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My Letter To Dad...
The best of times I had with my little (half) sister, and my Mom were during the two years my adopted stepdad was overseas on an aircraft carrier during the 70's.
I got to play, spend time in the kitchen, talk to my mother and sister, and stay up late.
My mother now lives in a bubble of her own making, and I don't know if she even realizes how much she lies to herself and to those around her. Maybe it's on purpose so she doesn't have to admit that she didn't protect me from a monster. She even joined forces with him against me. I will probably never know, as even though I've made huge strides in myself over the years in the status of my Mental, Emotional and Physical Health she and others including my 2 (now adult) children refuse to talk with me about anything - if they even do that.
My son has made the effort to, and I have to commend him for that. I miss the connection we once had and still exists, but he keeps at arms length.
My mother gave birth to my half sister during those 2 years, which was kind of weird as I was left to fend for myself emotionally and physically for the most part but that wasn't anything new.
My mother came up with the idea one day of my writing a letter to my dad while he was away. I didn't want to. He had already broken every barrier I could think of, being horrifically abusive to me in stealth since I had witnessed a crime he committed while in uniform and with another Navy Petty Officer.
I had nothing I wanted to say honestly, except that I wish he would never return. But, instead after much coercion and pleading from my mother, I penned something very flat and without any true feelings.
The letter was like a homework assignment from school to me. "Dear Dad, How are you? I am fine. What do you do while you are on the ship?"
That was about all I could muster.
It wasn't too long before a response was received. I was believing my mother at the time, that my efforts to communicate would at least result in the same type of response but boy was I sorely mistaken.
Not one word was written in response. It was my own letter, returned to me in full with red correction marks on every possible linguistic outcome. I was again, like so many times over the years he was part of my 'family' - heartbroken. I really hated him.
He stole my things, killed my pets, lied over and over again not just to me, but to everyone around me. He even convinced my mother to be against me.
To this day even my own children are manipulated and convinced by him, to believe whatever he wants to concoct and I have been forced to realize that most of the time in this life? People do not want to know the truth. They would rather believe in lies, and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to open their eyes.
I have increasingly chosen to live alone. However lonely I have been at times, I now understand things much better. I take good care of myself as I have had to learn from professionals I've worked with for over a decade, that sleep, food, safety, boundaries, and a sense of one's worth can be cultivated and learned much later in life.
I've learned that I have PTSD, ADHD, Night Terrors, BPDD, a TBI, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and a whole bunch of health conditions that are related.
I was a victim of someone who tried to beat me to death many, many years ago.
I'm living the best life I can now. But the struggles I face daily sometimes, can be overwhelming and exhausting.
I know now, that I didn't deserve what he did to me and to others around me and continues to do to this day.
I'm truly alone but I have a best friend now for over a decade. He is my Lifeline... It is much better to be alone than to be abused, manipulated, and victimized by those who are supposed to be what a family could be if there were such a thing in my life as Unconditional Love. I now Love myself unconditionally, and it's keeping me alive.
© All Rights Reserved
I got to play, spend time in the kitchen, talk to my mother and sister, and stay up late.
My mother now lives in a bubble of her own making, and I don't know if she even realizes how much she lies to herself and to those around her. Maybe it's on purpose so she doesn't have to admit that she didn't protect me from a monster. She even joined forces with him against me. I will probably never know, as even though I've made huge strides in myself over the years in the status of my Mental, Emotional and Physical Health she and others including my 2 (now adult) children refuse to talk with me about anything - if they even do that.
My son has made the effort to, and I have to commend him for that. I miss the connection we once had and still exists, but he keeps at arms length.
My mother gave birth to my half sister during those 2 years, which was kind of weird as I was left to fend for myself emotionally and physically for the most part but that wasn't anything new.
My mother came up with the idea one day of my writing a letter to my dad while he was away. I didn't want to. He had already broken every barrier I could think of, being horrifically abusive to me in stealth since I had witnessed a crime he committed while in uniform and with another Navy Petty Officer.
I had nothing I wanted to say honestly, except that I wish he would never return. But, instead after much coercion and pleading from my mother, I penned something very flat and without any true feelings.
The letter was like a homework assignment from school to me. "Dear Dad, How are you? I am fine. What do you do while you are on the ship?"
That was about all I could muster.
It wasn't too long before a response was received. I was believing my mother at the time, that my efforts to communicate would at least result in the same type of response but boy was I sorely mistaken.
Not one word was written in response. It was my own letter, returned to me in full with red correction marks on every possible linguistic outcome. I was again, like so many times over the years he was part of my 'family' - heartbroken. I really hated him.
He stole my things, killed my pets, lied over and over again not just to me, but to everyone around me. He even convinced my mother to be against me.
To this day even my own children are manipulated and convinced by him, to believe whatever he wants to concoct and I have been forced to realize that most of the time in this life? People do not want to know the truth. They would rather believe in lies, and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to open their eyes.
I have increasingly chosen to live alone. However lonely I have been at times, I now understand things much better. I take good care of myself as I have had to learn from professionals I've worked with for over a decade, that sleep, food, safety, boundaries, and a sense of one's worth can be cultivated and learned much later in life.
I've learned that I have PTSD, ADHD, Night Terrors, BPDD, a TBI, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and a whole bunch of health conditions that are related.
I was a victim of someone who tried to beat me to death many, many years ago.
I'm living the best life I can now. But the struggles I face daily sometimes, can be overwhelming and exhausting.
I know now, that I didn't deserve what he did to me and to others around me and continues to do to this day.
I'm truly alone but I have a best friend now for over a decade. He is my Lifeline... It is much better to be alone than to be abused, manipulated, and victimized by those who are supposed to be what a family could be if there were such a thing in my life as Unconditional Love. I now Love myself unconditionally, and it's keeping me alive.
© All Rights Reserved
