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Abandonment
Abandonment is an excruciating experience. Hurts and traumatizes you for years. Imagine being abandoned more than once by the same person.

The past few days, I’ve been bothered once more about how distant my father has been. Trying to figure out how is he okay with not being a present father for so long. Yet being active in his step children’s lives for years. I’ve been angry, hurt, ashamed, disappointed over him abandoning us (my late brother and I) for so long as a child, a teenager, even as a young adult. Now I’m more disappointed than anything, realizing that I’m going through the same thing over and over again.

How does one heal from the pain that keeps resurfacing?. One moment he’s around making me feel like a loved daughter, the next he ghosts me for months, irregardless of how much I desperately need him.

I’ve been told a lot about how much I should forgive and rely on God as my father as His word says “Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].” ~Psams 27:10 . A lot of us know, it is not that simple. Being in need of physical presence is totally different. Things we imagine like having a conversation, going out for lunch, sharing a laugh, advice, and also a mere hug. We yearn for such, yet our fathers are denying us the privilege.

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” ~Deuteronomy 31:6

Now the question is, what happens when he returns? Claiming to still love and want to be a part of my life. When we both know he is yet to do as he has been, disappearing. Do I shut him out or just let him in regardless?

I still need yet to figure that out.
© khethiwe.dhlamini

#abandonment #family #heartbroken