Life is unpredictable. Things get messed up everytime you build yourself much stronger than the last time, but still What makes you go through is the point of life. What made me go through my struggles. I didn't know anything about it till this year's February, Things went on smoothly until I started experiencing something inside me. One morning when I was doing a dressing for a patient I noticed that I wasn't able to bend my toes, I looked down and found that they were swollen badly. I didn't bother much at that time. Then it was during my OT times, when I wasn't able to stand for a while and suddenly I dropped my pen out of hand, something was getting serious there. My fingers were swollen, My Ankle were swollen, I had an immense pain that I started weeping for the first time ever. I hoped nothing was wrong but as days progress my pain worsens. I went to consultation, they had so many differential diagnosis of SLE, Kidney failure, Cardiac failure which threatened me the most. I had to go through multiple investigations, I couldn't even remember how many times my veins were pricked, it was many. When all of my friends were hyping that nothing will be wrong, deep down I felt something bad - My intuition was killing me. Three days later my results came and was in complete shock knowing that I have Post Streptococcal Reactive Arthritis, My ASO Titre was about 800 which is significant and most importantly My Chloride level was low, only 88 which is a important indicator for heart failure. I was traumatized mentally after hearing this. Most difficult part is that - I was going through the worst people ever. It was My Surgery Posting where my senior doctors were treating the interns like a slaves and mocking us always. They actually didn't bother to even take concern to let me for my routine checkups. When I was in utmost pain, they used to make me run for labs, wards. I learnt that I should never treat anyone the way they treated me and my co-interns. I used to weep hiding inside my Dressing OPD room, where my friends come running to hug me.

My bones started betraying me, they never listen to my words anymore. I was asked to take an urgent ECHO and ECG, but to my bad luck The Cardiologist in my hospital was unavailable for a week. I had to go to nearby Nagapattinam for the test to be done. I could remember that I actually begged my senior to just let me leave for the test. My parents have never been supportive to me at any cost. I spent all my stipend and savings in the investigations and didn't have a single penny for my ECHO, I knew it's costly but my mom nor dad were willing to help me out. I sat crying down, multiple thoughts inside my brain - Should I actually live anymore? It's the time when My Sister called, "Machan has put money in your account, go to cardiologist, don't bother about mom and dad - they never actually care anything for us" I once again drenched into the thought, Am I really deserving to get a sister like her?! The minutes lying down in the table anxious gave me the worth, Cardiologist said "There's no cardiac manifestations now, but you've be careful lifelong - Untill that live your life with pride" I got chills hearing these words. I'm a born warrior, I should fight more was the only thing that was going through my mind while traveling back alone in the bus back. Next day I was in observation the whole night as I started Penicillin and Aspirin therapy. After that I never listen to my seniors anymore, If I had pain, I drop out of that room even if they're gonna punish me. Many have body shamed me for putting extra pounds, the real truth is that It's all the swelling of my body and not fat. I started ignoring those words.
Every mornings are the worse ones. It takes atleast one hour for the stiffness of my joints to release, but before that I've to run at 7 am for work, I wear a crepe bandage in my left leg and an Ankle Binder for my right leg all the day to give some compression, to hide my bandage I wore loose pants everyday, and hold onto any compression objects to release my tension in my fingers.I won't sleep at nights, the moment I lye down my legs start paining more and I stay all night walking across the rooms. If I look back now, I see so much of me struggling with me. There was a moment I realised,Everything has changed was My Farewell Party when I wasn't even able to dance for more than an hour. I can remember I went to the bathroom and cried.

Sometimes I take any hard object and beat my knees to just stop giving me pain. If someone comes and talk to me, All the thing that goes inside my mind is that "Can you just press my hands, I'm in pain, Please" I cried at nights and smiled in the mornings to hide my pain till I started handling it now. Due to heavy antibiotics intake I also developed Gastritis now.


It's been five months now, Every Nights when I sleep, I wish for a normal painless body for the next day. I hope I'll battle more.

Mornings as soon as I get up from my bed, walking in pain - My Cute Lil Niece get hyped up seeing me and rushes towards me, pulling my dress and climbing upon me. I knew I couldn't carry her, but still I bite my teeth hard and carry her so that she could give her chithi - The Morning Kisses to let me know that I can get through this.

I just wanna thank everyone who stood beside this journey either physically near me or virtually sending me care, love.

- Nivethitha Tharumalingam
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