Scratch Fever”.
As a parent you NEVER wanna hear the word CANCER and I thought Cat Scratch Fever was just a song. Well I learned it’s not just a song, it’s deadly, and the medicine only works 33% of the time. So as a mom I have DEFINITELY had my scares.
I worked 16 drunk one night and beat my daughter who was about 6 at the time. He picked her up and slammed her against the bathroom door screamed in her face like he did me all the time then whooped her so badly she couldn’t put panties on for 2 days. I left him about 2 weeks later and didn’t go back. I was not and am not about to let ANYONE hurt my babies.
My Limbo
After things ended and I left I was so lost. I had tried and tried so hard for such a long time and none of it mattered. I gave up and lost myself for a little while. I still took care of my kids for the most part but I ALWAYS did what was best for them in the moment.
I started hanging out with and having lots of guy friends. I didn’t bring them all around no but I was still sleeping with these guys. I’m not at all happy or proud of what I did by any means. I started doing drugs and getting high on pills, weed, meth, “strong” opioid use, and alcohol. I never used drugs of any kind in front of them. When I got to a point where I was using regularly I let their aunt take them to live with her and enrolled them in school because I didn’t even have a stable place of my own to live. I did however meet my current husband because of doing the drugs I was doing.
My Forever
I know that sounds really bad, but we have both been clean and sober for 4 years now, been married 2 years July 27th, and have been in our own place for 4.5 years so things are pretty amazing. Yes we’ve had our ups and downs but he completes me.
He is here/there for my kids and me. He would rather be at home than out “runnin the streets”. He tries really hard, he makes me feel loved and I don’t have to worry about who or what he is doing every time he’s not with me.
NO he’s not perfect. But that doesn’t matter because he tries. He tries to be patient, he tries to understand, he tries to give them the things he could never have a kid. He tries to set a good example; I mean he did get and STAY sober so we could be better parents and be there for my kids. He has done more for them since we’ve been together than their “father” has ever done for them. When my 9yr old tells stories and talks about his “Dad” he is always talking about my husband and that’s awesome because he knows who his biological father is and CHOOSES to refer to him as dad. I am beyond proud to call him mine. I am thankful for him even on his worst days and one day he will know how much I REALLY love him.
When I Finally Opened Up
So as you have found when I hit 13 things in my life escalated pretty quickly. Before I did anything I DID try to talk to my mom again and let her know he was still doing it. I remember she was in the kitchen working on dinner and we were having potatoes for dinner and I told her I needed to talk to her. I told her what was going on and that he was still doing the same stuff to me and she just looks at me and says “are you lying?” I felt so let down and betrayed by the person who was supposed to care and protect you the most in life NO MATTER WHAT.
One of my teachers found my notebook and took it to the school counselor. Before the next class period was over I had been called to the office. I made my way down to the office with my heart pounding, scared to death, and with a million and one different thoughts racing through my mind.
As I began to open up for the 1st time I couldn’t hold back my tears; I just completely fell apart. I hated my mom, I hated my life, and I hated myself. What did I do? Was the question that kept going through my mind. I kept thinking about if my brother was going to hate me when he grew up.
Lost Childhood
As I’m sure you’ve found out by now I didn’t have much of a childhood or at least a good one. Things DID NOT get better after I told. The cops arrested him after he admitted what he had done. My mom borrowed the money from my grandparents to bail him out. So I felt abandoned by my mom at this point as well.
She stayed with him after everything. He was made to leave and wasn’t allowed around me or at the house if I was there. I got up everyday and went to school but when I got home from school my mom would leave me alone to take care of my brothers sometimes all night so she could go be with him.
I had a friend who got alcohol poisoning when we were about 14-15 and almost died in my front yard. My mom was out at a bar with him that night so I was dealing with this all on my own because being with him is what was important to her at the time. My baby brother was so used to me being the one taking care of him he always wanted and had to be with me it was like I was his mom.
The End
I have been through many different things in my life up to this point, a lot of them being things most people never have to go through; but I’m still here. There is SOMEONE out there who understands what you have been through so your NOT ALONE. Hang in there I promise it really does get better, maybe not easier but it does get BETTER. Don’t give up your almost there.
One thing my mom has always said about me is that “ I never gave up, I always got back up and kept trying”. It’s my favorite thing she has ever said about me. I will forever cherish those words. My mom and I are very close now after a few years of being distant I am MORE than THANKFUL for her EVERYDAY.
I went through a lot yes, and a lot of pretty messed up and crappy things, “I’m not the only person this happened to so it’s not important”. But it is important because we’re survivors. I don’t look at myself as a victim because I wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t change anything because EVERYTHING that ever happened led me down the paths to where I am today and made me who I am today. And I kinda love who I am today.
© Afraid To Trust
Let’s Be Real
Let’s be honest…
Nobody is ever “happy” about therapy or counseling. When we experience trauma of any kind someone almost always recommends “talking to someone”. My honest opinion or thoughts on that may be different than most people. Yes I have been to therapy on more than one occasion. Yes this person may have went to school and got certified to help people in that way; but how can this person truly help me if they don’t personally understand what I’ve been through or experienced. So I’m finally sharing my story in hopes of helping someone, anyone who can relate. If your judgemential please don’t read my story. If you have ever been through something traumatic, felt like giving up, asked yourself “will I ever be enough” or “will I ever be good enough” then please read and know that SOMEONE does understand.
Now no one person can ever 100% fully understand how you feel even if they have been through the EXACT same situation; because every single person IS their own person with their own feelings and reactions. We may understand what each other has been through and can relate but no 2 people have the EXACT same feelings and thoughts. So never say to someone I know or understand “exactly” how you feel. Instead try saying “I can relate” or “I understand what that is like” always be supportive of each other because you never know when that ONE person that can actually relate to our situation might be put in your life and sometimes that one person may be what saves our lives.
I am a 32 year old mother of 3 on my second marriage. Not to bad compared to some but let me tell you what it took to get where I’m at today.
In The Beginning
“You missed” is what I remember saying when I was 4 years old as we played in the snow outside our trailer. I remember bedtime stories, playing Duck Hunter on the super Nintendo, watching Darkwing Duck and Bonkers, my very 1st cat that you got me even though you hated cats. The best was learning to ride my bike with no training wheels.
You were the 1st dad I knew. You were the only dad I knew at that time. I remember getting in trouble and having to stand in the corner. I remember how I never got my butt whooped unless I really deserved it; like when I played with fire one time, I got my whooped and my FAVORITE baby doll taken away. You were the best daddy a little girl could ask for.
I also remember you hitting my mom as I sit and watched feeling helpless as she asked me for a rag just to wipe the blood off her face; and you yelled at me not to get her anything. I remember feeling so confused and scared.
I’m not sure how old I was but I remember us leaving and not understanding why or what was going on. We moved to grandma and grandpa’s; where shortly after my kitty ran away so I lost everything good and fun I had known up till that point. I had to switch schools, move homes, make new friends, and the worst part was not having my daddy there anymore. Of course I was ONLY 4 so I bounced back pretty quickly because well 4 year olds still have a pretty short memory and attention span.
Meeting New People
We were at aunt M’s house one day visiting because we did that every single day. We would go on walks together everywhere. My and D found a nest of baby bunnies in the church parking lot on one of our walks. We were visiting and someone knocked on the door and I was told to get under the table and not to come out until you said. I just remember it was a guy that came in but that was it. I was in 1st grade with a boy named R. We hung out on the bus and in class we were friends. One day that guy came into my class for R's bday and we learned we were brother and sister.
I didn’t actually meet him until I was 11 years old. I talked to him on the phone and remember him telling me a promising me he would come visit and I always waited but he never came. I met my ONLY older brother M when I was 11 as well I just remember how much I cried that day. I had been the older sibling my entire life and now I don’t have to be for a minute because M is my older sibling. I felt an instant attachment and was so grateful. Every time something bad or sad happens in my life he’s the 1st person I want to talk to. I don’t actually get to talk to him much though because I don’t want to bother him because he has a life and relationship of his own with their own problems to worry about. My husband wants to move away from Indiana so badly; what he doesn’t realize is that if I was able to move close to my older brother to where I could see him everyday I would move in a heartbeat.
He is the only person I know that I’m exactly alike personality wise, temper, rationalizing, literally, just everything. So he is the only person that I know 110% fully understands me and can/will actually communicate with me. After him I met a couple aunts, uncles, and cousins who I spent A LOT if time with. My cousin B was actually the person that taught me how to get shampoo out of my eyes in the shower; and I am forever grateful for that. Just about 1 year ago I actually met another cousin H on Facebook and we clicked instantly. I have a brother that is just 3 months older than my daughter. I am beyond grateful for every single one of them.
Things Kept Inside
I was about 6 years old when I thought things were beginning to look up. My mom met someone new and he was awesome. The 1st time you were left to “babysit” me I was hungry and you made me a pb&j sandwich and I learned how to change the brakes on a car. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
You made my mom happy, you were a dad for my little brother and myself, and you were the only one who was able to help me with my math homework. Things were going great; at least on the outside. I hated my little brother at the time he was annoying and just your typical little brother but I still wanted to look out for him even if nobody else knew and he needed a dad.
There were some hard times. Mom got pregnant and she had a miscarriage. We went to stay with the neighbor(our friends) while you and mom went to the hospital. I just remember everything being frantic and mom crying a lot. You guys ended up separating for a little while. I did get to stay up late and eat fudge bars with mom because she didn’t want to be alone. She also taught me how to play rummy.
The 1st time I remember it happening I fell asleep on the couch next to you watching tv. I woke up to you touching me and just laid there because I didn’t understand nor could I comprehend what was happening. You would come into my room at night to “tell me goodnight” and let me tell you it was NEVER a good night if you had been in my room. I am STILL scared of the dark today because of it. The touching and fondling continued until I was about 13 years old. You did things I didn’t even know about until years later. Since I didn’t understand what was going on I never said anything to anyone; but I ALWAYS asked my little sister to make sure nobody was doing the same thing to her. You would even do it in the car in the grocery store parking lot. I never let anyone know what you were doing.
What Now
I NEVER said a word to anyone. One day mom asked me a very specific question about what had been going on. I asked her why she asked me what she did and she said I was talking about it in my sleep. So of course not understanding and afraid I would be in trouble I told her everything. Nothing really happened or changed and I just hid inside myself, pretended everything was ok, and that everything in my life was normal. I didn’t talk about again to anyone for another 2 years.
You weren’t even the only man doing this stuff to me. I stayed at my aunt/cousins house one weekend and her boyfriend did the same things. I stayed at my dad’s on multiple occasions and a friend of his forced me to watch porn while he did the same thing. To this day I remember the scene that played on the tv and to this day I can’t watch that type of thing even just a heavy sex scene from a movie or tv show. We went to one of your family members houses and some friend that was there did it as well. So things were never as they seemed with me because I learned to hide, fake, and act like things were fine.
I was in 8th grade when I realized my grades were slipping, I kept to myself all the time, I couldn’t open up to anyone about anything, I was having problems sleeping, and I either couldn’t eat or just didn’t want to. I thought about it for so long because not only did my 1st little brother need a dad but my baby brother you and my mom just had needs his dad. “I don’t want it to be my fault he didn’t have his dad like me and my other brother didn’t have our dad’s. These thoughts continuously playing in my head. I knew I had to tell but I was also scared I would make my mom mad.
I had an absolute best friend by then, his name was JP. We were always together if we weren’t in school. He was the 1st person that I ever came out and told about it. He helped me get the courage I needed to tell someone what was going on. So I wrote a note stating exactly what was happening and left my notebook open for a teacher to see. It wasn’t long before my life became a mess and chaotic and even more stressful.
Only My Kiddos
At 13 I also met a guy named J. I was instantly infatuated. I wrote a note to ask him out and had my little sister S give it to him. Well December 2001 we became a couple. We were both pretty young so we pretty much grew up together.
In the beginning things were great. We missed each other when he had to go to a special school for the blind in Indianapolis. He has retinitis pigmentosa, we were together long enough for him to see the stars when we 1st got together to not being able to see them by the time we separated. I had my daughter 14 days after I turned 16, my second at 19 and my current youngest when I was 23.
My daughters 1st 4th of July she was only a month old so she doesn’t remember but he wasn’t there already because he was out cheating and smoking crack. I worked through it and toughed it out because “we were young” “it’s just a phase”. September 14 2007 I had my amazing itty bitty boy. I had to have an emergency c-section and became very sick about a week later. My incision got infected and I had infection through my whole body so they slit my incision back open and it had to heal that way.
I became very depressed because I couldn’t take care of my 2.5 year old daughter or my 5.5 lb. newborn baby boy, I couldn’t shower or bathe I had to take a sponge bath because of my wound. Their “father” would come in about 3am drunk and high pass out wake up the next day left and did the exact same thing. I lost ALL respect for him as my significant other and as my children’s father. I still stuck around at this point being naïve “waiting and hoping things would get better”, they never did.
February 2011 I had my current youngest. Luckily things with me health wise went a lot better this time around. On the outside things were “great” ,only because I got so good at hiding things, but things were more horrid than anyone would have ever thought. Through the entire relationship he was cheating more times than I could count. He became an alcoholic and was terrifying when he was drunk got addicted to crack, and was emotionally and mentally abusive. I had no friends, I couldn’t do things with my family, and even got in trouble for going to church one time.
October 14 2011 we were involved in a bad car accident. Our 4yr old had to be lifelined to Riley Children’s Hospital. He had a skull fracture, a brain bleed, brain bruising, and a lacerated liver. It was the scariest thing I have EVER experienced as a mother. I mean besides the time my daughter was 2 yrs old and I noticed the lymph nodes in her groin area were really swollen. Before the doctor ran the test he said “It’s 1 of 2 things” “Cancer or Cat Scratch Fever”.
As a parent you NEVER wanna hear the word CANCER and I thought Cat Scratch Fever was just a song. Well I learned it’s not just a song, it’s deadly, and the medicine only works 33% of the time. So as a mom I have DEFINITELY had my scares.
I worked 16 drunk one night and beat my daughter who was about 6 at the time. He picked her up and slammed her against the bathroom door screamed in her face like he did me all the time then whooped her so badly she couldn’t put panties on for 2 days. I left him about 2 weeks later and didn’t go back. I was not and am not about to let ANYONE hurt my babies.
My Limbo
After things ended and I left I was so lost. I had tried and tried so hard for such a long time and none of it mattered. I gave up and lost myself for a little while. I still took care of my kids for the most part but I ALWAYS did what was best for them in the moment.
I started hanging out with and having lots of guy friends. I didn’t bring them all around no but I was still sleeping with these guys. I’m not at all happy or proud of what I did by any means. I started doing drugs and getting high on pills, weed, meth, “strong” opioid use, and alcohol. I never used drugs of any kind in front of them. When I got to a point where I was using regularly I let their aunt take them to live with her and enrolled them in school because I didn’t even have a stable place of my own to live. I did however meet my current husband because of doing the drugs I was doing.
My Forever
I know that sounds really bad, but we have both been clean and sober for 4 years now, been married 2 years July 27th, and have been in our own place for 4.5 years so things are pretty amazing. Yes we’ve had our ups and downs but he completes me.
He is here/there for my kids and me. He would rather be at home than out “runnin the streets”. He tries really hard, he makes me feel loved and I don’t have to worry about who or what he is doing every time he’s not with me.
NO he’s not perfect. But that doesn’t matter because he tries. He tries to be patient, he tries to understand, he tries to give them the things he could never have a kid. He tries to set a good example; I mean he did get and STAY sober so we could be better parents and be there for my kids. He has done more for them since we’ve been together than their “father” has ever done for them. When my 9yr old tells stories and talks about his “Dad” he is always talking about my husband and that’s awesome because he knows who his biological father is and CHOOSES to refer to him as dad. I am beyond proud to call him mine. I am thankful for him even on his worst days and one day he will know how much I REALLY love him.
When I Finally Opened Up
So as you have found when I hit 13 things in my life escalated pretty quickly. Before I did anything I DID try to talk to my mom again and let her know he was still doing it. I remember she was in the kitchen working on dinner and we were having potatoes for dinner and I told her I needed to talk to her. I told her what was going on and that he was still doing the same stuff to me and she just looks at me and says “are you lying?” I felt so let down and betrayed by the person who was supposed to care and protect you the most in life NO MATTER WHAT.
One of my teachers found my notebook and took it to the school counselor. Before the next class period was over I had been called to the office. I made my way down to the office with my heart pounding, scared to death, and with a million and one different thoughts racing through my mind.
As I began to open up for the 1st time I couldn’t hold back my tears; I just completely fell apart. I hated my mom, I hated my life, and I hated myself. What did I do? Was the question that kept going through my mind. I kept thinking about if my brother was going to hate me when he grew up.
Lost Childhood
As I’m sure you’ve found out by now I didn’t have much of a childhood or at least a good one. Things DID NOT get better after I told. The cops arrested him after he admitted what he had done. My mom borrowed the money from my grandparents to bail him out. So I felt abandoned by my mom at this point as well.
She stayed with him after everything. He was made to leave and wasn’t allowed around me or at the house if I was there. I got up everyday and went to school but when I got home from school my mom would leave me alone to take care of my brothers sometimes all night so she could go be with him.
I had a friend who got alcohol poisoning when we were about 14-15 and almost died in my front yard. My mom was out at a bar with him that night so I was dealing with this all on my own because being with him is what was important to her at the time. My baby brother was so used to me being the one taking care of him he always wanted and had to be with me it was like I was his mom.
The End
I have been through many different things in my life up to this point, a lot of them being things most people never have to go through; but I’m still here. There is SOMEONE out there who understands what you have been through so your NOT ALONE. Hang in there I promise it really does get better, maybe not easier but it does get BETTER. Don’t give up your almost there.
One thing my mom has always said about me is that “ I never gave up, I always got back up and kept trying”. It’s my favorite thing she has ever said about me. I will forever cherish those words. My mom and I are very close now after a few years of being distant I am MORE than THANKFUL for her EVERYDAY.
I went through a lot yes, and a lot of pretty messed up and crappy things, “I’m not the only person this happened to so it’s not important”. But it is important because we’re survivors. I don’t look at myself as a victim because I wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t change anything because EVERYTHING that ever happened led me down the paths to where I am today and made me who I am today. And I kinda love who I am today.
© Afraid To Trust
