Hell is about repetition. Homelessness is Hell. What if everyday was the worse day of your life? What if everyday people let you know in not so uncertain terms you don’t deserve to exist? What if anytime you tried to get help you were despised for daring to ask? What if you had to work everyday from dusk to dawn to just barely get enough to eat? What if you never got a chance to rest? Relax? Sleep enough or at all. What if you got punished for the rest of your life for making a mistake? What if life became nothing more than survival? What if you got punished everyday for doing everything you were supposed to do yet not making it anyway? What if you lost everything you’d ever worked for? What if life pulls your rug? What if you got priced out? Kicked out? Evicted? What if you were running for your life? What if life was so bad that the only thing you can ever expect to look forward to was the next fix? What if the only joy in your day was having enough to drink to forget? What if you couldn’t use the bathroom when you needed to? Take a shower? Brush your teeth? Wash your hands? Where would you sleep? Dress? Keep your stuff? Keep your meds? Keep your food? Cook your food? Keep it cold? What if you were never safe? Never warm enough? Never dry enough? Never cool enough? Never clean enough? Always hungry? Always thirty? Always tired? Always broke? Always angry? Always doubting yourself? Always nervous? Always worried? Always stressed? Always sick? What if you had anxiety? Cancer? An illness? A disorder? A condition? What if you couldn’t lay down? What if you couldn’t sit and rest? What if you couldn’t stand around and have a smoke? What if cops harassed you? Beat you? Murdered you? What if college students threw things at you? Screamed at you? Woke you up? Stole your stuff? What if people were afraid of you? What if people shoot at you? What if people let you die? Let you suffer? Let you give up? Let you lose your mind? Let you struggle? Let you freeze to death? Let you die of heat stroke? What if people kicked you? Punched you? Hated you? Judged you? Loathed you? Killed you? What if regardless of the actual reason people said this was all your fault? Said you deserve this? Said you brought it on yourself? What people think you’re violent? A threat? Dangerous? What if you were told God had abandoned you? What if you were abandoned by your family? Friends? Society? What if you lost your children? Your significant other? Your beloved pet? What if people tell you to get a job? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps? Just work harder? What if no one would ever hire you? What if you couldn’t work at all? What if no one will rent to you? What if when do get to work they refuse to pay you? What if you never have clean clothes? Fresh socks? New shoes? What if you never have a hot meal? A cold drink? What if you had to eat out of dumpsters? What if people wished you’d just go away? Vanish? Disappear? Get arrested? Go to jail? How would you get to court? Check in? Get mail? Pay your fines? Comply with orders? Stay clean? Stay sober? Stay free? What if those that tried to help you got fined? Sued? Arrested? Shut down? What if everyone thought you were a criminal? An addict? Crazy? Useless? Lazy? Stupid? Unworthy? Who do you go to for help? Who sticks up for you? Gives you a voice? A second chance? The time of day? Who do you look to for relief? Justice? Compassion? Understanding? Kindness? Support? Change? What if you had no where to go? No where to be? No home? No food? No running water? No heat? No A/C? No bed? No transportation? No job? No income? No insurance? No credit cards? No ID? No paperwork? No address? No cell phone? No TV? No treatment? What if you had nothing to make things better? To fix this? To move on? To escape? A Path to follow? A Person to guide you? What if you could find no proper solution? What if there was always a catch? A hang-up? A hitch? A snag? A complication? What if people called you names? Called you trash? Called you garbage? Called you worthless? Called you scum? Called you gross? Disgusting? Foul? A waste? A piece of shit? A loser? A burden? A problem? An eyesore? A mooch? A lost cause? A liar? A cheat? A fake? What if you started to believe all that? What if you started to become all that? What if you smelled? You hurt? You looked like death warmed over? What if you lost your sense of self? Your dignity? Your purpose? Your will? Your hope? Your self respect? Your future? Your life? Your dreams? Your way? Your possessions? Your keepsakes? Your heirlooms? Your mementos? Your precious moments? What if everyday you were reminded just how much you don’t matter? Don’t count? Don’t belong? Don’t fit in? Aren’t welcome? Aren’t wanted? Aren’t included? Aren’t worth it? What if you were constantly ignored? Overlooked? Unnoticed? Forgotten? Dismissed? Invalidated? Devalued? Left behind? Tossed aside? Pushed out? Rounded up? Ran off? Moved along? What if you can’t avoid the bugs? The fleas? The rats? The roaches? The mosquitoes? The mud? The rain? The snow? The dirt? The wind? What if no matter how hard you tried? Begged? Pleaded? Worked? Jumped through hoops people refused to help? What if you gave up? Gave in? Stopped caring? What if you just couldn’t take it any more? What if you just wanted to end it all? What if you couldn’t? What if this happened everyday for years on end? What if you couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? What if for too many there was no light? What if it just went on and on? Endlessly repeating? With no end in sight? What would you do? What could you do? What if you couldn’t prepare, plan for, save for, predict, or avoid this reality? What if you thought this should never, would never, could never happen to you? Yet every day it repeats, because, Hell my dears is about repetition and homelessness is Hell. So don’t forget to count your blessings, because it can happen to anyone…
© Elizabeth Moore