I have the hardest time registering my feelings towards situations and people. I am not at all an emotionally challenged person believe me. I can laugh, cry and respond to people just fine. But my emotions are almost never in sync with my actions. I find it difficult to comprehend and confront my own emotions . There are times when I feel so overwhelmed that my heart feels like an over pouring drink. Then there are times when my insides feel as empty as the vast outer space. To most people, I come off as a noisy, maniac and talkative person. The truth is, I don't often know how to act around people and I end up blabbering and making a complete fool out of myself. I try not to show that my social skills are barely adequate. I thought that if I kept trying, things would get better. But they didn't.

Sometimes I come off as rude and unfriendly when I fail to make a proper conversation. In theory, I know perfectly well that while talking to any other individual, I am supposed to have an appropriate body language, make eye contact and listen patiently. But I can never manage to look a person in the eye. Not unless the spoken individual is extremely close and trustworthy. I have always believed that eye to eye conversation makes everything intimate. It's almost like baring your soul to someone. But people don't liking to someone who's eyes keep wandering off during a conversation, do they?

I pretend to be unbothered by the fact that I get a panic attack every time I stand in stage. I try hard to fight back the tightening in my throat every time I am compelled to speak in front of a mass. But I always somehow end up breaking down. My mind goes blank and I get crowned a fool in front of strangers. I avoid the crowd as much as possible. I resign myself to the back benches of the classroom to avoid any intimacy with the teachers.


How does one survive in a society when their biggest fear is the society itself? How does one function normally when their own species terrify them?



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