Trigger warning: Toxic relationships, manipulation/gaslighting, homophobia, mental abuse, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and trauma.

I need to go over things so I can clear my mind.

So, it started when you and *** started to ignore me one day. I tried to talk to you like any other day, but you didn't bother looking at me and just gave a really curt response. I tried to show you something funny to get your attention, but all you did was fake a laugh. I decided to leave you alone after that because maybe you were busy and I was being annoying since it was very unusual for you to act that way. Innocent enough. I assumed I was just overthinking things until the next day. Same place and time. You immediately ran to *** without even looking at me. started cuddling with them. I remembered the times we were in a romantic relationship and I wanted to cuddle and you always said no because you were worried people would notice. We later broke up because you found out you were aromantic and never had feelings for me. You weren't heartbroken at all. you expected me to just be fine with it. All that, yet now, here in a global pandemic, you snuggle someone you have no romantic feelings for in a crowded area? I see you two snuggle almost daily. I chalked this up to be being jealous and, yet again, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Than came another day and you were swerving away from me. *** glaring at me. You both whisper things while looking at me from afar. I'm too nervous to confront you because, as you know, I have a phobia of confrontation due to my parents rough dicorce conditions and my moms PTSD from my stepfathers suicide. I feel lonely, but luckily, around this time, one of my closer aquaintances befriends me. I find out from the school counselor that you made up a rumor about me concerning another person, but at the time, I was really confused because I had no idea what they were talking about. I make plans with the counselor to talk to you with her. The day comes and I hear that you refused to show up. I hear that you refuse to tell me what's going on unless I ask you about it first despite the fact that you know I struggle with confrontation. I hear that you are apparently distraught about our year old breakup. You were, in the counselors words, "Angry and sad" because you didn't like how we "never went out to places after school," despite these facts: I went out with you several times before. You often turned down my offers to go to the movies, the park, your house, etc, because your homophobic mother was too suspicious, you never complained about this at all and seemed perfectly happy. In your words, "I like having friends that I don't have to always hang out with. I like that we can just see each other after a while and just pick up where we left off." I digress. You used to text me very often durring the summers (as we were both awkward over the phone) and made me feel guilty every time I didn't see and answer your messages more than a few minutes after you sent them. You had me developing a paranoia about not answering texts soon enough that still sticks with me to this day! I still get knots in my stomach when in see messages on my phone that I didn't answer right away because I was doing something else. I tell the counselor I still want to be your friend and she suggests I write you a note and we can talk it over that way. I tell her I'll give it some thought. Some time passes with the same behavior from you and ***. By this time, I've deleted the group chat with my newest friends because you were in it and I was afraid to tell them what was going on due to the severity of the rumors. Now my parents find out about the rumors. Shit hits the fan. I break down and tell them what's been going on between us. My mom calls your house. They say you aren't home, but will call back when you can talk. (They obviously never did). My mom texts you from my phone asking what's going on. You don't respond. Things with the rumors get bad. Me and my mother are genuinely afraid for my future. I have to stay home from school to avoid escalating my suicidal thoughts. I spend the week crying in bed and unable to eat or sleep. I start blaming myself. I cut up my legs and breasts with a razor blade as a, 'punishment' because I blamed myself so much. I wished I could die or fall into a coma. I ate candy until I puked several times. I finally return to school because I'm falling behind. I hear from my new friend that ***, after you saw me and her together, pulled her aside and told her "He's a bad person. I've experienced it" (which, I digress, I have no idea what means since they were a newer friend and we weren't as close as you and I so we didn't have any negative history together) and they also said that she really shouldn't be friends with me, "but it's your choice wether you choose to follow that advice or not." At this point, I'm devestated, I decide I never want to be friends with you again, send a sarcastic "congrats for hurting me as a lover and a friend" type of text message, block you, and cease all forms of communication with you, including in-person and hand-written. A few days later, I'm called to the vice principals office regarding that text and the one my mom sent. Apparently, you threatened to report me for harassment if I communicated with you at all any further. I wasn't planning to do so, but this still pissed me off because you had refused to tell me what was going on unless I asked, and when I did ask, you didn't respond and decided to do this instead. Now talking to you would have resulted in penalization. Another meeting with the counselor and she offers the writing again! I obviously refuse. My mother gets upset with the school. I move myself out of the class I share with you. I burn the things you gave me. Now rumors are starting to fade and I'm missing you because I was literally friends with you for as long as I can remember and I was SO SO in love with you. I miss the friends that you took away from me too soon. I know I shouldn't, but I really miss you still. You really do seem happy with *** and now with the more popular students. I don't know what to believe or who to trust anymore. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just heartbroken.