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musings on the dark
It lurks, always has. It always stays right past my vision so I'll believe I'm safe. But I do not. I know better. I know that the moment I let my guard down it will strike. It will take me when I'm weak and drag me to it's home. So I don't let my guard down, ever.
I'm still afraid, there's no question about it. I always have been and I always will be. At points I'm so scared I no longer feel able to eat or drink. I feel so terrified that I force myself to focus on nothing but my surroundings and my path. But still I put on an indifferent face, the armor hiding my terror, and trudge on. It knows I am afraid, as do I. There is nothing I can do about that.
It's realm is strange. It seems to reside in my fear, which is vast, but it varies from day to day. At times I can go as late as 9 or 10 before feeling truly afraid. Other days it's as early as 4. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to be able to walk past windows, or go down into the basement, or out onto the porch without feeling like it's my final move. Corners are the worst about this. They feel so close to it that I cannot stand them.
I've begun sleeping with a baseball bat within arms reach. It's propped up in a way that it does not bother my day to day, but could be useful against an intruder. I cannot pretend to know what good it would do against it, since I don't know what it's looks like. I only know that it lurks.
I'm still afraid, there's no question about it. I always have been and I always will be. At points I'm so scared I no longer feel able to eat or drink. I feel so terrified that I force myself to focus on nothing but my surroundings and my path. But still I put on an indifferent face, the armor hiding my terror, and trudge on. It knows I am afraid, as do I. There is nothing I can do about that.
It's realm is strange. It seems to reside in my fear, which is vast, but it varies from day to day. At times I can go as late as 9 or 10 before feeling truly afraid. Other days it's as early as 4. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to be able to walk past windows, or go down into the basement, or out onto the porch without feeling like it's my final move. Corners are the worst about this. They feel so close to it that I cannot stand them.
I've begun sleeping with a baseball bat within arms reach. It's propped up in a way that it does not bother my day to day, but could be useful against an intruder. I cannot pretend to know what good it would do against it, since I don't know what it's looks like. I only know that it lurks.
