Have you ever wondered how it feels like when you can't experience anything around you, see the surroundings, hear the music, smell the flower or taste the delicious food? NO, you haven't....neither have I. It's not just me, or you...no body realizes the importance of what they have until they lose it. I'm Katie, and when I was 15, my way of viewing the world completely changed when I met her. She taught me to be the change in the world I like to see.
It was a bright frosty morning. The snow spread on the streets looked like crushed diamonds in the bright sunshine. My alarm beeped next to me, waking me up drowsy. I hopped out of bed without any intention for the day. Every day of my life was always the same; nothing new, nothing special, no motive to start my day. It's like, you have been sent to this world to follow this routine until you can and then die. I bent over to pick up my phone and completely got lost in my dad's photo kept beside it. Everything was great when my dad was here with me. He never treated me like a baby, unlike mom, who constantly worries, sometimes without reason. When I got diagnosed with cancer, I was miserable. And after a few days of my report, my dad passed away in a car accident. It's been five months since then. My cancer is getting better, but I feel like I'm getting sicker day by day because of the people around me who think I can die any second. When we came back home from the hospital on the day I was diagnosed, dad sat with me the whole day so that I didn't get sad. He distracted me from cancer. Dad was my best friend. Life was already unfair when I got cancer, but when he left, I felt empty. The last thing dad said before leaving me with my cancer alone forever was, "Listen, sweetie, I will be back soon with amazing art supplies for you, okay! I want you to not worry and be your fabulous self...remember, every tree sheds its leaf in despair, but a new seed always grows with a new hope."
I didn't understand what he meant back then, but now I do. My leaves shed when I got diagnosed, but if I find positive and begin something new, I produce a new seed...I will have a new hope. But dad shouldn't have left me; all my new hopes were gone along with him. I had an interest in drawing. And dad especially went to buy great art supplies for me from an elegant shop that day. I was the reason he died. I was making a portrait painting for an art competition; that's when the news came to me as I saw mom collapsing, saying, 'your father is gone.' These words haunt me every day. My dad was a strong man, someone that I could never reach to be like. When I was weak, he stayed strong for me, and that's all I ever wanted from my dad. I shouldn't have asked for those stupid art supplies from him. He gave me things that were more than enough. My mom says that it wasn't my fault, but guilt will always be there for my dad no matter how hard she tries to convince me.
My dad taught me to live on for the ones who I've lost. It's like he knew he would leave me, and that's why he was preparing me from the start. It's something that dad taught me, so I would never forget, but the more I remember it, the more it makes me wanna go to him. It's a memory that I want to keep. I know it's sad, but it reminds me that once he was here with me.
I finally got out of my thoughts, and as always, my mom called out for me downstairs. I brought the photo near my heart and wiped slight tears. I didn't want to have another worried face of mom again. I closed the curtains as it was too bright outside and got ready for school.
"Hey honey, how are you feeling? Are you cold? Tell me if you need anything." My mom came back with her millions of questions.
"Thanks, mom, I'm fine. Would you please close the curtains? I hate the sunlight." I said, sitting down at the table for breakfast.
Mom made a face then lectured me that sunlight is crucial for me and would help heal my cancer. I'm bored with my life. My mom constantly questions me about my health. Of course, she thinks I can die any minute. She always forces me to go out and have fun with friends. She doesn't know that I'm the main target of being bullied at school. I don't know when my time will be over in this world, and I will be able to go to dad. The doctor clearly said that I was getting better, but my mom's worried looks, neighbor's doubts, relative's questions, and kids' bullying tires me and makes me sicker and sicker. I want to be over with cancer, but more than that, I want others to treat me normally instead of treating me like I'm about to die. Cancer is not a word for death; it's a word for life that pushes one to live on. Being treated as I can die makes my desire to live on even less. But I can't blame mom for that either. She is dealing with the same pain as I am. She's a single mother, missing my dad every day and crying in the corners, working hard at home and work, and taking care of her child with cancer. It's not easy for her either. I sometimes think of myself as a burden to mom, but she never stops worrying about me.
I finished my breakfast and left for school. As I stepped out, I shielded my forehead with my hands as I couldn't handle the bright light. I prefer darkness. While riding on my bike, I happened to bump into my neighbor, Mrs. Brown. She's a sneaky old lady, always minding in other people's businesses. She was carrying a trash bag, probably out to throw it.
She started with the same question as mom. Mom told her I had cancer but didn't gossip about me getting better.
"I'm very well, Mrs. brown, now please excuse me. I'm getting late for school." I said, trying not to sound rude and irritated.
"Listen, dear, everything happens for a reason; the correct way you learn from it is up to you." Mrs. Brown said as I hurried forward, so she didn't stall me for another talk. What is she trying to say from that? Does she mean that my cancer happened because of a reason?? I didn't do anything wrong to deserve cancer. Mrs. Brown is just an annoying old lady who doesn't understand anything.
I saw Mrs. Brown looking at the recycle bin, paper and dry waste very carefully and gently putting the trash through. I don't understand why she takes care of such stuff so profoundly when she can throw it anywhere; who would like to talk to an old lady anyway and argue about the trash in the wrong bin. It is such a waste of time; kids usually throw stuff on the street, so what difference will it make if an old lady does it.
I wanted to skip school. I was craving to cuddle up in my blanket near the fireplace and watch TV the whole day. But staying at home means having a headache with my mom being there. She wouldn't ever stop with her questions. I get that she cares about me, but she never treats me as I'm getting better. My mom insisted on exercising and catching some sunlight. I don't understand why people give all these useless things a lot of thought. Sunlight crushes my eyes, exercising makes me tired, and putting trash in the correct bin wastes a lot of time. Or maybe because nothing makes sense to me after my dad's death and my cancer. These two things are so miserable and painful that other little things budge in, irritate me more, and seem useless.
I passed two turns on the street and took a left. I came across the park where kids usually play every morning during winters. I saw a little girl sitting in the shadows under a tree. Ah, good! I was starting to think that I was the only person who preferred darkness. I did want to skip school today, and mom wanted me to get sunlight and some exercise. So I had a good reason to talk to the girl.
"Hey, not enjoying the weather, huh? I hate bright bursts of sunshine; it hurts my eyes," I said, shielding my forehead from the light, and glanced down at her. The girl looked up at me and smiled. She seemed to be around 10-11 years old. "Haha, no, that's not it; I like this weather." She replied instantly. "I'm Emma," she forwarded her hand for a shake. She was being so formal. "So then why not play with other kids instead of sitting here alone, does someone bullies you?" I asked out of curiosity, crouching down to sit. She stared at the ground, not answering my question.
She let out a huge sigh. It seemed as I was annoying her. "Why do you hate the weather? I don't think anything is wrong with this weather that can make a person hate it. Its snow out, with bright sunlight striking the ground making the snow shines like crystals. It's beautiful." Emma said. Emma seemed to be a very mature girl at her age. I was thinking of a better reply as I assumed I was annoying her. However, I do hate the weather only because it hurts my eyes. What's wrong with this weather anyway!?
"Well, I'm curious about you sitting here alone while other kids play. I prefer darkness, and you sitting here appeared to me that you prefer it too. Staying at home, seeing mom's boring worried faces all the time makes me irritated. I guess that's why I don't like anything around me." I can't believe I was talking to a girl five years younger than me about the weather.
"So overall, your mom is the reason you hate it?"Emma asked.
This girl didn't have the brain of a 10-year-old for sure; the way she was talking so maturely, I just loved the conversation with her. I snorted and looked down; I finally decided to tell her about my cancer, and I blurted out about my dad unplanned.
"Ohh, so it's because of cancer or your dad?....well, you look perfect to me. And even if you aren't, I don't see that as a good reason for you to hate this weather. And definitely not your dad to be the reason" Can't a person, not like the weather!? There doesn't always have to be a reason for everything, as Mrs. Brown said. It was surprising to see Emma talking like that. She had a reply to everything I said. But it was nice to hear someone finally say I looked normal and not sick. "So why don't you tell me a good reason for you to be sitting here instead of playing with those kids!" I shot back.
She looked away from me and then stared at the ground for a while. I think I shouldn't have asked her that, but all the kids playing there and Emma sitting under a tree doesn't make any sense for a kid unless you don't like the weather or you are being bullied.
She finally spoke up, "haha, I can't believe you. You are such a lucky person. Still, you hate the beautiful things around you. How you are born in this world is all up to luck. You were lucky to be born perfect, and I wasn't." she completed the sentence and stared at the ground. I got mad, "What makes you say I'm 'lucky'! I have zero friends, and the only best friend I had left me forever. I was diagnosed with cancer and got a new nickname, 'the sick girl.' My best friend—my dad left me forever, all I'm left with is my stupid cancer and people's concerned looks! You probably have both your parents, that's why nothing around you is irritating. But it sucks not to have a dad in my life. To not have a person who loved me the most. A lot is going on with me. You don't have any idea how I'm surviving it. You call this lucky? People say, 'what's meant to happen will happen.' I guess this was what meant to happen in my life." I tried calming myself—chill out; she's just a little girl.
Emma stared at me for a long while. She looked away and finally spoke up, staring at the kids playing.
"Do you think I don't wanna go out and play? I have always been kept in the shadows cause I'm not perfect like you are. I don't have any friends either cause I'm not normal. If I step out, I will burn. That's why I'm homeschooled. I have had a problem since birth. I can't be out in the sun; I'm not allowed to feel the sunlight by God himself. If I even put a finger out, my body will start burning. My problem is something that has been since birth and will stay forever. I envy you. And Both my parents died when I was born. I was put up in foster care. I can never go out in the sun, play with kids or enjoy. When you were my age, I'm sure you would have played in the sun with kids, made snowmen, etc. The orphanage people were so ashamed of me that they put a false bio about me. That's how I got adopted. I have been adopted several times, and as soon as my foster parents find out about my problem, they throw me out. My current foster parents are kind enough to school me and take care of me, but they also want to abandon me. I've never experienced all the fun as you have. I'm sorry, but your problem with your dad and cancer will never be equal to mine. So yes, for me, you are very fortunate.. you get concerned faces...I get faces of disgust and bad looks, people murmuring, 'don't go near her, she will burn you' and so much like that. Kids make fun of me whenever I come to the park. But I never stop coming here because I like to watch the sunlight, snow, flowers, and everything. I'm grateful to be able to see. But You, who is perfect, can do anything. You are lucky. I still like my life no matter how unfair it is because I can see the world, I can smell things, I can taste, and all of this is beautiful for me." She spoke nonstop while kept wiping the tiny drops of tears dripping down her cheeks.
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say after that. I felt so bad. I wanted to cry. Here I am, blaming everything as a nuisance around me while knowing that some people have bigger problems than mine. When Emma did ask for a reason, I really couldn't give any. How can such a little girl be so thoughtful, so mature, so...perfect? I smiled at her and leaned closer for a big hug. I said she was great and got up to leave, hiding my tears. She got me. All this time, I thought that my life was unfair. I really should have listened to dad's words and create new hope. Emma is such a strong girl; her foster parents don't support her because of her problem. People give her disgusted looks, but she doesn't care and still finds positive in things.
Now, if I give it a deep thought, what was the problem with the weather anyway? What was the problem with getting some exercise? What was the problem with throwing the trash in the correct bin? If you use a little time of your day, I'm sure it wouldn't affect anything. It won't be a waste of time if I throw trash in the correct bin. It won't be as bad if sunlight hurts my eyes as I cannot feel it ever again.
My cancer didn't seem to be a good reason for hating this weather to Emma because I would get well, and things will be normal again, but it would never be for her. We all hate being jealous of something that others have, and we don't. Half of the world can see, hear, taste, feel, etc., and those who can't do all these things, sit back and watch others enjoy it. I feel so bad for questioning Emma so much and comparing her with me. I was too quick to judge her that she has both parents and has a perfect life. I thought that my dad was the only strongest person in this world. But she might be the only person I know who has reached to be like my dad, strong. I can do anything and still complains about it. I'm not too fond of the world because I don't know anything here to enjoy. But every little thing around me is worth it.
Like a bit of toy brings back the sweet memories of your childhood, like a flower blooming in your garden suddenly brings a smile on your face, like how ants work so hard, harder than humans. It is life, so it won't be easy. Ups and downs, getting sick, being sad, being angry are all part of it. But some lives are just not full of all the joy that we have. We never even realize the beauty in the rising sun, beauty in each flower around us. We don't care cause we can see it, feel it, etc. When you have something from birth, you take those things for granted, but those who don't have can only understand the pain of not being able to do what others can naturally. So that's not a good reason to hate it, to end it.
Many lives are unfair for people, and they are still living it. So we can't compare that. WE can see. We can hear the music; we can feel the sunlight. Why would I ever want to end my life if I have so many good things around me to enjoy? Because my cancer is not a reason to hate any of it, I can change how I live. I can make every day enjoyable. Cause I won't be stuck with it forever, unlike Emma, who would never be able to feel the sunlight. I'm lucky, and so are you. I am born perfect, and so are you. My problems are just a part of my life, they will go away with time, but defects like Emma's would never. If I change the way I live, I will be able to change the view of my world.
I reached home, wiping my tears off, my face pale. I saw my mom standing near the doorway with a welcome home smile but concerned eyes. I couldn't get annoyed that day. "I heard you skipped school today. Is everything okay?" mom asked, walking towards me. I burst into tears and threw myself into her arms as I kept on apologizing to her. I bet mom got her lesson too to treat me normally. Mom exclaimed that it wasn't my fault that I was dealing with so much and was getting irritated. But I shouldn't have taken things for granted.
From that day on, the frosty bright sunshine became my favorite. I worked hard and opened my own company where we create devices, apps, and other things to help people see the world in a whole new way. We help them do what they couldn't ever do. We change the view of people's seeing the world. And I named my company: 'EMWorld-A whole new world' as in Emma, the girl who changed my view of seeing the world. I'm more than grateful for what I have now. I was selfish at that time. My cancer happened for a reason: to notice what's enjoyable in life and be grateful for what I have. Mrs. Brown wasn't wrong after all. There are two important days of your life. One is the day when you are born and the other when you find out the reason for your existence.
I also started teaching painting and drawing to little kids. I was a little late, but I finally grew up my new seed, a seed of a new hope. I hope my dad must be proud of me too, and you're never too late to realize what you want in life. It's your life. You draw it, so don't let anything or anyone else paint it. Emma and I are still in touch, and she has become a motivational speaker. I am happy that mom forced me back then to go out in the sun. Cause if I had been at home, cuddled up in the blanket near the fireplace and watching TV, I would have never met Emma, which means I would have never reached this far. A single little day changed everything in my life. So everything around us, whether small or big, is worth it; it's essential.
Be grateful for what you have, and find a good practical reason for everything that happened because every little thing is hiding a reason behind it. It's up to you to learn the correct way from it. Don't let little things shed your leaves, and even if it bothered you a lot, then grow a new seed with beautiful hope. The way you are born in this world is all by luck, so don't take it for granted. It's neither you nor your parent's fault for how you were born. If you have a seed of hope, nothing can stop you, not your appearance, not a person, not cancer, and not even a defect in your life. You can change the way you live to see a perfect world through your eyes. You have been sent in this world to get better each day, to enjoy what you have, to achieve what you want, to find a reason. Not to follow a stupid routine and then die. We've all heard of the phrase,' yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why we call it a present.' Emma said that she isn't allowed to feel the sunlight by God. But God himself has given us the present, a gift to focus on today, not tomorrow. Learn from history, make yourself better today, and solve the mystery of perfection tomorrow.
If you are born imperfect, then grow a new seed of hope that leads you to perfection. #LifeChangingContest
© CaptainGirl